Comments by "calledtoanswer" (@calledtoanswer) on "Questions to ask before entering a relationship" video.
-
1900
-
162
-
That's such a great question!
Personally, i wish i had learned to recognize my own anxiety in regards to relationships. It can sabotage good things.
Full disclosure, i am a guy.
There is a different nature and level of importance to a woman being protective in who she allows in her life. I get that, but can't fully understand what that is like, so i give that as a disclaimer because if your intuition or anxiety is guiding you away from someone based on self-preservation or safety, it is always better to err on the side of caution.
One other disclaimer. Guys can be jerks. But many of those jerks have developed a skill at masking their "jerkness".
So, with those things being said, when i reflect back on my own mistakes in relationships that were based on my anxiety, here are a few ways i would say help to differentiate between the two.
1. Anxiety often "creates" issues. Intuition typically revolves around some truths you know about the other person. Intuition is often based in reality. Anxiety is based in our minds and our past.
2. Buy yourself more time to clarify. Truly decent men will always give you that time. For example: if you are not sure you want to be alone with a guy on a date, ask him to do something in a group. If you aren't sure if he is just trying to hook up, make him wait several dates for a first kiss. The more time you make a guy wait to get what he wants, the more likely you are to see the true nature of his intentions.
3. MOST of the time, when you act on your intuition, you have a positive feeling about your decision. Anxiety often leaves you feeling regret.
4. It's important to know the root of your anxieties in order to understand what may be triggering that anxiety. Personally, my parents divorced when i was 10. I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues in relationships. I constantly had fears of not being "enough" for someone. I withdrew from relationships where i knew the other person cared. If someone has not done anything to validate your fears, you need to rely on their words and actions, NOT your "worst nightmare" scenarios.
5. Ask your friends and/or parents for advice. That can obviously be tricky in situations like mine where my parents were the main root cause of my anxiety, but if you have a healthy relationship with your parents, include them. ***important... YOU still need to live out your relationships, so do so sparingly, but when you feel stuck, don't be afraid to let someone else help you. Sometimes, people that can look at a relationship from the "outside" can offer great insight.
6. Express your anxiety to your partner. A true gentleman will comfort you in a manner that has your best interest in mind. If he responds negatively to your expression of anxiety, that confirms it was probably your intuition trying to protect you. Don't be afraid to expose your feelings about your anxiety. The best thing you can do is be your authentic self. It not only gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, but it gives your partner a chance to display their character in their response AND it gives your relationship a chance to grow.
Anyone can love us in our strengths and at our best, but real love is displayed best when someone sees our flaws.
I hope this helps. The fact that you even ask a question like this shows a lot of emotional maturity. I hope you learn to distinguish between your anxiety and intuition!
68
-
@chloeme3589 Glad to help a little!
Anxiety is such a complicated and nuanced subject, so my advice is incomplete and imperfect, but hopefully some helpful guidelines.
There is typically going to be some level of anxiety (nervousness) around someone new, but that should come from a "positive place". You know, hoping they like you cause you like them.
Don't go out of your way to look for red flags, but pay attention when you notice them. If you have a history of choosing "the same type of guy", then pay closer attention.
If you grew up with any sort of dysfunction (given the divorce rates are 50%, most of us have), then you may not even realize or notice the way your subconscious is "attracted to" similar dysfunction.
Ask friends that know you and that you trust, whether you have a type like that.
Pay attention to who his friends are too. If most of his friends are jerks, then he may be one too and is just playing a role to get your guard down.
Don't let attraction be the main reason for pushing forward. It's a good thing to have, but character matters more when it comes to long term success or happiness.
Hope things go well for your new relationship, but always remember, a relationship should never define your happiness.
Keep growing and learning to understand your anxiety, so hopefully it becomes less and less of a factor for you as you move forward in life.
Make sure you talk about it with someone as well. Someone that can help measure your growth in that area.
If you don't have a resource to help like a friend, relative, pastor, or mentor, don't be shy about seeking therapy. It can be an invaluable asset in helping you work through anxiety.
Merry Christmas to you as well!
14
-
6
-
2