Comments by "Magic Beans" (@Magic_beans_) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. Thoughts and prayers to the people of Green Longshape.
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  2. If they really wanted to crack down they’d send awkward extroverts. Imagine someone who keeps trying to force a conversation despite the other party’s complete lack of interest.
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  3. There was a bill to eliminate this part of the process, but Big Swimsuit made sure it failed.
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  4. New ownership as of April 2024. They’re shifting away from the usual news-blog model of hosting scummy clickbait ads and instead adopting an optional-subscription model.
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  5. I feel personally attacked. Then again, I'm pretty awful.
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  6. And they still manage to fit in comments about her appearance as well as clichés like “dynamo” and “feisty.” Fantastic.
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  7. I’m so glad they did this study. It’s such a great use of our research dollars.
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  8.  @ozzy8449 I’m just trying to bring you out of your shell. So what’s your favorite movie? I like the Rocky series. You have a favorite Rocky movie? I think mine is Rocky IV because it has that great training montage in the wilderness. Real macho stuff, getting back to the earth. Of course that was also the one with the silly robot, but Stallone eventually cut that scene in later versions. You like any other Stallone films? I must have seen everything he ever made. What a lot of people don’t understand about Stallone is…
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  9. I particularly like how the characters’ names appear to have been culled from food advertisements (Zesty, Vitamin, Perfomance). Puritans named their children for Biblical characters (John, Leah, Habakkuk) or pious attributes (Prudence, Silence) because that was their great ambition. In the future, what we want most is sustenance.
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  10.  @kontiuka  If even that; none of her examples were European. It’s like he has no idea where Guatemala is. Putting on my drama-nerd hat for a minute, I’d also say “Europe or wherever” underlines how they both spoke of “Africa” as a single homogenous place. Is the drought in Ethiopia or Mozambique? Both get regular droughts but they’re like 4,000km (2,400mi) apart.
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  11. What’s wrong with Amtrak? I love riding trains, in fact here’s my scrapbook with all my ticket stubs from… Oh.
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  12.  @failedsuccessfully0000  - It's that special kind of pronunciation you get from someone who doesn't speak French and learned that one phrase from someone else who doesn't speak French.
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  13. Same here. I think it’s the way they don’t just cross the line, they launch past the line and into utter madness.
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  14. His two homes are worth $20M combined. The sitting President earns $400K per year plus housing (most food and clothing is at their own expense though). Former Presidents get a $226K/year pension. If that were all he got and Michelle went back to her $250K/year job, then yes it would be a stretch; who else can buy homes worth 40x their income? However, modern Presidents unlock other income streams after leaving office, namely book rights and speaking fees. The Obamas in particular have made a ton of money from their books. Their joint book deal that would eventually produce Becoming and A Promised Land is said to have earned them $65 million.
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  15. Notice how flustered he gets when someone points out Niger and Nigeria are different countries.
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  16. This was true back then, and before. You can find articles back to at least 2000 saying demand for “companionship” spikes during the conventions. Margaret Atwood wrote that a lot of being supposedly-prescient is just looking at existing trends and wondering “What if it keeps going like this?”
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  17. Impossible, the author of Africa 2.0 would never make that mistake.
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  18. Yes there’s some dumbing down of things, like “6 Senators Killed Dead!” But also languages change, they always have. The first newspaper in what is now the United States (Boston 1690) was titled “Publick Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick”. My guess for the next 100 years is that English grows more phonetic, shedding more of its French & German roots. Perhaps we’ll also develop (with or without conscious effort) a dialect for international use, richer in loanwords and using simplified grammar.
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  19. I don’t think it’s about any one person or event. To me it’s about celebrity foundations in general. - Getting involved with a cause because it personally affected them - Intentionally or not, the charity becomes at least somewhat about the founder (on the website at 1:01, note how many times it mentions Tracy) - Vague goals like “awareness”
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  20. What do you mean? She’s having a great time. Or at least I think she is.
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  21. 5:18 His producer is so done with this shit. There’s no sugar-coating, no sympathy, just a calm recitation of which parts they replaced.
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  22. Ariel Cotton Hey now, that’s not fair. These people are trying to sell you a product, which is a disgrace to journalism. Fox News provides informative programming to show how investing in gold just makes sense, especially in these troubled times.
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  23. It is, his name is Brian Huskey. He also had a recurring role on Veep and voices Regular Sized Rudy on Bob’s Burgers .
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  24. Using newspaper as insulation is a pretty well-known trick among people who’ve slept on the streets. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also used by old folks living in cheap drafty houses.
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  25.  @gacomics5951 I took a webinar where the speaker’s pitch was a down-market version of this: gather up 20 pages of business tips or quotes from successful people and self-publish that. Congratulations, you can now call yourself an author, which gives you more cachet at a subject matter expert. Next step is to turn that into public speaking engagements and other opportunities to grow your brand.
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  26. They even say that up front: voters have always cared about bullshit.
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  27. Kind of, but the general idea goes back at least as far as microtransactions. FarmVille players would spend $1 for a decorative item and bystanders would act like it’s the dumbest decision anybody could ever make.
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  28. I’d agree, with a couple of caveats: 1) Being a good host is also important, and some of this seems like a major imposition on the guests, like expecting everybody to ride bicycles to the reception. 2) Do they really like this stuff? Basically everything mentioned here was a trend in 2012-13, and the narration suggests a couple times that their quirkiness is just put on for show.
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  29. To die at His hand is ecstasy.
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  30. Brian Hugh O’Neill. You’ve probably seen him around, he’s done a bunch of one-episode TV appearances.
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  31. Fascinating👨🏻‍🔬
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  32. Ma’am, that is some very aggressive spelling. If you insist on communicating such ideas, I’d prefer that you do so through mime.
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  33. Crypto tries to replicate this when people lose their keys, but it’s just not the same. America needs the hole.
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  34.  @gagaplex The “Norfolk Four” are another example of these sketchy confessions. The cops are allowed to lie, badger, and threaten a suspect* to get a confession out of them. As long as it’s not direct “sign this or I will punch you” coercion, it’s admissible in court. And as the Norfolk cases demonstrate, once you’ve confessed it doesn’t matter how much hard evidence there is to the contrary, you’re boned.
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  35. These days it would fit right in with Algospeak terms like “unalive”.
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  36.  @ryuuguu01  Probably, yeah, an infusion of funding to build hype for the subscription model. I wouldn’t be surprised if after the election they slim it down a bit. That said, the new owners have said they’re fans of the site. They’re also a single-purpose company as opposed to a conglomerate.
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  37. And of course Jim showing the self-involvement that came to a head in Porkin’ Across America.
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  38. Too soon. I have no idea when you’re watching this, but in all likelihood a bunch of people got shot just a few days ago, so how dare you and all that stuff.
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