Comments by "C C" (@CC-br9qg) on "Jubilee" channel.

  1. Please pray for me, I am begging. This year (2020) I have experienced the loss of every friendship I had been relying on for companionship, reprieve from my toxic household, and connection. My best friend of 10+ years ended our friendship in October over a fight about making plans that I had nothing to do with. This drama happened so many times this year that I no longer feel like I am able to fix the relationship. My other two girl friends ghosted me after I followed one of their boyfriends on instagram (and they attacked me for it and cut me off). My only guy friend (my coworker) blocked me on all social media accounts on my 21st birthday, which was very painful for me. I had recently rejected him romantically but I had invested years into our friendship. I think he chose to cut me off on my birthday to hurt me on purpose, and that felt even worse because I would never do anything like that to him. A guy I was seeing told me "I can't make you happy I would only hurt you" after going on dates for a few months. And lastly, a girl I had met through work a few years back with whom I used to hangout with weekly slowly faded me this fall, until I never heard from her again. Clearly, the common denominator is me, and I desperately want to find out what I am doing wrong and where I've gone wrong. I know my depression has impacted a lot, but I've made concerted efforts not to burden my friendships with my depression and always focused on being in a positive mindset around others. Additionally, my parents separated when I was 9. The divorce wasn't finalized until I was 14. I am the oldest of 3 children. As a result, I saw a lot of things that my younger sisters did not, and I was placed in the unique position of surrogate mother / housewife in the absence of our real mother. This caused a shattering effect on my psyche I am still trying to piece together today. My dad never remarried, never dated, and he emotionally shut down. He is a doctor. My mother is emotionally unavailable and bounces in and out of my life. Now at 21, I have had the ability to reflect on my childhood and see that my mother was not the only monster in my childhood, my dad was his own breed of toxic as well. Both of my parents were emotionally unavailable, although my mom was an overt narcissistic type with her own trauma, my father was passive and allowed my emotionally abusive mother to step all over his children. He kept us in the same house throughout the divorce process, but he kept us in the same stagnation and hurt in an environment not conducive to healing. As the oldest child, I have had to bear each parent pitting one against the other, weaponizing information, and triangulation. I have learned stand up for my boundaries but I am now the black sheep of the family. I am the outcast, the family reject, the one who doesn’t fit in. I am uncomfortable in my own home and I cannot breathe in my father’s house. As a college student, I was not supported by my father in my college aspirations and am currently living at home paying for school by myself. I hold resentment for both parents. I raised myself. I thought I was turning a new leaf connection wise this year, but I have lost everyone I ever cared about outside of my family. I am truly at a loss of how to make new friends / connections now that I have been rejected so many times. I feel like a shell of myself in the wake of these losses, and on top of more losses I have had to recover from within the past 2 years (ex boyfriend, career ending sports injuries, realizing I have never had an emotionally available mother, etc). I feel like I never have anything funny to say, I am too bland as a person inside and out. My interests are simple, my life is simple and I don’t do anything out of the ordinary, noteworthy, or particularly fun. I feel like my friendships have always reflected this about me, I clung on to superficial relationships and I have no close connections. I feel like every time I get close with people they realize how boring/awkward/bland/not fun I am and don’t find me worth keeping around, or they use me for my belongings, energy, or advice with no reciprocation from their end. That has been my experience for as long as I can remember. I feel like I have been rejected by life, by everyone I have ever felt connected with- even my own family. It is one thing to have no friends or significant other and be able to come home to loving parents or lean into your connections with your siblings, but I don’t even have that. I feel so empty and void of connection that I am worried I will not even be able to maintain a healthy long term relationship because I never felt this or saw it emulated as a child. I have toxic family enmeshment, no deep connection to my family, and nobody my age (in college) to reach out to or even grab a coffee with. I was never the most popular kid in school and often felt lonely but nothing I have ever experienced has compared to the last 2 years I have felt with isolation, lack of peer connections, and detachment from life. i was living this loneliness pandemic before the pandemic began. - 21 year old college student.
    2