Comments by "calledtoanswer" (@calledtoanswer) on "Psychology with Dr. Ana"
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That's such a great question!
Personally, i wish i had learned to recognize my own anxiety in regards to relationships. It can sabotage good things.
Full disclosure, i am a guy.
There is a different nature and level of importance to a woman being protective in who she allows in her life. I get that, but can't fully understand what that is like, so i give that as a disclaimer because if your intuition or anxiety is guiding you away from someone based on self-preservation or safety, it is always better to err on the side of caution.
One other disclaimer. Guys can be jerks. But many of those jerks have developed a skill at masking their "jerkness".
So, with those things being said, when i reflect back on my own mistakes in relationships that were based on my anxiety, here are a few ways i would say help to differentiate between the two.
1. Anxiety often "creates" issues. Intuition typically revolves around some truths you know about the other person. Intuition is often based in reality. Anxiety is based in our minds and our past.
2. Buy yourself more time to clarify. Truly decent men will always give you that time. For example: if you are not sure you want to be alone with a guy on a date, ask him to do something in a group. If you aren't sure if he is just trying to hook up, make him wait several dates for a first kiss. The more time you make a guy wait to get what he wants, the more likely you are to see the true nature of his intentions.
3. MOST of the time, when you act on your intuition, you have a positive feeling about your decision. Anxiety often leaves you feeling regret.
4. It's important to know the root of your anxieties in order to understand what may be triggering that anxiety. Personally, my parents divorced when i was 10. I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues in relationships. I constantly had fears of not being "enough" for someone. I withdrew from relationships where i knew the other person cared. If someone has not done anything to validate your fears, you need to rely on their words and actions, NOT your "worst nightmare" scenarios.
5. Ask your friends and/or parents for advice. That can obviously be tricky in situations like mine where my parents were the main root cause of my anxiety, but if you have a healthy relationship with your parents, include them. ***important... YOU still need to live out your relationships, so do so sparingly, but when you feel stuck, don't be afraid to let someone else help you. Sometimes, people that can look at a relationship from the "outside" can offer great insight.
6. Express your anxiety to your partner. A true gentleman will comfort you in a manner that has your best interest in mind. If he responds negatively to your expression of anxiety, that confirms it was probably your intuition trying to protect you. Don't be afraid to expose your feelings about your anxiety. The best thing you can do is be your authentic self. It not only gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, but it gives your partner a chance to display their character in their response AND it gives your relationship a chance to grow.
Anyone can love us in our strengths and at our best, but real love is displayed best when someone sees our flaws.
I hope this helps. The fact that you even ask a question like this shows a lot of emotional maturity. I hope you learn to distinguish between your anxiety and intuition!
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"The point of emotional regulation is not to win every single time...
It's to have mastery over your emotional reactions and be WELL"
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I can't get over how powerful these words are! Anyone dealing with jealousy should meditate and examine these words carefully. Put these words on your refrigerator or mirror.
I dealt with a lot of regret from past relationships because of my jealousy. I constantly self-sabotaged relationships. I have never been violent or abusive with words, but i would let my anxiety ruin happy moments.
I remember walking around Charleston, SC with my girlfriend on Valentine's weekend. We had been having a blast. A lot of great food and laughing a lot. Just enjoying the town and being around each other. She had taken some pictures of a lot of little things as we wondered around (Charleston is a beautiful city if you haven't been).
At some point, i said "why haven't you wanted to stop and take a picture of us?".
I could have just asked to take a picture. It would have been a simple suggestion and she GLADLY would have done it, but in my awkward jealousy and anxiety, i blurted out something silly at an otherwise delightful and innocent moment.
I was literally being jealous of old buildings.
And we were having so much fun.
I constantly let myself ruin happy moments with little things like that. Things that i would instantly regret. Things that were rarely even a "threat to our relationship". I just loved her and i was so worried about losing her (to no one in particular, just to my own insecurities and fears of abandonment).
I wish i had your videos back then. These are powerful and simple tips that you share. I hope others listen before they destroy something they love little by little.
Jealousy isn't always about "big fights". Sometimes it can just be little comments that rob the joy from situations before they happen.
Later that night, we had a fancy dinner planned (literally weeks in advance) at this amazing spot. As we were waiting for our reservation outside of the restaurant she said, "we should take a picture".
I still look back at that picture sometimes and i can see it in her eyes. She looks amazing. She always had the most beautiful smile and it was a genuinely happy smile, but you could see my words of jealousy in her eyes.
I could see her thinking, "this was the place i was hoping to take a picture together all day long, but now it doesn't feel as special".
Treasure the people you care about. Do everything it takes to maintain peace. Think the best about someone you love.
The thing you do to keep from losing someone is often the thing that will lead to you losing them.
Thanks again Ana! I wasn't able to hear these words when i needed them, but i do draw some comfort knowing that they will help others ❤
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@chloeme3589 Glad to help a little!
Anxiety is such a complicated and nuanced subject, so my advice is incomplete and imperfect, but hopefully some helpful guidelines.
There is typically going to be some level of anxiety (nervousness) around someone new, but that should come from a "positive place". You know, hoping they like you cause you like them.
Don't go out of your way to look for red flags, but pay attention when you notice them. If you have a history of choosing "the same type of guy", then pay closer attention.
If you grew up with any sort of dysfunction (given the divorce rates are 50%, most of us have), then you may not even realize or notice the way your subconscious is "attracted to" similar dysfunction.
Ask friends that know you and that you trust, whether you have a type like that.
Pay attention to who his friends are too. If most of his friends are jerks, then he may be one too and is just playing a role to get your guard down.
Don't let attraction be the main reason for pushing forward. It's a good thing to have, but character matters more when it comes to long term success or happiness.
Hope things go well for your new relationship, but always remember, a relationship should never define your happiness.
Keep growing and learning to understand your anxiety, so hopefully it becomes less and less of a factor for you as you move forward in life.
Make sure you talk about it with someone as well. Someone that can help measure your growth in that area.
If you don't have a resource to help like a friend, relative, pastor, or mentor, don't be shy about seeking therapy. It can be an invaluable asset in helping you work through anxiety.
Merry Christmas to you as well!
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I don't think anyone is ever really okay being alone. We are social creatures. But i know what you mean.
I would definitely say your feelings of codependency are more the part you want to focus on.
More than likely, the codependency is rooted in some childhood experience. Being able to recognize the inception of codependency is often the greatest hurdle.
In the long run (marriage) there will be a healthy level of codependency. That's the main concept of marriage, that two are united as one with common goals and mutual sacrifice.
Also, worth stating, sometimes people are made to feel "codependent" because the other person is emotionally unavailable. Be sure that it "really is you" and not just being a bad judge of character and a shitty guy made you feel shitty about yourself.
Unfortunately, some shitty men out there thrive off making women feel "insecure or needy" as a way of controlling, manipulating, and ultimately unwilling to commit to a relationship.
I say all that to say, it's definitely good to be honest with ourselves about our shortcomings, but don't be too hard on yourself.
If you do feel codependent in an excessive way, don't be ashamed to seek counsel or therapy. The biggest benefit of talking with someone is they can track progress with tangible goals and give external feedback when you may be too hard on yourself internally.
The best news... you are seeking answers. You will find them! Be patient with yourself! I bet you are a wonderful soul!!!
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Do you believe she loves you? Do you have trouble believing you are worthy of love? Did she cheat on you or was this before you were together?
I ask all of that because if you do believe she loves you and have a healthy relationship (other than the way this one story makes you feel), the way you feel likely has very little to do with her actions and has more to do with something like abandonment issues or a fear of rejection rooted in childhood experiences.
If it isn't about her treating you poorly in other ways, i really encourage you to CHOOSE to let it go. Remind yourself of her good qualities when you start reflecting on the incident.
Not to be graphic, but if you are genuinely distraught over the size comparison, focus on pleasing her through foreplay. Going down on her will go a long way in satisfying her. Give massages. In general, find ways to build intimacy in other ways. Intimacy and love are much more than body type or penis size. Talk more, listen more, cuddle more! There are so many ways to display affection. The important thing is to not withdraw your love or affection in some attempt to "protest this past act".
Some other things you can do, find ways to build your own self-esteem. Work out FOR YOU. When you feel better about yourself, you are able to care for others better. Maybe get a new haircut. Buy some new clothes. Do some things to feel you are the BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.
Any time i have felt jealousy, it usually had more to do with my abandonment issues with my parents or my own depression and maybe not feeling that i am living up to my full potential.
Are you happy in your job? Do you have some hobbies that bring you enjoyment? Are you reading books and improving your state of mind through learning?
Keep growing! Keep improving! Not to keep someone around, but to feel better about yourself! The more you do to improve your personal opinion of yourself, the less room you will have in your mind for some random dude to take up space.
Good luck! Hope you can let it go. It isn't worth holding onto something you have zero control over.
She married you! That is special! Learn to appreciate that! And do everything you can to foster healthy growth!
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