Comments by "JLH" (@Kyarrix) on "Growing Up Poor In America (full documentary) | FRONTLINE" video.

@FatBoy42069 I'm an attorney. When I graduated from law school I worked as a court appointed guardian in family law cases where my responsibility was to make sure that the best interests of the child were weren't lost in the acrimony of the proceeding. I took this very seriously because of my own childhood. This was one of the reasons, the primary reason, I went to law school. I hear what you're saying and I'm sorry this happened to you. it doesn't help to say that there are situations where a judge does the wrong thing or where the best interests of the child get lost, even if these cases are 5%, they represent a tremendous number of children who are harmed. Look back at the original comment I was responding to. The person who wrote it is very angry, he talks about fathers only paying when they have dual custody as though the responsibility to raise your child disappears if you don't have custody. The anger in his comment prompted my response. It is not a transactional relationship. He also didn't include the court's reasoning for not ordering dual custody. In my comment I said I was sorry if he had done everything he needed to do and was still denied dual custody. But his anger and attitude made me think that there was more to the story.
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ram ram that's factually wrong and an excuse to behave badly. Read my response above.
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@katec708 When a reply starts with the words "I don't have stats to back this up" but "this is what I've heard" it is difficult to accord it much weight. What is your background? Do you work for the courts or in the court system? What is the extent of your experience with this issue? If you had said "the courts used to favor mothers outright" I'd agree. I also agree that it is absolutely a "weird benevolent sexism thing" and that it is unfair to women, harmful to children (in that it perpetuates stereotypes) and damaging to fathers. Lead with your strengths, you weaken the argument when you preface it with "I don't have stats to back this up but this is what I've heard." Most courts make an effort to overcome that stereotype but many judges are still of the era in which this was understood as fact and truth. If your judge is in her (or his) 60s or 70s they were born in the 50s/60s and many judges are older. The location of the court also bears on this. Are we in NY or Seattle? Or somewhere in the South where ideas are far more rigid? I have lived in New York and on the west coast where the courts are far less likely to assume that a female is the better parent simply because of her sex. Let's go back to the original comment that prompted my response. The guy is angry, his anger is palpable in the comment and he said that a father has no responsibility unless he has dual custody and that attitude caused my reaction. The idea that a man doesn't owe his child anything unless he has custody is wrong. Why did the court deny his request for dual custody? He didn't include any of their reasoning. Was he abusive to his spouse (or partner, girlfriend) or to the child? Is he an alcoholic or drug user? Did he move out of state and the mother petitioned for sole physical custody in order to avoid interruptions in school? We don't know why the court made its decision. It is wrong to assume that the court did so simply because an angry guy on Youtube says he shouldn't have to pay child support unless he has dual custody. Why would you make the leap to assume he was denied something that would have been in the best interests of the child and in his own interests? Generally the courts try to include the father if not by dual physical custody then by an arrangement that includes the father substantially. There are many situations where it is not in the best interests of the child to split their time even where the father is a good presence in the child's life. What do you do when one spouse lives across the country? You find an arrangement that allows the child to live and go to school and not disrupt their live while also preserving the other parent's access to their child. Sometimes that is difficult to do and in that case the best interests of the child prevails, not of the parent. And yes, there are cases where a father should be granted dual custody and is not. There are also cases where a woman should be granted the same and is not. There is truth to what you said, bias still exists although it is lessening every year. That is scant comfort to someone who is a good father and is denied dual custody. In that case I would petition again and keep trying while doing everything to demonstrate to the court that the parent is in full compliance and that a more equitable arrangement is in the best interests first of the child, and second of the non custodial parent. We don't know that this is the case though. All we know is that he was denied dual custody and that he is angry about it and believes that a man shouldn't have to pay child support unless he has dual custody. And that is patently wrong. Do you believe that an abusive man should have access to continue to harm his child and his ex wife and that if doesn't he shouldn't pay child support? Do you believe that his responsibility to his child ends if he doesn't have dual custody? If you do, that would be a strange view to hold and one that would result in tremendous harm to women and their children. edits: Some of this response was written on my phone. Sorry!
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If you want his family's financial situation to get better, vote. If you think that children should eat regularly, vote. If you believe that health care is a human right and should not be tied to the lottery of birth or employment, vote.
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@tezh5897 Hey, congratulations to you too!
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Miracle, if you happen to be monitoring this video and reading comments, please listen. I survived a background that is different from yours but similar in many respects. There is a lot that I had to handle on my own including medical issues resulting from things that were done. I was in boarding schools and ended up on my own when I was 15. I went to University in a different country then came back here and went to law school. I had very little help. I took out student loans for law school and worked several jobs at a time in order to keep myself going. I didn't have family at all. You are intelligent and driven. Let your family be in your life to the extent that seems wise to you. Love them, let them care about you but also be aware that people do things for reasons that can be confusing even to them. Your mother might try to deter you from pursuing the things that you want to pursue. Don't let anyone derail you. A video like this one only tells part of the story. Your mother seems to genuinely love you and wants you to succeed. I don't think there is a person watching this who would feel differently. It will be difficult but you can do it. There will be times when it will feel as though you can't, don't give up. Treat yourself well, you matter. Don't ever let the world make you believe differently. There are some genuinely decent people out there who will help you but it is not true that most people are good. Being good is the right choice but it is the more difficult choice. The truth is that most people will do the right thing if it doesn't cost them anything. They will do the right thing if it is convenient. This doesn't make them bad, but it can result in actions that are wrong. Try to pick people who will make the right choices even if it isn't convenient for them. Understand human nature, understand that there will be times where you will fail even after working hard but that doesn't define you. Your family and your upbringing don't define you either, you define yourself. Your intelligence, drive and compassion for others will define you. Make the right choices. Pick a career that will let you take care of yourself and do some good for others. Derive satisfaction from accomplishing things. Because there are things that are outside of our control, it is even more important to take the power that we have and use it to build the best life that we can.
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@girlfromthebronxbywayofelb7288 Thank you. Getting this kind of positive affirmation is extremely rare and unexpected. It made my day. Knowing that somebody read what I wrote and that it affected them positively is encouraging. From one woman to another, thank you and keep on being you!
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