Comments by "Jack B" (@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. Just remember: The onion had to convince an actual fat kid to do this bit. And that in itself could have been hilarious
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  2. Warden: People of the press, the prisoner was caught in the act of Escapism. What if his imagination wandered into YOUR neighborhood, hmm? He could have been reading Lolita by Nabakov and picturing YOUR schools right now.
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  3. Every time a comment poster gets mad at the jokes, The Onion's erection gets an inch longer. It's currently 1.6 billion miles hard and about to touch Uranus.
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  4. Let's be honest about what's really meta here: The Onion satirizing fake news that noone should have taken seriously in the first place propagating on the internet
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  5. I'm a servicemember, and 18 years ago, I married a stripper. This movie inspired me to defy convention. I am now divorced, and I blame the Aliens. That which does not kill you makes you scarred and disfigured.
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  6. God I miss the Classic Onion Rule 34 as god intended.
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  7. Sean Spicer 2.0, alpha build.
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  8. Unfortunately, Quigley was only able to parse half of Sartre's works with his limited existentialist comprehension Je vis ma mort et je meurs pour ma vie...
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  9. Be 'ware of Willow Trees, and toadstool rings, and old oaks, people. The Fae Gangs of the South Central Pines have staked their turf since the Baba Yagas fell apart over a hut dispute
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  10. Thankfully the Porn industry is doing wonderful work bringing us all together with interacial cuckold pornography. Bringing America together one BBC at a time.
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  11. As a Hawaiian, can confirm: Periodic blood sacrifice of the innocent is the way to go. The lack of conveniently located volcanoes near major population centers has me concerned, though.
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  12. The 2020 Presidential Debates: aka Bingo Night at Shady Acres Retirement Villa.
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  13. I like to help the homeless. I pass out earplugs to them before shit like this happens.
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  14. Brett Cavanaugh really was ahead of the curve
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  15. Suddenly, Vermin Supreme vs Jimmy McMillan doesn't seem like a satire scenario. Obama was right to scale back hope for America after visiting a Denny's.
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  16. A Pope, a Bishop, a Cardinal, and a Padre walk into a bar. Bartender: "Sorry, Gentlemen. This crowd is over 21 and consenting. But there's a charter school down the way."
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  17. Bob the Chimp: I was born with opposable thumbs Steve the Zebra: I was born a Hamburger
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  18. I used to pay my dom $200 an hour to spank me. Now I just stab people at Denny's and get it for free. It's a win-win.
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  19. It got repo'd after the White Privelege check was late.
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  20. Doesn't seem to work at Amazon. Bezos just up and sacked his home life Kaiser Soze style rather than put up with another slacker in his coal mine with some paltry compromising material. Homeboy probably paid an elite team of mercenaries to find him to. He's got that kinda cheddar. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them....maybe you can hire The A-Team
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  21. I now have a greater appreciation my Swansons Turkey & Gravy Hungryman dinner. This broadcast brought to you by Brazzers. Because when you're alone, you might as well.
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  22. @Leonard Fredrikkson I'm sorry, I had no idea you were used that way at such a tender age
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  23. That's one small step for America, one giant leap for the American Race
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  24. I try not to picture Pennsylvania under any circumstances I've never had suicidal urges before, and I don't wanna start now
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  25. I'm dissappointed with the lack of Willem Defoe fashion choices as it relates to hegemony in the Middle East.
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  26. Those are some nice Battle Sisters you have there. Would be a shame if something were to...happen to them. Like someone bathing in their blood...I'm just saying. Oh, it happens.
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  27.  @icefly_  LOL, sure. Right after I send that money to my new friend, the Nigerian Prince.
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  28. Onion is Legion Onion does not Forgive Onion does not Forget Expect Onion
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  29. Dick Cheney got by just fine on raw Orphan souls. He's a spry 38 years old now.
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  30. As an Oregon mail voter, can confirm: you do get a jumbo pile of napkins disguised as a 120 page voters pamphlet
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  31. I remember when I saved Montana to a dozen floppy diskettes. Lost one, and look at the 'Niners now. Take your data storage seriously, folks.
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  32. Meanwhile: The Women of Wal Mart are absolutely killing it as they coopt the sexy appeal of those Hane's mens boxer briefs under their pajamas, accentuated nicely by crocs
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  33. Maybe it chose you?
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  34. I've never cared for the way FB and other online retailers of bullying has put out of business hard working, Brick & Mortar bully entrepeneurs. Pillars of the community that every kid grew up with, part of the glue that binds Main Street society together. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some fucking nerds to shake down for their lunch money. They're not gonna atomic wedgie themselves.
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  35. His urethra is so big, he just passes the kid himself
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  36. You: I think I got the COVID. I feel terrible. Your Boss: False Flag. Get your ass to work and open the store. You: Are you going to be in today? Your Boss: Ha. Funny. No. Stay in your lane and call me when you close up for the day.
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  37. Nice tiny bike. Now where all the white women at?
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  38. Meanwhile: Banksy discovers mysterious Banksy painting on his back, claims even he was surprised. His mortal flesh is expected to fetch at least $3.2 million at auction later this week.
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  39. I did my part to erase the contribution of women of color in society. I left Mrs Doubtfire on endless repeat at Waffle House, broke the key off in the TV cabinet lock, and took the batteries out of the remote behind the counter. Take back the power, White Men. Take it back.
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  40. Finally. An effective way to cut entitlements from the budget
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  41. I have an online Associates in Internal Medicine. Call me Doctor Nick.
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  42. Wait, there's other news sources??
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  43. Dennis Miller's contributions to the Onion are starting to get out of hand.
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  44. Sometimes you hit the pipe. Sometime the pipe hits you. But shit son, he beat cancer with Steroids. Your argument is invalid
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  45. "America is all about Speed. Hot, nasty bad-ass speed." - Eleanor Roosevelt
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  46. Communist COVID hornets that came here under an H2-A visa after flying over that beautiful, beautiful wall.
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  47. That's Saint Peter to you, ye filthy apostate. Verily, when the wicked doth invoke heathen beliefs such as Marvel, shall ye be cast down unto Hulu and your Netflix be offered up in supplication and sacrifice to the Altar of Comcast.
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  48. Source: US Bureau of Labor Statistics. Who says government jobs are easy money.
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  49. This reminds me of when the Army was testing hand grenades that doubled as women's "personal massagers" Explosive orgasms, indeed
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  50. Srsly. If you don't think The Onion is staffed with Time Lords by now, you haven't been paying attention
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  51. I can't wait to see CGI Cooper playing as CGI Paul Walker reprising his role as CGI Brian O'Conner in Fast X: The Fastening
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  52. LOL, you look at the Queer Feminist Poetry Slam skit, and you think its funny, but as soon as you get called out, Riechbart trolls, all of a sudden you say it's "too much politicsl, not funny, Onion.."
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  53. This comment has a Poe power of over 9000.
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  54. Automation is really going to kill the job market. That's why you're going to be replaced by a sex robot, Martha.
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  55. And Starbuck wasn't ALWAYS a chick??? Who the fuck KNEW, man!
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  56. Where the fuck was this technology BEFORE that gold digging bitch took my filthy seed??? #WhereWereYouScience
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  57. congrats on your weak game
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  58. How many licks does it take to get the center of a Ruger Redhawk Revolver? The world may never know. (LOL, I just remembered we used to have gun shaped Juice Pops. Chilly Bang Bang's.)
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  59. I am curious how they're going to reboot Band of Brothers in the same way. Must...topple....patriarchy.....fashionably......
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  60. I still have this GWAR album.
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  61. We like to call them the "Blue Chips" Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a Replicant!
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  62. Action Bronson approved.
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  63. 13:54 That water sip technique is....unique Edit: This vidya had 911 likes. I had to upvote it for Freedom and our national security
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  64. #MAGA
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  65.  Star Trek Theory  <---- dead inside. Condolences
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  66. Bush league. Apparently they've never been shaken down by Jersey Mike for protection money every month. Ya gonna have it Mike's Way or else, you mook.
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  67. Or Johnny Depp's declining career
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  68. Porn Economists are expecting that the moneyshot economy going down so hard on America will neverless swallow the losses and rally after a raw-dog double injection of stimulus is pumped deep inside the wanton & insatiable marketplace. Multiple partners have banded together anonymously to yeet seed capital into every vulnerable and gaping hole in the GDP. Conservative watchdog groups remain salty about sharing credit for a potential economic climax with what they see as an unwanted Federal intrusion & buck-to-buck contact, citing that the Nanny State as a bukakke ATM is not their kink. But, when asked to comment about Corporate Socialism being eagerly licked up by his donors, Majority Leader McConnell replied "No homo."
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  69. Cloth belt instead of leather. First time?
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  70. I'm concerned about my Hemorrhoids. Little help?
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  71. I sent a coupon for 50 cents off your second can of Campbells Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup. I got to be a Key Grip.
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  72. hahahahaahahaa, that you're here, fuming and pissing yourself in anger, pleases me and makes it so, sooo much better
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  73. Tide goes in. Tide goes out. You can't explain that.
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  74. awwwww, did the widdle gun nut get his iddy biddy feelers hurt? Does baby need a nap and a Babylon Bee story?
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  75. "And Mr Thompson".....lol
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  76. Thoughts and Prayers, Trumpcare. Thoughts and prayers.
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  77. Shhhh, stop yelling at the snowflake, guys. He's delicate and special. If you hadn't noticed, they melt in this American fondue pot. A sweet, unique slice of beauty that needs to be held and cuddled close in the fluffy embrace of other snowflakes. So much beauty in the world....so much beauty....
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  78. These documents provide the crucial leak between the Trump cabal and Global Tetrahedron. Should the void detention complex be ruled unconstitutional by the SCOTUS, then all citizens will have to learn the following phrase: "Kneel Before ZOD!"
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  79. Ladies and Gentlemen, our next Press Secretary. Spicy needs a break.
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  80. Hey man, can I get my gun back after you're done with it?
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  81. I see the Administratum & Ecclesiarchy is still doing a bang up job making Holy Terra great again
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  82. When Miles Gaskin can run as many yards per game as Harry the Husky, then he can bitch. Until then, shut up and dribble
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  83. "Commerce is our goal here at Tyrell. More human than human is our motto. Rachael is an experiment, nothing more. We began to recognise in them a strange obsession. After all they are emotionally inexperienced, with only a few years in which to store up the experiences which you and I take for granted. If we gift them a past, we'd create a cushion, a pillow for their emotions and consequently we can control them better." - Dr Eldon Tyrell "Commerce is our goal here at Church. More Sheep than Sheep is our motto. Jesus is an experiment, nothing more. We began to recognise in them a strange Christian obsession. After all they are educationally inexperienced, with only a few religions in which to completely fabricate the existentialism which you and I take for granted. If we gift them a Savior, we'd create a cushion, a pillow for their need to believe and consequently we can control them better." - Every Evangelical Pastor and Conservative Politician. Ever.
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  84. Ohhhhh....I thought they said fully intact IRAQ My bad. Thought they found something mythical.
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  85. the thing about a Revolution is that it's a circular act that just comes back to where it started when it's finished an evolution on the other hand...
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  86. They Eat Da Pooh-Pooh!
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  87. Thinking it ranges from thirTEEN to nineTEEN is so Twenty Nineteen.
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  88.  @itsrobot7339  butt
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  89. Microsoft Tay is already online & poised to contribute. Just submit a help desk ticket and watch her riff out the best quotes.
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  90. It got here 300 years too early, and we have no President Camacho.
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  91. Mom: "Now, what was the name of that girl you were seeing? The one who liked that Rap music?" Me: "You mean Sarah, my ex wife? The mother of your grandson?" Mom: "Yeah. That's the one. Is she dead yet? I told you she was no good. But you never listened to me, and now you live in an apartment." / takes a sip of wine with a shitty smirk Me thinking to myself: Jokes on you, mom. Just so you know, I'm having you buried in the back yard by the kennel, and you can't stop me. You old battleaxe.
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  92. So the Jew joke wasn't kosher enough for you? Oy, there's just no pleasing a khnyok.
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  93. Adeptus Ministorum approved.
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  94. Personally, I'm voting Putin Blue rather than Putin Red in 2020. I prefer his social policies regarding Russian Government YouTube Trolls. Putin Green is just too lefty for me.
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  95. The Legend of BloodNinja would live on. So the Admin puts on his Robe and Wizard hat....
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  96. I think I should start going to church again.
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  97. Naw, I learn more from u2B. And the Unjun.
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  98. It's the era of MeToo. Horrifying Planet needs to return and raise awareness of the vile rape machine that is the Duck.
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  99. If Cobra Kai taught me anything, it's that Karate is the answer
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  100. Well, that should cut down on the chlamydia being shared around courtesy of Vicky's dressing rooms
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  101. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwmf-wx8VQ You're welcome, Oscars Board. Shame there was never a Hoff crossover.
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  102. Liked because the joke (and term) flew over everyone else's head and tiki torches.
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  103. Most. Trusted. News.
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  104. People say she was a Helicopter Mom. Never knew she was a pilot. TMYK.
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  105. How to get your kid to stop talking to you 2020: pay for an iPad and Minecraft How to get your kid to stop talking to you 1820: get paid to put them in a Coal Mine
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  106. Wait til they see Auli'i Cravalho cast as Magnum PI in the series reboot. Starbuck as a chick won't even compare on the backlash scale #WeRememberTheMustache
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  107.  @birthdaycow  <--- ladies and gentlemen, the sharpest knife in the drawer
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  108. I grew up a sickly child in my hometown of Verwaltungsgemeinschaft Wackersdorf, and an RLS afflicted adult despite my Oma's best efforts. I don't blame her, she did her best despite being handicapped with a pair of tiny EE cups.
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  109. That was one little letter away from being super racist. But original.
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  110. 47,000 Sacha Cohens liked this
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  111. I won't lie, I was kinda thinking the opening 6 seconds were going to abruptly shift and put Rei in a red robe and wimple from Handmaid's Tale, just to be super offensive
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  112. He could have gotten into a better school if Aunt Becky was his mom instead of that "virgin". Activities listed on College App: Water walking, loaves n' fishes n' shit, getting up early on holidays
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  113. If I only had a little money...money money....
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  114. I hear he's on the board at Wu-Tang financial now
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  115. Trick answer. You are the dislikes.
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  116. Whaaaat? Who doesn't want to see some more Porkin' Across America
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  117. More deep state media conspiring against the free Virus market
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  118. So very Sartre, yet so very true
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  119.  @DavidAndersen84  To be fair, I'm not the only one doing it. Have you ever been in a Denny's? Like Fury Road with pancakes.
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  120. Peter did it. Always hide in plain sight.
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  121.  @thehellyousay  And willow trees. And old oaks.
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  122. Whatchu put in mah Malt Liquor, White Boyyyy?!??
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  123. When your aunt calls in the middle of your day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-ZUwh3Lvko
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  124. The NRA is hailing this as a victory for the 2nd Amendment and America
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  125. Peter K Rosenthal reviews The Onion Reviews
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  126. I like spicy Buffalo potato wings
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  127. This is Bob. Bob had bitch tits. Those huge sweating tits that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big.
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  128. Americans were SHOCKED to discover these FIVE EASY TIPS for becoming a Nigerian Prince
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  129. Easy. You get it a Wife car. They have a few little go karts, and it's good for a while. But then your car has to work two extra jobs like Uber and Lyft because it's upside down on that 3-Car Garage mortgage that she just had to fucking have even though it was outside of their means. And then the only places your car will go is Costco and the Mother In Law's garage, all while the little 2 stroke brats whine and whine about going to fucking Disneyland. Later, your self driving car will be impounded in an apparent murder-suicide because that two-timing slut of a Prius was cheating on him with a Challenger from work. All I'm trying to say is: buy a motorcycle.
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  130.  @massimookissed1023  The very same.
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