Comments by "" (@ronjon7942) on "PsycHacks"
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I got divorced in 2019. I think I’ve been pushing it off, but I haven’t ever processed it nor discussed it even w my therapist. I’ve had a few relationships, which have been a distraction, but we remained friends; eventually she was probably my best friend. There’s still a bond, but a friendship one. We had separated a few times prior but (obviously) got back together. This time I moved from WI to AZ and we went through the divorce.
It stung when I learned she was getting married, sold ‘our’ house, and was going to move in with him. Apparently it imploded because she left him, and the guests, standing at the altar. I chuckled, because I never, ever would have pegged her doing that. I was glad.
I moved back to WI, and she invited me to stay, which I did for six months. We played with our dogs often, fell asleep together, bc of the dogs, on her gigantic couch, but never had romantic inclinations or mentioned getting back together. I think we may have tried, by holding hands a few times walking our dogs. It felt natural and familiar, but at a friendship level. Maybe we just made better friends than lovers.
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I stopped drinking 1 year ago. I was a binge drinker, and could never understand why I would keep doing it because of the excruciating pain I would go through sobering up and detoxing. Usually for days. Agony.
Months would go by. Some traumatic event; some buildup of stress and pressure; depression; happiness; boredom; Tuesday, and I would let myself have a drink and days later, bottles everywhere. Weeks; months; years could go by, them seemingly for no reason: bottles everywhere. It didn’t matter how long I had stopped, if I had one drink, bottles everywhere, followed by days of agony.
I thought there was something intrinsic about being an alcoholic that made me turn off the memory of the agony, shame, destruction, despair of recovering again, and satisfying my impulsive obsession to having just one drink.
Maybe I should discuss ‘simple’ behavioral psychology with my therapist. I resonated with the idea I’m rewarding <circumstance here> with that first drink, and separately my alcoholism takes over and bottles everywhere.
Abstinence is my only hope. Eventually, the (wrong) combination of events happen, like a key into a lock. My go-to strategy is to numb it with alcohol - rewarding a behavior, so to speak. I need to intercept the impulse well in advance before it overcomes me.
I’ll see what my therapist thinks; we meet tomorrow. Sorry, thinking out loud here, but I have to write it down anyway. May as well be here.
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For 25-30 years, I would, seemingly randomly and for no reason whatsoever (especially given reasonable success, great upper middle class jobs and salaries and savings and retirement, home, albeit not a great marriage) would binge. Evidently, pretty hard. Years, months and months, then months of not even thinking of alcohol(ism), and then - bam! Another binge, out of the blue, the left me shaking my head saying ‘wtf, why?’
You answered my penchant for self destruction.
Long periods of numb neutrality, punctuated with anger and frustration. But I seem to be non-confrontational and yielding, and tend not to blame circumstances nor other people for my unhappiness. I wonder if my anger and frustration manifests as self-destructive behavior, which I express with what I know to relieve, or distract me from, the unsatisfying numbness - alcoholic bingeing.
It’s the best explanation I’ve heard, and it fits. Deep inside, I’ve known there’s a causal relationship, but this is the first time my behavior has been named. Now that I know it’s a psychological ‘thing,’ maybe I can fix it; something to talk to my therapist about, tomorrow.
Although I’ve started and stopped my entire life (so we’ll see), four days ago marks my 1 year sobriety date.
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I brought this up in a new relationship, and she understood its importance. I said I also require: being wide open and discussing lovemaking like we discuss the book we’re each reading; and that she tell me exactly what do to to please her, even - actually, especially - while we’re performing. And give me feedback on how it felt or feels. I told her how important it was in my relationship. Ultimately, we need to have conversations about it as freely and open as the emotional, spiritual, and mental aspects that we both need.
I didn’t do all of this at once, of course, but when I did it, I was explicit. Seemed to work. For me to enjoy sex, I need her engaged and present and fully aware that while I’m lusting over her body, I’m pouring my feelings of love, respect, and on, into as intensely mentally as I am physically.
Anyway, she’s aware that I, personally, have no desire for just sex. I enter into a relationship only with someone I see a long term connection possible. To me, sex is the ultimate physical expression of love, lusting is deeply intertwined with lovemaking, and it must be present to build and maintain our emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual bond. The woman must know, believe, and fully accept my loving, my connection, and commitment require a sexual relationship to help seal and maintain the bond. It’s just as important as respecting and loving her with my mind and soul and heart - take any one of those away, the relationship will die. Relationships are hard, cuz they have to be constantly maintained and fussed over - I guess that’s why they’re such a huge commitment.
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I bought into the familial and societal requirement that I was to start out courtship with full on pedestalization, and then ‘easing’ down to a lifetime of adoring a woman. It was impossible to maintain this, because I see now that it’s not natural. Worse, when I quit the always-on adoration level, I felt like I was failing, there was something wrong with me, I fell out of love, or had fooled myself into thinking I was never in love. I consciously avoided taking the lead, or being too masculine, since I was trained that women were too fragile to be too exposed to this; I thought I needed to be very careful lest she felt I was too domineering and mean and aggressive.
So, teach me how to be the adored, and to be comfortable with it.
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I left a sexless marriage after years of both of us being frustrated. I think our drives were about the same, but we could never ‘sync’ up something fundamental that we both had, but couldn’t share for whatever reason. When we did have sex, it was devoid of love; when we had moments of love, it was devoid of sex.
Next relationship, we were completely open about sex, and love and lust seemed in harmony. We were on the same page with most things, and I was to take care of her providing security and financial freedom - which seemed to work as she was a great sexual partner, a great companion, and we were best friends. Buuuuut, she got lazy, let herself go, and sex was suffering. When she went from a size 0 to outweighing my 220lbs, I ended it. Dodged a bullet, especially since we were engaged.
Next relationship was also highly sexual. We were both around 50, and I wanted the relationship to be permanent with the same love-lust combination, but she either wasn’t at the ‘love’ level or not interested in a love relationship. It was all about sex with her, and me performing whenever she wanted it. At a different stage in my life, this might have been awesome, but we also had personalities that didn’t mesh well. She was a corporate exec and had a need to control, which grated me. I don’t mind being in charge if the situation calls for it and the situation is acceptable to me, but I don’t need to control. However, I reject being controlled - not by a particular choice or because of pride, but because that’s simply my nature. We also were at opposite sides on the political spectrum, and she was into dei at work before I knew dei was a thing, which eventually I found repulsive.
Now, for 4-5 years I’ve been on my own, no dates, no hookups, not even holding hands - sexless by choice. I’m far happier because there’s no drama or conflict, although it’s lonely sometimes. I’m not opposed to a relationship; in fact, I very much want one. But my relationship standards are pretty specific, and if they can’t be met, I prefer to be alone. I’d rather be sexless on my own terms than on someone else’s yet still in a relationship.
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