Comments by "Tiara Roxeanne" (@tiararoxeanne1318) on "Mo Gawdat"
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Key takeaways:
18:21 "...you know you talk about the feeling, you medicate the feeling, you do everything with feeling except feel the feeling. That's what grief is. You cannot heal what you don't feel."
18:36 "And crying is really healthy, because what comes out of your body, will never make you I'll."
18:43 "In Hungary they tell you [the breast cancer patients], 'Don't breath into your breast.'"
21:07 "See, when a country is experiencing economic problems, somebody will come with lies. They're gonna put a Volkswagen in every garage. They're going to put that chicken in every pot."
Damn! This one is very close to home😭
32:06 "And I don't take anything for granted, because I know that, I was chosen to survive, so I can guide others to be survivors, and not victims. I refuse to be a victim. It's not who I am. It's what was done to me."
34:50 "...immaturity [is] when a person assign someone else the responsibility for their feelings."
35:06 "No one makes me angry. But when you're angry, chances are, you have a lot of pain and a lot of fear. And you're not born with fear. We learn to fear."
58:17 "...you learn two things in marriage:
- give and take
- tolerating differences."
58:29 "...what's your advice to young women?
Be emotionally and financially independence, that you don't need somebody."
58:51 "If you can't be happy alone, you will never be happy with another."
59:07 "You got a divorce because, you either had something what you didn't want, or you wanted something what you didn't have."
1:11:39 "...self love is self care. It's not narcissistic."
There are so many gems of wisdom in this one interview. I could barely note some of them. Many thanks for episode🙏
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You're right Mo, I need to take notes. Initially I was listening this episode while exercising. But after the first few minutes I was like, nope, I need to sit and type it down😂.
Key takeaways:
17:22 What is distraction?
A good way to test if you understand the meaning of a word is to ask the opposite of it. The opposite of distraction is traction.
21:40 Distraction and traction are both action, one is helpful for us, the other is a hindrance for us. Now, what does prompt us to take this action? They are two things:
1) External triggers
21:53 External triggers are anything in our outside environment that can lead us toward traction, and oftentimes distraction.
22:11 Study found that external triggers cover only 10% of the triggers that distract us.
2) Internal triggers
22:34 Internal triggers are uncomfortable emotional states, that we seek to escape from.
Examples: discomfort, fatigue, boredom, uncertainty, loneliness, anxiety, stress, etc.
22:50 "...the fast majority of distraction, begins from within."
23:07 There are 4 techniques to become indistractable:
- Step 1: Mastering the "internal triggers.*
- Step 2: Making time for "traction.*
- Step 3: Hacking back those external triggers.
- Step 4: Prevent distraction with pacts.
27:15 "... truly, when we look at the studies, when we look at the researches, distraction, procrastination, is not a character flaw. There's nothing wrong with you. Your brain isn't somehow broken."
27:26 What is the main cause of that get us distracted?
"It's simply [that we have] an inability to deal with discomfort in a healthy way."
"It's simply that we haven't learnt the skills, the tools, to deal with these uncomfortable emotional states in a way that move us toward traction, rather than distraction."
27:44 "So, what we have to remember, is that time management requires pain management. "
28:09 "Procrastination, distraction, is emotion regulation problem."
*STEP 1: Mastering Internal Triggers"
31:12 There are several techniques that you can use to master the internal triggers, one of them is the 10-Minutes Rule.
31:24 Instead of telling yourself 'no', you want to tell yourself 'not yet, I can give in to this distraction in 10 minutes'.
34:08 For example: you're scheduled to write an essay, but you feel to browse the internet. What you're gonna do is:
- Tell yourself that you're going to wait for 10 minutes before browsing the internet.
- Set your alarm clock to ring 10 minutes later.
- During the period until the alarm rings, you have choice to make:
1) Get back to task at hand
2) Surf the urge
34:55 Surfing the urge acknowledges that uncomfortable sensations are like waves. They crash, and then they subside, just like a wave. Even if in the moment it feels like it's gonna last forever. They never do.
By surfing the urge we're observing & acknowledging the uncomfortable sensations, like okay, I'm stress now. Why am I stress? Because I am feeling anxious. Why am I anxious? Because I want my essay to be good. Why do I want my essay to be good? Because I care about what people think of it. Why do I care about what people think of it? Because people's opinions is important to my career, and so on.
35:26 By surfing the urge you have a conversation with yourself and you are getting to the core why it's happening.
35:39 By the time those 10 minutes are up, by the time your alarm rings, what you'll find is, nine times out of ten, that temptation is gone. And if after 10 minutes you want to give in, go for it. Have the piece of chocolate cake or whatever the case it might be. But nine times out of ten, it's not going to happen."
35:59 "So, what you do over time, the 10-minutes rule becomes the 12-minutes rule, the 15-minutes rule. And you're building your capacity to be able to delay gratification, which is really the skill we're building here."
STEP 2: Making Time for Traction
37:00 "...one of the biggest mistakes people make is they can't tell me what is traction in their day. You can't call something distraction, you can't say you got distracted by something, unless you can say what it distracted you from."
37:43 To making for traction, use a Time-Box Calendar instead of To-Do List.
38:02 Psychologist call using a Time-Box Calendar as setting an "implementation intention", which is basically planning out what you're going to do and when you're going to do it.
38:19 One of the toxic impacts of To-Do Lists is they convince you of your own inadequacy. They teach you to not believe in yourself. Here's what happens, To-Do Lists are endless. They don't give you constraint, so you can't complete them. You'll end up taking time for your leisure, for your family, and still not complete them. At the end you're gonna feel bad about yourself and it will chip away your confidence.
42:58 "So, we talk about value in the book... Values are attributes of the person you want to become... You want to ask yourself, how would the person I want to become spend their time."
43:11 We have these 3 life domains. You are the center of these 3 life domains:
1) You can take care of yourself.
2) You can take care of other people.
3) You can take care of your work.
43:23 "You have to take care of yourself first. So, first thing we do with our weekly [Time-Box] Calendar is to make sure we put time for ourselves."
43:30 What exactly to be put in your calendar? Whatever your values are based on. If physical health is important to you, do you have time in your calendar to take care of your health? That workout is not gonna happened, if it's not scheduled. Your bed time is not gonna happened, if it's not in your calendar. If personal growth is important, schedule time to read. If relationship is important, put time for it in your calendar. Put time for meditation, praying, playing video games, and so on.
44:44 For our work domain (the last of the 3 domains), work falls into 2 categories:
1) Reactive work
44:55 Reactive work is reacting to the emails, messages, meetings, phone calls, etc.
45:07 "...just as important, if not more important [than reactive work] is reflective work."
2) Reflective work
45:11 "Reflective work is the kind of work that can only get done without distraction, [for example] the planning, the strategizing, the thinking."
45:25 "If you are a knowledge worker, if you are a white collar worker, ...you have got to put at least some part of your day for that reflective work. Because if you don't, your life and your career will run real fast in the wrong direction."
STEP 3: Hacking Back Those External Triggers
53:20 Hacking external triggers is the easier to handle. Several techniques to do it:
- Change the notification in your phone, email, news feed, group chat so it not distracting.
- Make rules for meeting, like:
* No agenda no meeting
* Do not brainstorm in meeting. Brainstorming should be done individually in advance. Meeting is to gain a consensus, not to brainstorm.
- Clear your clutter.
59:35 Studies have found that visual clutter impairs your cognitive performance.
STEP 4: Prevent Distraction with Pacts
1:02:42 "Pacts are what we called pre-commitment devices. Pre-commitment devices is when we make a promise with ourselves, with someone else, or with technologies... as a last line of defense... against distraction."
1:03:34 Making a pact is doing something NOW, to prevent getting distracted tomorrow.
1:04:03 "...we can all make what today we call a Ulysses pact by planning ahead. This is the ultimate message of the book, is that 'there is no distraction we can't overcome if we make plans today, to prevent getting distracted tomorrow'."
1:04:20 "Because if you wait until the last moment, they're gonna get you. If there's a cigarette in your hand, you're gonna smoke it. If the chocolate cake on the fork, you're gonna eat it. If you sleep next to your cell phone, it's gonna be the first thing you reach for in the morning. You've already lost. You have to prepare today, to make sure you don't get distracted tomorrow."
1:04:39 Pacts are the last line of defense which should be done AFTER you do the first three steps.
1:04:52 There are three types of pact:
1) Effort pact
E.g. Install an outlet timer on the internet router that make the internet shut down every 10 p.m. and turn it on again every morning automatically.
2) Price pact
e.g. Make a choice everyday: burn the calories or burn US$ 100.
3) Identity pact
e.g. Identify yourself as "vegetarian" or "Christian" or "Moslem", etc. to encourage you adopt the lifestyle associated with the Identity.
1:13:32 Consistency over intensity.
- You don't get into good physical shape by being really intense, but by consistently workout every single day for years.
- You don't have a good relationship with your family by spending 24 hours with them. A good relationship is built based on consistent interactions.
- To build a great company or organization you have to consistently put in the work, not super intense time, but consistently move the ball forward.
1:14:30 "So, it's all about consistency over intensity. And that consistency requires us to show up and not quit. That's why being indistractable is such an important skill."
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Hey, I know Mo by exactly the same way, listening to a DCEO episode with Mo as a guest😂! I wonder how many people is like us🤣😂🤣
Edit: I understand what you said, but I think it might be because of the gap in their ages and life experiences. There is literally a 25 years of age gap between them, and it is a lot! But for such a young lad (30 years old), Steven has accumulated so much wisdom, has become more successful than most of us, yet he's still humble, open, and honest. He generously shares his journey, his struggle, his experience, and his confusion to us and for that I'll be forever grateful. I myself have my own struggle, setbacks, and confusion in life. Listening to Steven and Mo's experience make me feel I'm not alone, not to mention life lessons I can get from them.
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SUMMARY:
0:50 Why do you need to find your ultimate truth?
So we can use it as signposts to instinctively know that we are on the right path to joy, instead of incessantly wondering whether we are happy or not by ALWAYS comparing events to our expectation every damn time.
0:38 The five ultimate truth:
1) Now is real
28:13 Life is now, not in the past nor in the future.
2) Change is real
3) Love is real
There are 2 types of love: conditional & unconditional
4) Death is real
27:23 Three philosphies around death:
a) Life is inevitable.
Death is part of life, and life is inevitable. Since death will happen anyway, it's better to take death out of the equation and focus on life.
b) Life is now.
The truly thing we can affect is now.
c) Life is a rental.
All of our belongings will become someone else's.
When somebody is died, people usually say may he/she rest in peace, but why waiting until we die to be in peace? Why don't we live in peace instead?
5) Grand design is real
37:58 Golden tip of happiness:
"If you're presented with two choices, neither of which you can prove with certainty, please choose the one that makes you happy."
32:33 The girl commented that a lot of Mo's arguments on the topic were so rooted in reasons and logic that she felt there was a loss of feelings and emotions in it, although the event that triggered Mo to pursue this path is a very emotional event, namely the death of his beloved son. Mo's answered that he did feel pain from the death of his son, even to this day, but he chose to not to dwell into suffering. Since he couldn't change the event (the death of his son), he chose to take something positive feom it, to spread his son's legacy instead of suffering from the loss.
This conversation actually answers my curiosity. In the middle of this series (around the 4th or 5th video), I was thinking that Mo's story went from the lost of his son straight to the wisdom that he got. There must be a lot of pain and struggle in the middle, and it must be an interesting story, probably even worth of another book. I wonder why he didn't tell us. Now I know why. Mo didn't want to dwell on the feeling of loss and grief for too long. He didn't want to change his pain into suffering, which I suspect would happen if he told the story.
I'd like to thank Mo for sharing his time and wisdom in this topic. He's a kind and gentle teacher. I found his podcast at the right moment. I just quitted from a job that took toll on my physical and mental health. I purposely delay hunting for another job because I want to work on my mental health first. This podcast is exactly what I need, and I believe it is because of the grand design of God I found this. Thank you very much Mo🙏
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