Comments by "New Message" (@NewMessage) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. Hell hath no fury like a Pastor taxed.
    6000
  2. I agree.. so.. who's wrong now?
    4100
  3. All that data mining will destroy our environment. All those tunnels under the streets and stuff? That can't be safe!
    3000
  4. It's just another trend, I'm sure.
    1500
  5. I could do 5 minutes standing on my head. * crunch * Ok starting now. * crunch *
    1200
  6. I laughed, I cried, I murdered a college kid...
    1000
  7. It's just a matter of time before Dad starts killing.
    828
  8. STOP SMOTHERING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    557
  9. That's how watching the trilogy made me feel too.
    134
  10. When the toys rise up, we'll all pay....
    125
  11. Is there a CliffsNotes version of this?
    116
  12. That app just keeps sending me the same guy in a rubber suit. I mean, how do you swipe left on this thing?
    99
  13. I see why they call him 'Lucky'.
    87
  14. Why does it keep asking for the current location of my first born child, and the best way to lure him to a van?
    86
  15. There wasn't nearly as much anal as I was promised. In the movie, or the review.
    71
  16. Han donated first.
    66
  17. He did a great Taylor Swift Medley for the talent portion, though.
    54
  18. This needs to be banned, but the designated hitter rule sticks? Madness!
    30
  19. I choose the killjoy life.
    27
  20. What a steamer.
    24
  21. Best Oscars ceremony ever, really.
    24
  22. A goggle-eyed, sticky out eared weirdo like you should have more confidence.
    24
  23. It was just a matter of time.
    21
  24. Omg.. I just.. so can't right now.
    21
  25. I like when they put the football in the basket.
    20
  26. This video totally depressed me.. Thanks, The Onion!
    18
  27. All I could think of during this movie was the messy breakup of Pooh and Paddington. I'm dead inside.
    17
  28. I use Onion social because they know too much about me.. I have to. I.. Look they said they'd tell my wife about my browsing history.. I can't blow up my life right now.. I just can't.
    14
  29. Wait.. why did clicking this video bring up a popup saying I've relinquished my likeness rights and all data privac.. oh... there's way too much of this to read. Look,... yeah see? If your scroll and skim a bit, 'Addendum' keeps coming up. Yeah.. it's an outrage.. an absolute outrage... but, uh... Me wanny video now!!! * click *
    12
  30. Gotta wear your hat in the cold!
    11
  31. Never forget.
    8
  32. I tried the bleeding trick, and I feel much better now.. light headed, even.... Oh look at that bright light!... Grandma? Is that you? But.. you passed in '98... I'm just gonna take a nap for a sec..... * THUMP *
    8
  33. Thank you, Sir.. may I have another?
    8
  34. Health effects aren't real!
    7
  35. I was sweaty before I clicked this.
    6
  36. What did Zenu think of it, though?
    5
  37. He must feel so vulnerable.. poor kid.
    5
  38. I would have thought Bonham-Carter smelled like spider innards.
    4
  39. Ohhh.. when I heard there was a bit on GarofaIo bulls**t health advice, I immediately thought of Janeane Garofalo. I did stand up for it, though.
    4
  40. How else is he supposed to learn?
    4
  41. I deserve to be loved? That's not what my therapist said... Hm.
    3
  42. Jeremy's basement full of trafficked sex slaves is so proud of him.
    3
  43. That's pretty decrepit smell for sure.
    3
  44. It was just a matter of time...
    3
  45. He he he.. he said 'hard'.
    2
  46. The Cheerleaders make minimum wage. Figure that.
    2
  47. Too many technical words. I need this dumbed down a bit.
    2
  48. Awww... Shocking.
    2
  49. Hm.. tell me more about this death policy... 🤔
    2
  50. They'll never make a movie about this because of the conspiracy, though.
    1