Comments by "Alan Friesen" (@alanfriesen9837) on "" video.

I've spent time arguing with incels. Many of them are just frustrated young men who can't get it through their head that not getting laid is neither abnormal nor permanent so long as you display a little normalcy. I've commented to some about how many women also face an unfair lack of affection and I've talked a lot about how regardless of the pain and trauma that unrequited love and rejection inflict on us that no one should be forced to provide affection to someone for whom they have no attraction and that that goes both directions protecting both those women not attracted to them and them regarding women they're not attracted to either. I don't know that I've changed anybody else's mind, but I've tried. I definitely agree that those men who have accosted women, especially those who have physically or sexually attacked women are every bit as terroristic as any other hate-filled assailants, and I am very concerned about the atmosphere of fear that women have to navigate because of this. I do think it is important to address this and to make serious efforts to negate this toxic environment. Full disclosure, when I was a frustrated teenager I followed around the first girl who rejected me in a way that I don't think anyone could deny was stalking. I'm really glad there was no incel movement at the time, I might very well have found the emotional support irresistible. I'm not going to argue for or against any of the other comments made by the participants here except to say that whether it is paranoid or not, I too am very nervous about sharing space with a woman in which there is no provable deniability of misbehavior. I do not think that there are very many women who would accuse me or any other man of misbehavior that I (or any other man) are not guilty of, but I don't believe that number is zero. And frankly, I'm more worried about having my reputation destroyed than I am about being killed. I'm perfectly willing to admit that my fear is unreasonable, but it's also unshakable, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. To the extent that women suffer for my paranoia and that of those who feel the way I do, perhaps there should be some compensation. I don't think women are liars any more than men are. Conversely, as a group, I don't think they are more honest either. I don't think that they should miss out on opportunities and where it is inevitable there has to be some sort of balancing mechanism. As long as the philosophy de jour is that women need to be believed over the men denying their claims though, than men are going to be paranoid about being in potentially compromising positions. This is not a suggestion that men should be believed over women in this circumstance, as I believe that that would make women more paranoid about being alone and unmonitored with a man, which I don't think is a better condition either. Unfortunately gender interaction is fraught with vulnerability and paranoia. Nonetheless, I very much prefer mixed company. People are a whole lot more civilized when folks of every race and gender are present, and I'm much more comfortable in that environment. You all are probably tired of reading this by now. I'm afraid I'm a bit of rambler. So long.
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@lukebruce5234 I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Not getting laid is neither abnormal, nor my problem. What I'm discussing is the feeling of vulnerability to accusations of inappropriate behavior. But more than that, the lack of sympathy between men and women towards each others' positions of vulnerability and the dismissiveness of those feelings and the destructive effect that I think it is having on intergender relations and the social and political ramifications.
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@AtheistEve Allegations are evidence and they definitely should be taken seriously. Witness testimony is proving to be pretty malleable the more its researched but of course some witness testimony is more reliable than other witness testimony. But our back and forth here is a demonstration of perceived vulnerabilities. If I'm correct in assuming that you are female, you likely feel vulnerability to potential attack and to not being taken seriously, two very reasonable fears. As a male I fear accusation and ostracization, two much less reasonable fears that nevertheless are much more likely to happen to me than sexual assault (or so I perceive). I know you are more vulnerable to what you fear than I am to what I fear, and I support you because of that awareness. But my feeling of vulnerability is not going away, and neither is the bias that comes with it.
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@AtheistEve I think your interpretation of "believe the victim" is totally correct. The dismissal of women claiming to have been raped or assaulted was epidemic and it really needed to change. Unfortunately that very necessary change ran against the foundational concept of "guilty until proven innocent". As you can see I have a lot of inner turmoil inside my head. Don't worry I don't expect anyone's sympathy. One thing I am sure about is that I have no intention of overcoming that phobia because I genuinely feel that it could make me vulnerable to my greatest fear. Sorry.
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@AtheistEve I appreciate that.
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@AtheistEve I'm comfortable enough, and I thank you for your concern. I very much prefer a work environment in which women are present and treated with respect and equality. Fortunately, my work environment is such. I do avoid one-on-ones with no witness present, which fortunately for me is not a frequent circumstance. I do not think that I would avoid it to the point of knowingly suppressing a colleague's career options unless there was some kind of red flag that I noticed, but the possibility of unwarranted repercussion is still ever-present in my little box of paranoia. By the way I'm glad you're comfortable in your environment. Sometimes I wonder how a woman can be with all the violence aimed in their direction. I worry for my own daughters who, to the best of my knowledge, never have faced any of that.
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@You need magnesium. Gee, thanks.
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@mysticalrestroom You seem to be pretty judgmental. How would you describe yourself?
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@zantecarroll4448 That's a very kind comment. Thank you very much. I would also like to thank you for your thoughtful comments throughout this conversation. This is a very difficult conversation and I enter it on eggshells. You've been very respectful to me throughout though and you've made very good points that I think are correct. I do hope that as a society we can progress on my point to some degree, but on your points most definitely—I do think they are more urgent. Thanks again.
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@zantecarroll4448 I think you are misunderstanding my point. I have no doubt that the likelihood of a woman getting raped is higher, and probably considerably higher, than the odds of a man getting falsely accused of it. I'm not saying or suggesting that it's worse for men. What I am suggesting is that the possibility of being accused exists, however remotely, and it is terrifying. I think that women's fears regarding rape are more justified than men's fears regarding false accusation, but the fear is real and, if it did occur, then the perceived consequences are life-ruining. I am confident that you are correct that women that accuse their rapist, especially if their rapist is influential, face a real potential of debilitating loss of reputation. I totally sympathize with that, but there are men out there that don't (and some women who fear for the reputations of the men in their lives as well) because of fears like the one I've been discussing in this thread. My argument has never been that men have a more difficult situation than women. My point is that fear of false accusation by men is real, and many, if not most, if not all, men have that fear. The reason I started this thread is because I see a tendency among advocates in this field to dismiss this fear and to hold it against us. This is not without reason. Social interaction plays a huge role in professional opportunity and when women don't have access to influential men because some of those men are afraid to be alone with them, that is a problem. But that problem doesn't make the fear unreasonable. The fear is real and it's compounded every time a rape or harassment allegation becomes known that could conceivably be false. For men, whose only measure of success is career-wise (which is the case for men), the loss of trust that an allegation of sexual misconduct brings is frightening and eliminating that possibility by avoiding potentially compromising circumstances is logical and frankly advisable. This is a man's perspective that I feel tends to be overlooked and dismissed in this argument. I am not trying to minimize the concerns that women have of dealing with sexual harassment and the possibility of sexual assault. I'm not saying that the challenges are equal. I marvel at what women overcome and I agree that the problems we have in our society that hurt women physically, reputationally, and emotionally and the tendency to blow them off need to be recognized and addressed. I feel strongly that men, especially those in positions of power, have been too unsympathetic to the concerns of women in the past (and to some degree in the present), but I think that right now most women, or at least the more vocal advocates of women's rights, are too unsympathetic towards this particular concern of men.
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@zantecarroll4448 Well, I don't think I want to go back to the caves but it goes to show that everyone knows something worth learning. I hope your book does well.
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@zantecarroll4448 Yeah, no kidding.
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@hjki hd While I understand your frustrations with the process, I think you are underestimating the difficulties women have attracting the men that they desire. Looking pretty, (the female dating equivalent of being rich), is not enough for most guys, especially guys who are worth having a relationship with. Kindness, intelligence, social awareness, and class are all key features of attractiveness that have to accompany beauty in order to date successfully, and some of these traits require a lot of work and maintenance, including beauty. As a man myself, I find approaching women to be prohibitively terrifying. Women, on the other hand, have the problem of being expected to wait until they are approached. So they have to figure out how to attract the guy they're interested in without attracting the guy they're not interested in. It's a bit like threading a needle. And if the guy they are interested in is someone like me, then everybody's frustrated. Lastly I'd say, don't underestimate the challenge of being pretty. While many women are natural beauties, there are many more who can only pull it off with a lot of hard work. On top of that there are a substantial number of women who cannot "look pretty" no matter what they do and they are just as frustrated with the dating scene as you and the incels are. Time generally works in a man's favor. As you get older you tend to become more financially stable, you learn how to better interact with people, you start bathing more and you start wearing higher quality clothes that don't scream "hipster". For women that "looking pretty" thing gets harder and harder to replicate. So while in the early twenties it might indeed be easier for pretty women, by your mid-thirties it's pretty easy for a stable guy so long as he's not fixated on youthful beauty, or deathly afraid of asking.
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@ActiveAussie2024 Not all evidence is conclusive or even accurate. Anything that suggests, accurately or not, that an event happened or didn't happen is evidence. Shoddy evidence can and should be dismissed. Unsupported, or insufficiently supported evidence, should not be relied on to the point of conviction, but it is still evidence. I'm sorry about your experience. Taking you at your word—I'm glad you were able to extricate yourself from that situation.
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@ActiveAussie2024 Nobody is entitled to anybody. It's all about attraction, and it sucks, but that's life.
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