Youtube comments of C C (@CC-br9qg).

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  91. I graduated college in a major I hated. It was my only path/escape out of the school, and I couldn't waste my merit scholarship. I went to a lower tiered school to avoid crippling loans. I had amazing grades and I worked my butt off. I am at a crossroads. I've applied to over 300 jobs (all corporate environment) and even had an offer rescinded during the economic downturn in June 2022. The job market is so tough for recent grads in the USA. I'm so burned out. Three weeks ago, I started an in-office 9 to 5 in the finance department of a major hotel chain and I absolutely hated it. 9 to 5 is really 8 to 6. It made me so miserable, I dreaded going in to work everyday. The software was from the 1980's and the computers were only a few years younger than me. My bosses didn't give me the time of day and there was no training provided. Nobody would even say hi to me in the mornings, I had to force every conversation. Needless to say, I miss my restaurant jobs from college so badly. The social environment, physical exercise on the clock, interacting with diverse people from all over the world, flexible work hours, being part of a team. Being around a bunch of 20 somethings like me is something I miss while working in an older office environment. I actually enjoyed my day at those restaurant jobs, and even if I had a bad shift, I got my steps in and interacted with humanity. In contrast, I was miserable at my 9 to 5. I barely had time for myself before and after work. The commute ate up 3 hours per day, and traffic is only getting worse going into the fall. I stared at a computer for 9 hours per day and barely got to interact with anyone. I was losing my physical and mental health. My head hurt daily and my soul was being drained. Finally, last week, I called it quits. It was a really hard decision for me, with lots weighing pros and cons. I'm now re-evaluating my goals and life plans. I don't have anything tying me to a job, like loans. I can’t see myself working corporate the rest of my life. I am so lost because my family is disappointed in me and I feel like a loser for being unable to stick with a 9 to 5. "You're shooting yourself in the foot" and "You just wasted an amazing opportunity with so much benefits, you could have worked your way up the ladder," my aunt and grandma said. What ladder? I couldn't envision any sort of future I wasn't miserable in working there. I guess I'm lucky I don't need a job immediately, but I still feel so uncomfortable with the uncertainty and social pressure. I feel like a lazy loser. I don't know where to go or what to do. I very much feel like an old soul, and do not feel attached to material things. I lead a simple life and desire fulfilling connections and purpose above money and "success" defined by society's standards. I'm currently able to pick up shifts at one of my old jobs, but it isn't enough stimulation for me. I want to feel productive. I'm a very creative person and used to be a photographer, make music as well as write fiction and poetry but through the years my talents were suppressed in order to excel in school. My heart has been calling me to move out of state for many years but due to college I was never able to. Now that I can, I have a boyfriend I'm afraid to say goodbye to and I'm living at my father's unsure of how to start the moving process given my job situation and lack of connections out of state. I feel like a shell of myself.
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  232. Please pray for me, I am begging. This year (2020) I have experienced the loss of every friendship I had been relying on for companionship, reprieve from my toxic household, and connection. My best friend of 10+ years ended our friendship in October over a fight about making plans that I had nothing to do with. This drama happened so many times this year that I no longer feel like I am able to fix the relationship. My other two girl friends ghosted me after I followed one of their boyfriends on instagram (and they attacked me for it and cut me off). My only guy friend (my coworker) blocked me on all social media accounts on my 21st birthday, which was very painful for me. I had recently rejected him romantically but I had invested years into our friendship. I think he chose to cut me off on my birthday to hurt me on purpose, and that felt even worse because I would never do anything like that to him. A guy I was seeing told me "I can't make you happy I would only hurt you" after going on dates for a few months. And lastly, a girl I had met through work a few years back with whom I used to hangout with weekly slowly faded me this fall, until I never heard from her again. Clearly, the common denominator is me, and I desperately want to find out what I am doing wrong and where I've gone wrong. I know my depression has impacted a lot, but I've made concerted efforts not to burden my friendships with my depression and always focused on being in a positive mindset around others. Additionally, my parents separated when I was 9. The divorce wasn't finalized until I was 14. I am the oldest of 3 children. As a result, I saw a lot of things that my younger sisters did not, and I was placed in the unique position of surrogate mother / housewife in the absence of our real mother. This caused a shattering effect on my psyche I am still trying to piece together today. My dad never remarried, never dated, and he emotionally shut down. He is a doctor. My mother is emotionally unavailable and bounces in and out of my life. Now at 21, I have had the ability to reflect on my childhood and see that my mother was not the only monster in my childhood, my dad was his own breed of toxic as well. Both of my parents were emotionally unavailable, although my mom was an overt narcissistic type with her own trauma, my father was passive and allowed my emotionally abusive mother to step all over his children. He kept us in the same house throughout the divorce process, but he kept us in the same stagnation and hurt in an environment not conducive to healing. As the oldest child, I have had to bear each parent pitting one against the other, weaponizing information, and triangulation. I have learned stand up for my boundaries but I am now the black sheep of the family. I am the outcast, the family reject, the one who doesn’t fit in. I am uncomfortable in my own home and I cannot breathe in my father’s house. As a college student, I was not supported by my father in my college aspirations and am currently living at home paying for school by myself. I hold resentment for both parents. I raised myself. I thought I was turning a new leaf connection wise this year, but I have lost everyone I ever cared about outside of my family. I am truly at a loss of how to make new friends / connections now that I have been rejected so many times. I feel like a shell of myself in the wake of these losses, and on top of more losses I have had to recover from within the past 2 years (ex boyfriend, career ending sports injuries, realizing I have never had an emotionally available mother, etc). I feel like I never have anything funny to say, I am too bland as a person inside and out. My interests are simple, my life is simple and I don’t do anything out of the ordinary, noteworthy, or particularly fun. I feel like my friendships have always reflected this about me, I clung on to superficial relationships and I have no close connections. I feel like every time I get close with people they realize how boring/awkward/bland/not fun I am and don’t find me worth keeping around, or they use me for my belongings, energy, or advice with no reciprocation from their end. That has been my experience for as long as I can remember. I feel like I have been rejected by life, by everyone I have ever felt connected with- even my own family. It is one thing to have no friends or significant other and be able to come home to loving parents or lean into your connections with your siblings, but I don’t even have that. I feel so empty and void of connection that I am worried I will not even be able to maintain a healthy long term relationship because I never felt this or saw it emulated as a child. I have toxic family enmeshment, no deep connection to my family, and nobody my age (in college) to reach out to or even grab a coffee with. I was never the most popular kid in school and often felt lonely but nothing I have ever experienced has compared to the last 2 years I have felt with isolation, lack of peer connections, and detachment from life. i was living this loneliness pandemic before the pandemic began. - 21 year old college student.
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