Comments by "Gareth Hart" (@tgheretford) on "Triggernometry"
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We know in the last ten years or so since the introduction of Tinder, rates of virginity in young American men in their twenties has increased significantly. Dating apps focus on looks while people don't tend to look at biographies - and if they do, it's filled with things that relate to looks (ie. 6ft). Self-help gurus tend to posit that the key to attractiveness is resources. Problem is, women have been able to generate their own resources from both work and the state to the point where they don't need men and are now focusing on looks (including height) which dating apps are excellent at performing. We also know that real life dating options have collapsed, particularly since 2020 and online dating has exploded in the last decade, going from stigmatised in the 90s to the only game in town now. Worse still for older men, looks fade and experience takes precedence.
In terms of ratio, men outnumber women 3:1 on Tinder but its the breakdown that opens eyes. 60% of matches go to the top 10% of men in terms of looks, 80% to the top 20% and 95% to the top 50%. Attractive men and women across the whole range of looks have choice whilst increasing numbers of average and below men are getting zero matches and zero dates. The reason why you see complaints from women about men not committing is because the top tier of men that women are picking have choices and do not have any incentive to commit. Whereas the men who do want to commit are lower value. Women rate 80% of men as unattractive compared to 50% of women for men (OkCupid data). Problem is, we know from studies that physical attractiveness is the biggest factor for mate selection and that is predominately genetic - you can't improve your eye, nose and chin ratios or your height at the gym. Go to the gym anyway but don't do it exclusively thinking it is the miracle cure for singledom. For some men, getting a gym body could actually work against them in dating if they have a genetic physical defect or it could be seen negatively as compensating. Grooming only improves your looks to a small degree, you can't pass your clothes, shoes or haircut to your offspring.
We also know that attractiveness is tied to how you are valued and respected in society. Attractive men can get away with a bad joke and have it laughed at but an unattractive man doing the same thing can have that joke seen as offensive. The former will have approaching someone seen as confident and cure while for the latter it is seen as creepy. The "know the work rules" office meme is based on truth.
Single men should focus on improving themselves and living the best, happiest life they can. But not for the sole purpose of finding a partner. Give men the truth, no matter how uncomfortable, and a positive outlook and I bet this societal problem disappears overnight.
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