Comments by "Leo" (@Leoo117) on "It's better for WOMEN to be ADORERS: understanding the balance of attraction" video.

It's super easy as a man to attract a woman when you aren't truly interested in her, because you don't care what she does, so you're being more of your usual masculine self, so you effortlessly give her enough room for her feelings to grow. When a man is truly interested in a woman, or adores her, he has to actually exercise some self-control and self-respect, because he tends to treat the one he wants a little differently than the others by reaching out too often and by other little things when interacting with her. This causes her to lose attraction and it gets in the way of the growth of her romantic feelings, because he essentially acts more feminine than her. This is why it seems to us men that the ones we like don't like us, but the ones we don't like always like us. Its due to our behavior. So with a little self-control and self-respect and being conscious of vetting the woman and seeing if she is good for us and treating her the same as we would any other woman, we can indeed have the woman we adore while also being adored by her. It's possible. Adoration doesn't equal pedestalization. It just has us acting less than our authentic selves sometimes without realizing it if we are not careful.
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@Javi Lo I threw in self-respect, because we have to respect ourselves first in order to make sure we are being treated properly and with respect by all others. If we treat ourselves with respect, we won't hang around others that treat us less than we treat ourselves. It takes self-respect to notice when a woman isn't reciprocating your interest and you aren't being treated how you'd like to be treated. You HAVE to have respect for yourself in order to not continue going forward in that situation. Going all in to chase a woman or ask her out on a date, even when she shows very little enthusiasm to talk to you, is putting yourself in a position to be treated bad or with disrespect. A person with self-respect would notice the low enthusiasm or low interest, and decide not to take things further. A person that respects themselves will be able to properly vet a woman by noticing her behavior toward him and others, EVEN when he feels strong romantic feelings towards her. Women tend to notice when you won't accept any bad or low effort treatment, and this tends to raise their attraction to you, so thats why it makes you more masculine. It's like you are someone strong and sturdy that they cannot push around or treat however they want and still expect to keep your attention, which helps them to feel safe with you.
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@K H Yeah, you're definitely already doing the right thing. Genuine compliments are the best. If you feel like complimenting her, absolutely do it. Genuine compliments are upbuilding for all of us, and women especially love it from their man. It makes her feel like she is special to you, which is important, because it makes her feel closer and more attracted to you. Don't hold back. The only time a compliment is bad or screws up attraction is when your compliment is not genuine, and you come off as a manipulative robot, or when you WAY overdo the compliments and completely smother her with them, which also makes the compliment feel disingenuous.
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@Primavera Verano Makes sense. I think that is the right thing to do. You sound like a woman with self-respect. When I said to treat a woman the same as any other woman, I meant to take it just as slow, and be aware of her interest, and don't overdo things like calling her a lot because we want to talk to her so much. The treating her like she is special part still happens by asking her out on a date, setting aside time for her, and just enjoying himself with her unlike he would be able to with other women. Treating her special comes naturally if he really likes her, because she IS special to him. A man just needs to take care not to jump in so quickly, or overwhelm her with attention that she isn't ready for yet, simply because he likes her and she is special to him.
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@Lilith No, I'm saying that we men should definitely be with a woman that we truly care about and adore. The video says otherwise. I'm saying that men often chase too hard too early when we really like a woman if we don't know any better. We can come off too strong and needy due to fear of losing that rare woman that is actually special to us, and acting out of fear is not love and causes that fear to come true. We should never pretend we don't care and we should never hide our interest. That isn't love either. I'm basically saying that we need to be authentic, while not falling into a fearful mindset. There is no fear when talking to someone we aren't interested in, so by bringing that up, I'm basically saying to use that example as a way to remember how we treat someone when we aren't in a fearful state. We make the things we focus on come true. So if we focus on our fears, which we unintentionally do sometimes, we can make that fear come true. So basically, we as men need to switch our focus off of the fear of things going wrong, and onto just making dates and hanging out and having fun like we would when there is no fear. And also to face our own fear of losing this special woman, so that we can actually be ok with her not being interested, so we can be our usual calm and authentic selves, and not come off too strong and needy and chase her away.
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@Mark & Vicki That's true. I think you summed it up well. Balance is super important.
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@LaciRae Wow, thank you for that compliment. I read a little about those personality types, and yeah, I would say that they both describe me pretty well.
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@GiantBeauty Yeah, we have to be vulnerable in order to love and trust. As a loving and caring woman, you have something beautiful to give. Like the guy who responded to you said, you just have to be careful who you share that with. You have to learn how to properly vet a man, and notice these red flags early on, so you can tear yourself away from people that don't deserve that beautiful and vulnerable part of you before your feelings deepen even further. Sometimes its hard to detect those red flags, because of things we were taught or got used to in the past. There is a lady called the crappychildhoodfairy or Anna Runkle that I've seen address this exact issue with other women, and she gave actual solutions to this recurring problem. She might be worth checking out.
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@chrisherber1635 I can only guess that she felt that way because you just didn't show your interest in a way that helped her to feel it or be able to see it clearly. Sometimes, you have to go out of your way and be vulnerable and do intentional romantic gestures to help them feel loved by you.
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@chrisherber1635 Oh, ok. Im sorry to hear that. Clearly, you loved her. Well, I know that a woman would never move away from a man when she is in love, or at least it's extremely unlikely. So that tells me that before she moved, she had already lost lots of attraction to you, even though on paper she knows you're a good guy, which would explain why she still spoke highly of you. You probably did some stuff to unnattract her over time without realizing it because feelings don't instantly disappear. It sounds like she kept her loss of attraction to herself because she was just afraid to hurt your feelings until she absolutely had to tell you because she met someone else. Hiding how she felt was not ok on her part. And yeah, if you made it obvious you wanted her, her acting as if she didn't know that was definitely just a made-up excuse for ending it so suddenly without saying anything before. I think on some level, she knew it was wrong to not mention to you how she had been feeling.
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@olu5181 It's absolutely possible. When that happens, that just means you've been acting more feminine than her. And that usually happens to us guys because we start operating from a place of fear or complacency. You can turn it around by basically being the confident man you were when you were first dating. How has your behavior towards her changed? I can pinpoint the issue and give you the solution if I had a few details.
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@olu5181 Well, at least you already know everything you did to mess up the attraction. All of those behaviors of yours made her feel less safe with you, which also messed up the sexual polarity, which is why you started to feel like you were more into her than she was into you. All of your behaviors that messed up the attraction came from a place of your fear of losing her. And since you kept focusing on that fear, you made it come true. What you focus on, you make come true. It could be turned around, but you need to recognize in the moment when you are in a fearful state, and take a few minutes to calm yourself before you make any decisions. And understand and ACCEPT that even if your worst fear of losing her came to pass, that you will still be ok. That's how you face that fear and get your confidence back.
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@ivor000 I never advocated for winning or losing because it's not a competition or a game. Not sure how you picked that up from my comment. And the only strategy I talked about was a strategy to employ on OURSELVES regarding self-respect so that we can conquer our own fears and be our authentic selves as a result so that NO strategies are needed. If you're using strategies all the time, you're not being yourself, and you won't be able to sustain it. I'm not single. I have a partner. She knows I'm interested in behavior and psychology, and I've talked to her about these things before because this type of stuff comes up for all of us in different areas of life.
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