Comments by "Terror Management Solutions, LLC" (@thereisnosanctuary6184) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. My heart and prayers to the little boy. I hope they never find his brother.
    19000
  2. My ex smashed her head against a motel nightstand. She told me someone asked her at work "Is he hitting you, baby?"
    4100
  3. "I make 3x as much money as he does, and i'm totally miserable. Honestly, we all thought he would have killed himself by now...but, he hasn't."
    3600
  4. Gorilla born Gorilla grow. Gorilla die.
    3500
  5. Its not about the price. Its that all her dreams died. That the world doesn't care for her anymore. It's a plea from the remnants of her spirit. "I matter! I'm alive"! Somehow that exclamation escaped that parentheses* . But, I decided to leave it. And document it. Please notice me.
    1500
  6. And she will keep hitting that nightstand if she doesn't shape up!
    1300
  7. I told my cat he was going to grow sick and die someday. He just sat there. Stunned. He hasn't spoken to me since.
    1000
  8. Tacts don't care about your feelings.
    801
  9. As a Firstborn, I wasn't too happy with all the brats after me. 20 years after she was born, my youngest sisters boyfriend stole my precious 80s comics collection. Amazing Spider-Man #300 was worth $150 alone. So, I get this. Her first transgression was at 4 years old, when she put my Decepticon in the roadside garbage, never to be seen again. You know what? I'm getting angry..
    540
  10. "Got your nose!" * *Copyright, 1947 Paw Paw Johnson & Associates, A MeeMaw Subsidiary
    538
  11. I told my doctor I'm depressed. He asked me if I'm a loser. I said NO! He said then why are you depressed? He said I can hook you up with antidepressants, but that's not going to help if you're a loser.
    373
  12. I would like to thank the three individuals above me for sucking all the humor out of this thread.
    252
  13. this charming woman Gold.
    155
  14. KDBBM The there are none.
    140
  15. I like Potatoes 1 800 EAT SHIT
    117
  16.  @sundaysalau8653  Actually, I fell in love with them. I want one to raise me, one to nurse me, one to wipe me.
    116
  17.  @sundaysalau8653  I have an unerring ability to do so.
    103
  18. Reece Yee Liberty tracked Bin Laden down.
    90
  19.  @amb.iant_yt  Blade Runner
    84
  20. That's why people are being fooled. The Onion,was an underground pleasure, then kind of faded away. Now, people get sent videos on their phone instead of actively seeking comedy. Perfect timing. Bound to snag a bunch of kids and oldies.
    75
  21. When Karl's dog died and he was bereft, his friends secretly enjoyed his grief.
    65
  22. Wilcon Barro You should always give 110%
    43
  23.  Limp business  Actually, it was Dr. Mario and i was high.
    43
  24. Are those Lovecraftian tentacles or am I looking too deep?
    41
  25. cjenui The original poster.
    39
  26. It was The Shadow Man.
    38
  27. Duel
    35
  28. Did they divorce yet?
    34
  29. Yes, I capitalized the F.
    29
  30. I like Ike.
    26
  31. "I have a Dream. That means I don't wanna be Woke."
    26
  32. The Greeks determined that every one was a vessel. What fills yours may only leave another half full. Either way, you can't hold more than you can. Karl's life is full.
    22
  33. Open Mind They turn onto me. Don't be me.
    21
  34. The Jasonators girlfriend is known as SuperSpreader.
    21
  35. First, I give a little WHA-KAHHH! Followed by a devastating BUH-DUSSHH!
    20
  36. You helped some drunks earn a paycheck for child support. Good man.
    20
  37. Got any sores?
    17
  38. When your two-bed bedroom all of a sudden is a one giant bed bedroom.
    17
  39.  @tshephangmoswete1286  Gotta sue. Malpractice makes perfect.
    17
  40. Boomers will gladly send Gen Z to their death to keep the oil, the poppy fields, the income flowing. Sick, degenerate Dorian Grey culture that needs to breathe its last.
    17
  41. Gorilla Get High
    16
  42. "Got MLK?" white milk-stache
    16
  43. I also leave crucial dysfunction off my profiles. But, I assume they can gather that on their own.
    15
  44. Its deeper than that. Its our fear of being cast from the tribe as deformed, abnormal. unhealthy, unlovable
    15
  45. Y'ain’t Thank You.
    14
  46. Its not satire. It's prophecy.
    14
  47. Well, at least we never got a President that openly admitted sexual assault, offered to pay legal fees for attacking his opponents, admires a brutal Russian leader, condoned white supremacists, allowed the caging of migrant children, and forcibly teargassed police brutality protesters from a church. Wait...
    14
  48.  @tomemery7890  Today's my birthday.
    14
  49. I Am An American. I will die owing money. You will not get it back! Hahaha hahaha!
    13
  50. Qieth Are you an Immortal?
    13
  51. Helen made it to 2020. But, because of Covid-19, she has to mail in her census. Best Hopes for 2030, Helen!
    13
  52.  @BewareTheLilyOfTheValley  Polar bear hauled off with your TMNT game. I tortured my sister's on occasion, too. The worst one got special treatment at times, karma wise. I'd say she owes me about $5,000 in stolen items and traumatic stress. But, hard to sue your family.
    13
  53. Karl spent 12 years in federal prison. During that time, he had abusive cellies, and one beat down over stolen cake ( he didn't do it ) He got through his drug withdrawals, started reading the Bible, and learned he had dyslexia, wasn't in fact stupid. With His improved reading skills, he got into philosophy. His parole officer was very lenient and made sure he went to therapy. For a time he relapsed and was homeless, but his P.O. helped him get a job and a place. Carl appreciates everyday in his apartment and the dogs that love him. He is glad to be drug free, out of jail, productive and that someone took,a chance on him. This is Carl's success story.
    13
  54. KellyAnne is one of the first android models. That's why her skin fits differently every time.
    12
  55. This video has caused me to do some soul searching. But, not child searching. Too late for that!
    12
  56. Chomp
    11
  57.  DimensionX Kitty  Thing is, my angry dramas get replaced with new angry dramas, so i have to triage.
    11
  58. You know they wanted to say Robot Baby but chickened out.
    10
  59. You're her husband
    10
  60. haha 21st century problems!
    10
  61. My brain is a concealed carry.
    10
  62. By the way if you f**** robot dog, you are not actually f**** a dog. Perfectly legal and humane.
    9
  63. "I was scared he was going to,take my XBox, but he took Aaron instead. Yay!"
    9
  64. Its all real news and history. Take notes. Americas Most Trusted News Source
    9
  65. RedHerronRecords JUICY pants? Flip flops?
    8
  66. I believe in you. You got more years to build. And when you're successful, can I have a job?
    8
  67. They all showed up armed one day, and just started laughing...the bonding experience they needed. But, Randy felt excluded. After they laid down arms, he wasted them.
    8
  68. I forwarded this to my grandma.
    8
  69. I was going to stop a schoolshooter once, but the bell rang.
    8
  70. American satire does not translate to other continents.
    7
  71. I knew that bee. He had a troubled pupahood.
    7
  72. @Christian Stewart The child is the parent of the father.
    7
  73.  @chamonix2602  What's all the fracas in here? Here's something funny: the last three words of my initial post weren't spoken in a pleading, sad manner, but more of a self-deprecative admission of attention seeking. However, quite a few people said "I notice you", in a reassuring manner. Awww. Good people. And I could use that now and then.
    7
  74.  @GrayGasana  😂
    7
  75. I have found corn syrup and whitebread have treated my former irrepressible zest for life. Thank you, PepsiCo, Nabisco and MARS.
    7
  76. U What's a kight?
    7
  77. Ready for my Sofia interaction
    7
  78. The greatest trick Manbearpig played, is making people doubt he exists.
    7
  79. I have to walk. I was too fucked up to drive it back last night.
    6
  80. Legend has it he lives in the rafters, only emerging to play and fight evil.
    6
  81. I mean, petroleum will run out someday...plenty of people.
    6
  82. Aaron, what Kevin,is saying is that all these jobs extract something from,your physical and/ or mental health that may obliterate the benefits of a great paycheck.,is like to be financially sound, but not with a broken back, black lung, diabetes, etc. These jobs won't go away, though I think all oil drilling, coal should, but they have to be more humane. Less hours or more benefits, something. I'd say every auto factory should also have an gymnasium and a spa you can go to right after your shift.
    6
  83. Ikr?
    6
  84. Remember, no matter how warm a dog's asshole and/or vagina, this isn't the hill you wanted to die on.
    6
  85. If the corpses were already there, homeowners insurance should cover it. If new, maybe not.
    6
  86. If you or some monkey you know have thoughts or actions about suicide, please call 1 800 BANANAS.
    6
  87. I think you're a Sith.
    6
  88. I know everyone here is for Putin. But after work drinks have gotten into their third excruciating minute
    6
  89. Susan, sibling rivalry is normal. It's healthy for Aaron to articulate his feelings. With time, he may come to miss his little brother. I doubt it, but possible.
    5
  90. GMA Today
    5
  91. Put this in the water of the Ellen show. But, lethal amounts.
    5
  92. What if I said that's exactly what I needed to read last night?
    5
  93. I camped in a woman's bathroom ceiling for weeks when I heard Brooke Alvarez was coming to town. Did i see anything? Yes. But what I can't unsee is all the fat moms with diarrhea. Was it worth it? I want to say yes, but I can't.
    5
  94. As it turns out, the orange man was actually bad.
    5
  95.  @kamenridergnostikos4084  My mind feels raped by your words, but I like mindrape, so it's all good in the hood.
    5
  96. "...That's the catchphrase from,the film, Judge Dredd?" "Yes. Yes, it is." LMFAO
    5
  97. Hmm. What about seeds?
    5
  98.  @chamonix2602  Gramma matters, I agree. As long as she doesn't chew out cashiers.
    5
  99. You had me at No Blacks....as if they watch Baseball.
    5
  100. You think they should stop searching? Have you no decency, ma'am?
    5
  101. I'm pretty sure I've eaten on the toilet.
    5
  102. Honestly that's the best way to do any homework
    5
  103. I'd like to fuck a gal with hip displacia, and make her walk normal for two days.
    5
  104.  @BewareTheLilyOfTheValley  Actually, my parents are rotten people, by now. They owe me. So, what's life like now? All growed up?
    5
  105. " Please call me Martin X."
    5
  106. I used to drink. I still drink, but I used to drink too.
    5
  107. Has Gorilla accept Jesus as Savior? Gorilla Saved.
    5
  108. M. Shambho As planned.
    5
  109. 😭
    5
  110. There is a deadness around the eyes
    5
  111. It is sad, but you must always look on the bright side. The XBox is fine. Thank God.
    5
  112. God Bless that philanthropist.
    5
  113. It was The Shadow Man
    4
  114. Gorilla plan school shooting
    4
  115.  @thatguywhoarguesalot  Why do you say that?
    4
  116. I don't use much tact, just some for certain people. Same day, I can say please and thank you, later tell someone they're an absolute waste of life. I'm more bipolar than aspergers.
    4
  117. She has children, money is tight.
    4
  118. Yes.
    4
  119. My cat used to watch me shower. Now he never does. Am I fat? I'm trying to lose weight!
    4
  120. Actually, I like fat Tracey.
    4
  121. He was a bit unusual. But, I never thought I'd see him do anything like this...again.
    4
  122. Whud up?
    4
  123. So, our prisons are thinning out and cities aren't full of murders?
    4
  124. Straight gangsta Barry dropping some motherfuking bombs on some b**** and snitches
    4
  125. On the plus side, no one's wearing masks. They beat Covid19.
    4
  126. Ngl, running out of lemonade is a tragedy
    4
  127. There is definitely stupidity present
    4
  128. Yeah like the guy below you
    4
  129. That's it. I''m keeping folding chairs near the road.
    4
  130. That's sci fi
    4
  131. Now, we're going to teach the gorilla about abortion.
    4
  132. "What's going to change between now and tomorrow?" Actually, that's how I talked. She was more of a "...lets talk about it later." kind of person. Oh, we never talked about it.
    4
  133. I took him.
    4
  134. TrumpCare provides Trump brand bleach needles.
    4
  135. USA! USA! USA!
    4
  136. Dear Dummies, The Onion,is a satirical newspaper since the 90s. They make Fake News, you know that shit you get rabid about. This satire is about how press secretaries spin anything to be not very consequential or a positive. His Wife's Death would be one thing he could never downplay, but since this is hyperbole, he satirizes how the Gov downplays real bad shit. That I have to say this to anyone over 25...
    4
  137. I drop kicked somebody into tomorrow, and the next day they were waiting for me, prepared.
    4
  138. It's news
    4
  139. Nothing you ain't already said twice
    4
  140. Stupidly, I thought a waitress liked me in 2017. When I asked her out....awkward as hell. I stopped going there.
    4
  141. For me, one word: Jeggins. I really never recovered after buying my first pair. Friendships evaporated overnight. But, I looook goooood!
    4
  142. Such a Susan
    4
  143. True true. I reluctantly waited tables, and the body heat of a waiter running around, going in a kitchen...we needed the AC. The ladies that showed up with bare arms were dumb. Always bring a sweater to a restaurant, chicks
    4
  144.  @GraveUypo  ikr
    4
  145. Are there robot companion dogs there? I'm all in.
    4
  146. Sibling rivalry occasionally results in death. But, Aaron is protected by the mark of Kane. Vengeance is the Lord's.
    4
  147. She's such a sweetie, of course she'd marry a hosebag
    4
  148. I fashioned a noose from my tree to commit suicide. I've been severely depressed. But, I waited a day and the neighbors called the police. I'm charged with a hate crime. I was having doubts about suicide, but my mind is made up, now...
    4
  149. And now, on Covid lockdown, those friends beg for Carl's serenity.
    4
  150. Noice
    4
  151. You're a cruel man, onion.
    4
  152. Every teacher should get S.W.A.T. training, martial arts instruction, hostage negotiation skill set.
    4
  153. Karl is an evolved manbaby. He got a job, got a place. Success.
    4
  154. In America, bombs don't interrupt your wedding. Shame.
    3
  155. I hate Freedom Tower.
    3
  156. Savage. Love it.
    3
  157. She was a cutie. I miss her.
    3
  158. They're a lot more Jews in Marvel Comics
    3
  159. If monkeys weren't meant to be suicidal, how come they have gun hands?
    3
  160. My favorite holiday is Crystal night
    3
  161. Anon Ymous You've had a decade to heal. Any chance you're a skull, now?
    3
  162. America's Most Trusted News Source
    3
  163. FKProds That's what onions do.
    3
  164. Drink this quickly.
    3
  165. Diesel always gets the short shrift
    3
  166. Imagine Mike on a plane that's falling. "Wearegoingtocrash. Thereisa10%survivalratedependingonaltitudeandgeography.Ithinkwewillalldie. I'mgoimgtocallmymothernow. HelloMom,i'mabouttodie, Iloveyou.Bye."
    3
  167. Nick Fury approves this bill.
    3
  168. We need melted face recognition technology
    3
  169. BiDeN!!!
    3
  170. Added plus, robot dogs aren't allergic to chocolate. So, there's that. But, they have no affinity for peanut butter, either.
    3
  171. I slobber when I look at Brooke.
    3
  172. Unskippable One-Man Show...my new legal name.
    3
  173. I like Trisha. In a sexyway.
    3
  174. I am future man.
    3
  175. Conservatives can't sense sarcasm or irony. Ok, attack.
    3
  176. He's still missing, that's why.
    3
  177.  @TahtahmesDiary  Time for a restructure Will take three generations, my estimate. Need every Baby Boomer on Earth to die, first.
    3
  178. So long, Liberty. Hims a good boyz. End of Watch.
    3
  179. Racism is worse than murder.
    3
  180. Kitten Born Kitten Die Gorilla Learn Human Bad Kill Human
    3
  181. Phantom leg syndrome
    3
  182. Your man bun must be humbling
    3
  183. This is SCIENCE!
    3
  184. She wasn't harassed because she's not that pretty. Sorry.
    3
  185. Shouldn't you be an OBGYN?
    3
  186. "Quigley, someday you'll be down under, mate."
    3
  187. Heroes run towards danger. SAVE OUR PETROL!
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  188. One way to know its a robot dog...it talks to you during sex. But, if it's being a dick, it might pretend to be an ordinary dog to get you in trouble. Keep a magnet in your pocket. Better safe than sorry. Fucking a real dog is a crime!
    3
  189. NO ONE HAS TIME TO DO THAT!
    3
  190. Now you gotta mop
    3
  191. Imma stay-at-home non-dad
    3
  192. She's Disney Villainess attractive.
    3
  193. I'm a PETAphile
    3
  194. I'm freezing. Then, go fucking cook something!
    3
  195. Mendel was found guilty.,He's still in prison.
    3
  196. The onion is most trusted news source in America
    3
  197. When your face is a catcher's mitt embedded with two marbles..no way you're sane.
    3
  198. Wow. What a complete lack of empathy, Rachel. These people lost their precious child..and all you can do is make it about you. Disgusting.
    3
  199. Jesus
    3
  200. They gave a piece of turban to Liberty and he tracked down Bin Laden. He did the Roger Rabbit while the SEALS took him out.
    3
  201. Damn grape juice drips on a yellow shirt! Goddammit!
    3
  202. Whaddaya think, Diane? Gonna go after that tire? You know it!
    3
  203. D Koch One Koch down, one to go.
    3
  204. Earth
    3
  205. What about Best Entry Into A Dangerous House, Gun Drawn?
    3
  206. Stop this. Seriously stop this.
    3
  207. Nobody likes a sore loser. Be a sore winner.
    3
  208. Remember Lawn Darts? You're not supposed to catch them, Jeffy. RIP Jeffy McStevens
    3
  209. Update: they have two kids, one adopted from the Sudan, one from Malaysia. They had three, but she 'didn't fit the dynamic' so they sent her back.
    3
  210. El Kudos There is no fun in that fact.
    3
  211. Hey, baby. Lemme see dat uncanny valley.
    3
  212. Onion, now do you.
    2
  213. Build a sidewalk out of old shoes, duh.
    2
  214. He's a shapeshifter
    2
  215. It's because of Florida the Savior isn't Coming Yet!!
    2
  216. I am in your attic
    2
  217. She had a brain stroke and epileptic seizure. Huge caloric burn. Go girl.
    2
  218. There are no Likes here!
    2
  219. This isn't parody. This is a transmission from a parallel dimension.
    2
  220. Jasmine Groves I want an all sarcastic Tv channel. Shows, commercials, news. Just an alternate dimension.
    2
  221. Taylor London, stop spreading hate
    2
  222. Republicans require you birth, raise, and teach a baby before registering for Selective Service.
    2
  223. Everyone that makes and reads The Onion has no respect for religion. So, go watch Veggie Tales.
    2
  224. Right above and right below
    2
  225. 1940s: First eminent female superhero, Greek mythology background. Writer: male feminist and inventor of lie detector, ironically. 1960s: complete overhaul, unsuperheroine, more of a secret agent 1970s: Linda Carter. Yum. 1980s: I hit puberty. Linda Carter...um. 1987: George Perez reboot, more mythology based. 1988: First kiss with Superman 1990s: some redhead takes over for her 1996: Kingdom Come, she is a warrior badass 2000s: I think she kills some people in what if? stories, I dunno. At no point was 1984 pivotal for this character. Except maybe the Supergirl movie came out. No tie in.
    2
  226. Ooh, can I talk to the pretty lady, next??!!
    2
  227. I have duct-taped wrenches to all my long bones. You will feel like a Terminator just jacked you up.
    2
  228. LISTEN UP! You see this? Its a hammer. Whoever yields this will win every office battle. I'm setting it on the floor. When I count to three, go for it. May the Best Intern win! Be my champion! (Next Day, the boss kicked out a lead pipe and the Hammer Wielder was killed the following)
    2
  229. I'm a left leaning centrist. Borderline liberal. Mostly atheist and unpatriotic . Still, I am grateful for Donald Trump. I want a civil war, world war, post apocalypse. Its been warned about since late 40s. Lets have it already. Every sci fi movie is about dystopia. This is it. Now. Lets end it. Rebuild.
    2
  230. This is real I saw Quigley on a bridge once and had to talk him down
    2
  231. I saved Quigley's life. But I couldn't stop him from hitting the booze. And hitting his gorilla wife. Quigley's doing 5 to 10 Upstate for domestic abuse
    2
  232. Giggity Giga saurus
    2
  233. Helm's Deep Dish Pizza is a family fave!
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  234. I Have, Do, and Will Always Love The Onion.
    2
  235. Cuz you have a low IQ?
    2
  236. Please don't suicide bomb me.
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  237. Ollyoxenfree I only know one. ShoeOnHead
    2
  238. Cigarettes aren't gay but they are a gateway drug... 2 sucking cock
    2
  239. I was just spraying white mold in the cellar, and this vid shows up.
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  240. St. Valentine's Day is also known for massacres.
    2
  241. Masquerader LIAR!
    2
  242. Onions do make you cry
    2
  243. High quality sticks
    2
  244. Don't worry, we'll get that asshole. We'll snicker around him, make judgements, uninvite. We'll teach him misery!
    2
  245. Jonathan schaefer 😟
    2
  246.  @MarisRis18  Sick burn.
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  247. I know it wasn't the time I left a pee spot on Kindergarten library carpet...but, that was the first dip.
    2
  248. I stepped onto an ambulance after i put my head in windshield. I refused treatment. They sent me a $70 bill.
    2
  249. I'm a male wet nurse.
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  250. I was going to stare at her on the subway, but I had a zoom meeting.
    2
  251. Only Putin can kill Putin
    2
  252. I think we need a man-child Make-A-Wish Foundation. I want to go to Comic-Con Chicago, I want another Ford Ranger, I want a hotel room in Daytona Beach when Insane Clown Posse is playing and I want a hooker.
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  253. Dan Arnold Your conscience is preventing high comedy.
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  254. Dumbfuck
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  255. Joseph Dunphy I think Pampers are on sale, crybaby.
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  256. I promise this will happen
    2
  257. "When the looting starts, the shooting starts. Whu, whu!"
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  258. It's in the deep dark web.
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  259. This is real news.
    2
  260. I've been selling preassembled couch forts. Also, cushionless furniture. Its good for your back.
    2
  261. Lady Boys
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  262. Ten years, no Likes
    2
  263. Take heart, Donald Trump was elected. You have purpose again.
    2
  264. I propose a Satan Holiday. Devil's Day Hellmas On that day all felonies become misdemeanors. Misdemeanors become freebies. Debauchery rewarded.
    2
  265. A jaundiced baby swaddled in a garbage bag
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  266. John Brown, stop being racist about science
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  267. Monkeys can hold like four guns. ---Ben Franklin, 1989
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  268. Why must I be like dat?
    2
  269. Gandalf The White Cheese Macaroni is a smash!
    2
  270. Monique Rodriguez Come at me, bro!
    2
  271. There ya go! A sense of humor
    2
  272. Chomp.
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  273. Jackie Johnson That's where the joy is.
    2
  274. One dislike
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  275. Technically Muffet was a dog with a monkey inside
    2
  276. I hate false advertising. One of my dating profiles is called NotGonnaRapeYa!
    2
  277. Choose: Catcalls or Cats
    2
  278. Someone will wear a Kevlar vest to drive their Prius. That's when the asshole spike kicks in.
    2
  279. This isn't feasible. Much too expensive. How about a random generator for ignition that activates spikes? You never know when spikes will come out, so less willing to drive. And we won't even have to spike every car. Random.
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  280. LIAR!
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  281. Divorced Dad
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  282. Can I get in line?
    2
  283. Karl before he set goals.
    2
  284. Nice.
    2
  285. True
    2
  286. Researcher: "You must know, Koko, you will die someday, just like your kitten. Life is impermanent. How does that make you feel?" Koko: 👮🔫👩🔪
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  287. Can I have your body then? I mean you don't need it.
    2
  288. Maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it's a man.
    2
  289. Stay Strong. #NoCameras
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  290. That's a pill I drop in your drink, especially if you're already depressed and I hate you.
    2
  291. I actually tore myself a new asshole.
    2
  292. All dogs are suicide prevention dogs
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  293. Everyone grieves differently.
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  294. Money can't buy happiness, but 2.6K Likes does!
    2
  295. I'll have the Sauron's Eye Over My Hammy, please.
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  296. Onion, you are Woman. And I love you, sweetheart. Until the stars go out.
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  297. Everyone deserves a Good Day, now and then.
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  298.  @tomemery7890  Sorry, I missed your BDay, bud,
    2
  299. Only on The Onion do I get this many likes. It's weird. One thousand people? Where are they? I can barely keep a handful of friends in real life. Oh, another terrible bday came and went. This one hurt, because it had potential, made a few real life and YouTube pals since last. Most of them ditched. I swear humans are really only in it for themselves in this life. Everyone else is an ego servant. In their defense, I'm rough on people. I tell them unhappy shit about themselves and myself. Not to drive away. I don't know why.
    2
  300. "You. Give me $12.45. I'll pay you baaaack!"
    2
  301. Gorilla didn't get his vaccine
    2
  302. When I was a teenager I was grocery shopping after I had everything up there on the counter I realized I had left my wallet at home so I just said I'll be right back and then I just got the hell out of there
    2
  303. Hi from future
    2
  304. It's all about The U.
    2
  305. The Cheese I beat gravitys ass once.
    2
  306. The saddest thing I can say is there will never be a President like Donald J. Trump ever again. Sure, the Ovarian-Mutate President of 2104 is very evil. Especially how he/she/it harvests spinal fluid from he/she/its constituents...but i'll never see that. All I get are the dreamflashes they send into the Past to preheat the human psyche for the coming Cataclysm.
    2
  307. Okay.
    2
  308. Justyna May I feed from you? Not sexual. Ahm hungry mama.
    2
  309. Robert Whitley Whoooshh
    2
  310. It's completely true. The Onion is America's Finest News Source. Yes, yes.
    2
  311. I don't like how depression and anxiety are considered disease. Some people are ugly, some beautiful. Some easygoing, some difficult. Your whole industry is populated by well meaning, but clueless humans. Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night. Born.
    2
  312. Sure
    2
  313. Its time to make some frothy love juice
    2
  314. Oh, jeez. Onion predicts again.
    2
  315. Autistic people are truth machines. We are lucky to have them.
    2
  316. *You're *you're
    2
  317. There should be Opt Out Camps.
    2
  318. Viggo Mortenson charged with hissing like a snake at small child
    2
  319. I am from The Future!
    2
  320. Ma'am, this is a Wendys
    2
  321. 215 QAnons
    2
  322. All Bless Glorious Future! New Happiness Infinite!
    2
  323. I'll hold you, until the fear goes away.
    2
  324. Thank God, you were. Even more than i needed.
    2
  325. Quigley started wearing eyeliner and torn fishnet shirts. He listens to Marilyn Manson and thinks gorilla society is a slave society.
    2
  326. Jesus Fucking Christ.
    2
  327. Don't mess with the Crue!
    2
  328. No knives? The shooter doesn't appreciate dark comedy.
    2
  329. Panda Amanda You just summed up the last decade of my life.
    2
  330. There are only three generations in america. The World War II generation, the rock and roll generation AKA baby boomers, and generation x. Generation X younger brother's, sisters and children are really just copies. Think about it. In the 1980s, GI joe, Star Wars and Transformers we're very popular entertainment and merchandise. didn't go in the 90s they didn't go away in the 2000s they didn't go away in the teens, they didn't go away in the 20s. Rap music, video games, computers, dystopian Sci-Fi movies all Staples in the 1980s.
    2
  331. Oh God, your right.
    2
  332. Sweaters, jackets and coats. But, frigid office temps are annoying. Employees are more important than computers.
    2
  333. Just to spell it out it's how our culture has decided discrimination is worse than murder we live in a ridiculous Society if you murdering somebody that's way way way worse than calling them the n word
    2
  334. 1:35 is when I lost it.
    2
  335.  @BewareTheLilyOfTheValley  Nope. Not even, but I am a forgiving type. Just not forgetful. Alaska sounds deadly. I'm in Pennsylvania.
    2
  336. Jane Allbad.
    2
  337. That better be a female computer I ain't no homo
    2
  338. Withme Whostoned How's your 7 year old?
    2
  339. My momma had a gorillas head donated after she was decapitated. I am grateful to science. My monkey mama ain't the same, but she's alive!
    2
  340. me likey Then you are a terrible nurse.
    2
  341. So, now Joe picked up a female hitchhiker that previously called him racist and believes sexual assault accuser. I guess if you're hitchhiking, any port in a storm.
    2
  342. Tortilla chips are from vegetables, so I'm good. So, is Wesson Oil.
    2
  343. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ok.
    2
  344. All real
    2
  345. I have been ill and no one has came to see me in a very long time, so i thought maybe I am dead. Poor mawmaw
    2
  346. "Is this satire?" Have you no decency, ma'am?
    2
  347. D. Trump isn't evil, just kinda dumb and very narcissistic. I want true evil. Some Palpatine level stuff. Someone who devoted their whole life to becoming powerful so they could cause a nuclear apocalypse.
    2
  348. So, how's that kid look now?
    2
  349. I reported them to the better news Bureau
    2
  350.  @skyn3817  the onion is our finest news source you detractor and liar
    2
  351. You do you, bruh
    2
  352.  @youarelife3437  Try 3 Grand. Boo Yeah. I am King of the Internet and I will never die!
    2
  353. It was The Shadow Man.
    2
  354. rip herm
    2
  355. Justice Kavanaugh: I LIKE BEER!
    2
  356. I violated a contractual agreement with a member once, but I didn't know I was. Something about must maintain full time employment, yadda, yadda, yadda
    2
  357. PeachMuffins Valuable lessons.
    2
  358. Yeah, you do seem kind of feminine.
    2
  359. Wolf Blitzer attacks are second most deadly attack.
    2
  360. I am the first person on Earth to make that sentence.
    2
  361. Name checks out
    2
  362. What for?
    2
  363. Sometimes I huddle under Brooke Alvarez' desk after she leaves. Just to absorb her essence. Yasssssss! So goood
    2
  364. It's real. Half the women in my town wear them.
    2
  365. The King is dead, long live the King.
    2
  366. I find your channel disturbing
    2
  367. Gulf Coast Beach Billy Its okay. You're clean now, Billy. You're clean.
    2
  368. The car does have its critics.
    2
  369. RemixedVoice CMT isn't very smart, but BET is depraved.
    2
  370. Trump voters
    2
  371. End of Watch, Liberty. Himz was a guud boyz.
    2
  372. my first crappy video Billy That's their new slogan.
    2
  373. Mrs. Black-Bird
    2
  374. Nope. True
    2
  375. Q-Onion
    2
  376. Angel Ortega Learn sarcasm
    2
  377. You're smart
    2
  378. It's beautiful.
    2
  379. Me too. I hate Spring
    2
  380. "Kamala Harris was that content of character I was telling you about, didn't listen."
    2
  381. THE BAND TRAIN DIED???
    2
  382. Some people ate this onion, and still didn't believe it was an onion.
    2
  383. For children just now discovering this...it's not a Harry Potter or video game reference. It likens the modern use of torture, such as, isolation, "waterboarding", and extrajudicial confinement as primitive as a belief in monsters and mythology.
    2
  384. Anonynous? I wanna be Alcoholic Famous.
    2
  385. Who dat?
    2
  386. Up north a lot of homes have a slate roofs. Basically your roof is made of rocks cut into square blades. I'm always picking up shingles that fell. One of these days, there's a shingle with my name on it.
    2
  387. Nina Mega Settle down, Gentleman Girl
    1
  388. @This is my username I bought a gun same day on 2007.
    1
  389. Trumpvoter
    1
  390. Are you still alive?
    1
  391. Sorry about your mutant babies.
    1
  392. I have hemmorhoids. Good enough?
    1
  393. Onion ate the Onion
    1
  394. Make that one chick driver race it. And has to stop car more often
    1
  395. A bugs gotta eat
    1
  396. I slipped me a Mickey hoping that my waitress would take advantage of me I just woke up later sticky she already gotten off work
    1
  397. That's like saying we should send all our cows, pigs, chickens to other countries. I mean, those are shitty jobs. You're food.
    1
  398. I'm earlier than a preemie.
    1
  399. Replaced with slimey car salesman.
    1
  400. K
    1
  401. To the all the old biddies at a Michaels craft store that came into my checkout lane in the summer of 2007 it wasn't about you it was about me I couldn't stand working there anymore I never even should have worked there to begin with I was building things and unloading trucks and next thing I knew I was wearing an apron behind a counter I felt completely emasculated although I did steal a bunch of s*** before I left brazing Lee and I pissed into a water bottle behind my apron while standing at the counter when it looked like no one was there I really don't belong around humans
    1
  402. It is real tragedy.
    1
  403. The space shuttle is in the shop. And my astronaut license is suspended. So, I was wondering if you could pick me up at Mombase.
    1
  404. Lick it off.
    1
  405. I thought it said a cliff won the cliff diving championship
    1
  406. FAKE NEWS!
    1
  407. Please to tell me this is the joke, yes? No? AIIIEEEEEE!
    1
  408. Jorceshaman It stretches.
    1
  409. Mendel is serving life, no,parole.
    1
  410. GoRiLLa KiLL!
    1
  411. There is hope. I save cellphones and print outs from old emails
    1
  412. I want an eco conscious Prius' ( what's the plural of Prius, Prii?) that shove a fatal spike through your chest, eliminating your carbon footprint, and real footprints.
    1
  413. Poor kid.
    1
  414. Alexander Alekhine Siphon, cuz she sucks
    1
  415. Steve Harvey be like, "Shit, you're not even the winner...but, I betta let this one ride out."
    1
  416. Someone give me Brooke Alvarezs address. I have to eat her.
    1
  417. This is better. Its wine, now.
    1
  418. AheadoftheHerd Come at me, bro!
    1
  419.  @EIBozo  Why are you inventing new things to be racist about? Stick to your old racisms, racist. This is not a "parody" or whatever new word you invented to slander.
    1
  420. Her arms are skinnier than hostesses skeleton bone legs. Hmm. Actually, Skeletor was swoll.
    1
  421.  @Tulinx  HERETIC!
    1
  422. You're hired. If you're still alive.
    1
  423. Aaron's doing great!
    1
  424. Subsistence killing.
    1
  425.  @idislikemacaroni  A bipolar woman is redundant. Just say you're female. Sorry if this comes across as hostile. Heart Emojii.
    1
  426. These words best describe me: LASER. IRON. DISCIPLINE. DIESEL. SNAKEEYES. LOCO. Unrapeable. Dangerous, so very, very dangerous.
    1
  427. We love The Onion, but you don't ever want The Onion to look at you.
    1
  428. Something about Jane Carmichael makes me want to just gnaw on her.
    1
  429. Superman. Supergirl. Superboy Superdog Superhorse Superchimp Superwoman Superblackman SuperLGBTQperson Superbaby Superembryo SuperJesus Superamoeba SuperTrans SuperIndianWoman Supercat SuperEmoEdgelord SuperIncel SuperLesbianBlackGirl SuperRacist SuperTrump
    1
  430. I know for a fact I look better drunk. I mean, how come I talk to women out of my league if I'm not hot?
    1
  431. Ty
    1
  432. Philip D 😉
    1
  433. Cool guy 49 How bout I show you my Freddie Kruger effect? SSLASSSH!
    1
  434. B.I.N.G.O. is my name.o.
    1
  435. I think you've got high stakes in this
    1
  436. Alan Moore's Swamp Thing was light years ahead of anything on the stands in the 1980s. And holds up damn well. Read it.
    1
  437. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, 'k.
    1
  438. Actually, I waa quoting Deuteronomy 17:12.
    1
  439. "Good Mornin', Ms. Daisy!"
    1
  440. Mendel Brown was found guilty in 2 hours of deliberation.
    1
  441. Sharknado is sweet
    1
  442. I'd like to bury my bone in Gayle King
    1
  443. Not okay, no Korea
    1
  444. 826 is my birfday
    1
  445. BURRRRNNNNN!!
    1
  446. No one drank Ketchup Kola, WHICH I LOVED! Now, its gone!
    1
  447. Billy Baque *too. I agree.
    1
  448. Go get your shinemop!
    1
  449. Bah-dump!
    1
  450. Mrs. Hulk: I'm horny. Hulk Smash Cheeks!
    1
  451. medexamtoolsdotcom You're like male her.
    1
  452. I thought she had orange knees.
    1
  453. Literal, Atomic Dogg.
    1
  454. This is real news.
    1
  455. Who's that? Never heard of her
    1
  456. Help! I've fallen and I can't GET ON UP! With mah badknees
    1
  457. CRESSBECKLER 2024
    1
  458. 68% Noooooooo!
    1
  459. Eric Codecire "I'm crazy."
    1
  460. It's comedy, but the main reason Trump was elected was to help these people. The other reason was revenge for Obama and to stick it to Clinton. We can laugh, but everything you have is manufactured and delivered by people who aren't brilliant neuroscientists, beautiful actresses, sports heroes. Its Steve and Wanda providing food for their kids, keeping their house payments, fixing the car. Most jobs are demeaning, and your employer rarely values you. This used to be one of the Democrats main objectives. Now, they are the college-kid and criminal justice party. Republicans must disavow any kind of racism, evangelism, and plutocracy and become champions of the working class, even if a lot of them are dumb as a box of hammers...which have to be made and delivered. Neo Cons, do your job. Stop fighting a culture war. You've already lost. Make America Crappy Again. Not China.
    1
  461. They did an age progression of kidnapped child. Ugh. Probably for the best, he's gone. Aaron is in high school. Straight As.
    1
  462. I amhumbled by your story. But, not all children should be found. Its in the Lord's hands,now.
    1
  463. If you're a non-alcoholic, that first non-drink is the first of many. Drink up. Eventually, you'll run out. But, there is no end to nothingness.
    1
  464. iver Not really. Nice try.
    1
  465. Their
    1
  466. You can't have a break up until you live together. Its just fact. No divorce without marriage. Try for an untimely pregnancy to really spice up the pain.
    1
  467. I'm a man of few words. I let my actions speak for me. Here's one: WHAA-KAHHH!
    1
  468. Fortunately, that gender reveal party helped clear out some vision obscuring brush.
    1
  469. That reality is seeping into ours.
    1
  470. Abortion would deprive of us precious babyskulls. Let the free market decide.
    1
  471. For Fun: Scroll up the drawing of Chief Justice Scalia while the fat lady is on screen.
    1
  472. "Alright, stop,what your doin, cuz ahm about to ru-in the images and the sounds that you used to!"
    1
  473. @9INE PLANETS 🔼Dog pyramid scheme
    1
  474. To think a female waitress has Prime opportunity to spike your drink and take advantage of you but they never ever ever do what gives?
    1
  475. HEY, SKETTI ARMS, EAT SOME GROCERIES!
    1
  476. Ra's Al Ghul was an eco terrorist, but the movie Batman Begins didnt focus on that.
    1
  477. Is there anybody you can call for help?
    1
  478. No Jared eating Fresh?
    1
  479. Don't ever live in a ranch home. You need stairs to blame.
    1
  480. I had an idea for a bloody kids tale today. Something in the air.
    1
  481. I would always go as a fancy boy. I would dance for candy.
    1
  482. Looks like that chick making I Love My Conservative Life ads
    1
  483. Mine plays fine. Great video
    1
  484. Then the devil is racist. And that doesn't fly here, mister!
    1
  485. Becky, if we don't teach our animal brothers, who will? Jesus loves you.
    1
  486. Where do you get sleeping gas? Asking for a friend
    1
  487. I can't believe they got Penn Gillette to guest.
    1
  488. Lookin' pretty healthy there Heart Boy! Get down and give me 20!
    1
  489. Wow. The IQ in here.
    1
  490. Going to have to use some McAfee virus protection first
    1
  491. You have .1 K more Likes than me. I must end you.
    1
  492. So's your cooking.
    1
  493. Actually, Oprah does look edible.
    1
  494. Child abduction is supposed to be funny? This is a real tragedy, lady!
    1
  495. But, I own a camera. And a dog. Why can't I have a show?
    1
  496. David A. Fye II Sounds like someone needs their ass beat. And I'm just the man for the job. Put your MAGA hat on if it helps.
    1
  497. David A. Fye II WHAA-KAHHHH! Take that, Commie. That was the Power of America that broke you.
    1
  498. Chomp
    1
  499. Kamala would lock him up, take over.
    1
  500. Onions can cause tears, too.
    1
  501. We must fight on. Don't let Liberty down. Hims was a good boys.
    1
  502. Just got back from a bad shaking. I mean I really am sorry about the peanut butter.
    1
  503. Whataboutnothingism.
    1
  504. And if I was the onion I'd be like we just report the news we don't make it
    1
  505. Spoken like a robodogfucker
    1
  506. Heartless comment
    1
  507. That's your climate. But, the weather changes.
    1
  508. I Have Come.
    1
  509. It's a Stoneman St. Valentine's Massacre! Too soon?
    1
  510. Police batons should be disinfected before used against my skull.
    1
  511. My process is first, WHAHH-KAHH! Then, BIP! Followed by a powerful, B-DOOM! B-DOOM! BIKOWW! I learned that during my time in the Orient.
    1
  512. Someday Rodrigo will get his paycheck. Someday...
    1
  513. Funnily, one of those teens is his illegitimate grandson. They locked eyes for a second, seemed to notice a psychic connection...then another teen whipped a half drank slurpee at Pete and they all ran out the door. A short glance back, and he was gone.
    1
  514. Is that female Penn Gillette?
    1
  515. Damn this must have been Applebee's Detroit
    1
  516. Can I get a homicide vest instead?
    1
  517. Code Optimization Ware Too Long; Didn't Read
    1
  518. Ever balance a Stouffer's on your belly watching QVC ladies? Fork hits rug. Wipe it on thigh. Nothing really matters.
    1
  519. Newt Gingrich spiked his drink with Despondex
    1
  520. I say you it real
    1
  521. Today is 12 years ago, 12 years from now.
    1
  522. "There's no white to your eyes K'Ronnica."
    1
  523. I don't care what you achieved in your adult life. You will always be the kid that pooped himself. always. I actually saved some of your poop from high school to show it to you later.
    1
  524. I think we need to invest in human catapults and big circus nets to get places. On occasion, there will be a surface to air collision, but those will be rare....and hilarious.
    1
  525. "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" What??!! "I fucking shot myself!" What? Wh-how? I dont... "I WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS! NOW, PUT YOUR HEALING POWERS ON THIS GODDAMN FUCKING LEG!" Ok, ok! I told you not to use those things. Here, better? "NO." Do you want some McDonald's? I can have Gabriel zip on down there. "Yes." I love you, Father. "I love you, Son. Can I get Horsey sauce?" Yes, Father. That's an Arby's thing, but we can do it. How you feeling? "It hurts. But, not as bad. How's Gabe coming with that Mickey D's?" Right here, Lord! They were out of Orange Fanta, I got you a Coke Zero. "GODDAMMIIT!!"
    1
  526. Actually, the 80s were awesome with some exceptions. Women's hair being one of them.
    1
  527. Freddy Marcel-Marcum What happened on June 5, 2016?
    1
  528. If you think about it, beauty pageants are participation awards for children.
    1
  529. No, its the future. You're here.
    1
  530. Debbie upper
    1
  531. 64 try 74
    1
  532. Don't coat the truth with your lies!
    1
  533. Looks like the Republicans were right. God and Guns go good together.
    1
  534. Not if you're Hitler
    1
  535. Fucking a Robodog isn't illegal. Programming Robodogs to fuck people is.
    1
  536. I'm disappointed you didn't add duck lips
    1
  537. Yes.
    1
  538. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, okayyyyyyyyyy?
    1
  539. Myes!
    1
  540. THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!
    1
  541. Nice
    1
  542. You
    1
  543. Pea brain
    1
  544. I don't think her head is screwed on all the way.
    1
  545. Jimmy Burchette We can only aspire to your success,
    1
  546. nhmllr725 Still alive?
    1
  547. You really had your opportunity last year government
    1
  548. Rachel Andrade-Paresa Still alive?
    1
  549. I had to buy used one it's not the same I don't like it it was another guys junk in there
    1
  550. Oldman Zone Bacon, Lettuce & Mozzarella?
    1
  551. And periods. We can't always be stopping a scene cuz yer ragging
    1
  552. You didn't disappoint.
    1
  553. Only Death It was sarcastic irony or ironic sarcasm. Not sure.
    1
  554. Need a slight edit
    1
  555. You dumb fuck.
    1
  556.  @arbiterak2  Racist onion
    1
  557. They got jobs
    1
  558. But, why?
    1
  559. " but is it illegal? But is it illegal? Is it illegal? Is. It. Illegal? "
    1
  560. " I had a dream. You ruined it."
    1
  561. Jackets aren't to keep you warm, but to keep others warm.
    1
  562. Genius
    1
  563. What if because of her deciding to hold up everyone that one day the store decided to be really on guard about its overpricing? She's the hero we don't deserve or want
    1
  564. Well, not now.
    1
  565. Completely true.
    1
  566. God's not dead, he's just old.
    1
  567. I think Todd Richmond should be depressed, since his hair is going from peninsula to island.
    1
  568. It's a Democrat hoax!
    1
  569. Geo-Corpse for your Android or IPhone. No more wheelbarrelin' bodies up a hill!
    1
  570. Your diatribe is a form of media. It even has the ability to show likes, but not dislikes.
    1
  571. Been saying this for years. But, apparently not loud enough.
    1
  572. My Favorite Move is something I call the Liquid Ninja. Its actually faster than human eyes can track, according to Guiness.
    1
  573. I think I can say unironically, no one gives a fuck about Africa. Not even Africans.
    1
  574. Would you like to donate to the Center For Missing and Exploited Children?
    1
  575. Well if they followed social distancing guidelines,,,
    1
  576. I spent the 2000s in a coma myself. 2001: A Space Odyssey helped fill in the gaps. So, what happened to Pan Am?
    1
  577. MTV switching to all acne medication and vocational schooling commercial format.
    1
  578. Mike R. LOL Your curmudgeoness is fresh
    1
  579. Rachel is testing us
    1
  580. D Sandoval Youre 8 years late
    1
  581. Recommended in 2029
    1
  582. New viewer:"did that guy really drown?"
    1
  583. You're not that horrible.
    1
  584. Not voting is too slow. I want to actually vote for Armageddon,
    1
  585. Pretty sure you can't fuck a robot dog in the face with the President watching, no criminal charges.
    1
  586. This is an attack on our financial district
    1
  587. Gumption.
    1
  588. Unfortunately if you're that heavy you're probably going to s*** yourself and everyone will call you poopy pants Mick stretchy neck. Seen it a thousand times.
    1
  589.  @PeacefulPêche  Go on...
    1
  590. Messing with a boys Spider-Man is a capital offense where I come from. It's Spidey!
    1
  591. George Thoroughgood music starts
    1
  592. Ma'am this is a Wendy's
    1
  593. Don't blow an o-ring.
    1
  594.  @nodmyhead6198  You have chose wisely.
    1
  595. Jer-emy spoke in, spoke in. Jeremy spoke inn classsss againnnn
    1
  596. India is a rock-based economy.
    1
  597. You need to go to principal O'Shaughnessy office
    1
  598. Apparently, Iraqis look like Ebenezer Scrooge being woken at night
    1
  599. Mmm Jane Carmichael.
    1
  600. Superman saved me from a burning building once. Someone from the Daily Planet sent me a $1,348.10 bill. I didn't pay it, and my house was dropped in a lake.
    1
  601. For me, my manbun. When I finally could rock one, it was becoming a joke, but I like it.
    1
  602. Laughing
    1
  603. My struggles are more important
    1
  604. It requires a lot of thrust to break free of the friend zone. If you blow an o-ring, you'll burn up during reentry. Use Astro Glide.
    1
  605. LOL
    1
  606. Like dog butt.
    1
  607. Oil for sticks!
    1
  608. To be fair, they are asked to wear coats in cold weather. If you were asked to wear a coat in July, reprimanded, refused service, you would be this angry.
    1
  609. Jackets are a racket!
    1
  610. Serious
    1
  611. They just need to put a bunch of peanut butter on a land mine.
    1
  612. If you need to deescalate a fight, just get really gay.
    1
  613. Aw, they should have photoshopped Grimace to be thin
    1
  614. Why am I obsessed with Jayne Carmichael?
    1
  615. Killin With Ki11Roy What happened seven years ago?
    1
  616. All women close to/during/way past menopause believed. And a few crotchety old men with Trump bumper stickers.
    1
  617. Remember, rapists have rights too.
    1
  618.  @sorrymrgoogle2601  Bat-Gorilla?
    1
  619. Savage
    1
  620. God is a Beretta Man!
    1
  621. Beat it.
    1
  622.  @remixgameyt1172  Stop spreading lies, flat earther.
    1
  623. B-b-buh Brooke A- Alvarez...Juh juh Jane Car Muh Muh Michael....I love you both! Hold me!
    1
  624. THEY WERE LEVIS! NOT WAL-MART BRAND PANTS!!!
    1
  625. We are now offering curbside pickup for garbage. You don't have to drive your cans to the woods no more.
    1
  626. This is a retread.
    1
  627. I want a date with Jane Carmichael.
    1
  628. Philip ? Another: Ingratitude.
    1
  629. Razuberyl Most human beings aren't anime fetish weebs.
    1
  630. When I start windmilling, someone's gonna lose their weave! Watch out!
    1
  631. Jason, The Mason?
    1
  632. You could leave the house in a Red Ryder with oars.
    1
  633. @Christian Stewart Thank you.
    1
  634. * quotation mark
    1
  635. He repaid his debt to white south African society.
    1
  636. FAKE NEWS!
    1
  637. Today, you probably could fuck a robot dog in front of the President. And he can't say a damn thing.
    1
  638. Ohhh, I love it!
    1
  639. I love the rage here.
    1
  640.  @philojudaeusofalexandria9556  You are a magnificent bastard.
    1
  641. Thief Lover
    1
  642. Do better
    1
  643. He's not an asshole. He summed up history and real life, it's just changing as sex roles blur.
    1
  644. Lately, my towns beauty was created by a major squall.
    1
  645. My technique is deadly. I keep sand in my pockets. I blind you and then just go to town, waling on you like a redheaded stepbitch! BOOM! BA-KOW! BA-DOUSSHH! CHIKKA- CHIKKAHH!
    1
  646. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT... ...amongst improvised explosive devices.
    1
  647. I'd like to see some baby plow-borgs in a sandbox.
    1
  648. Ironically, f*** used to be a nickname for cigarettes
    1
  649. Yeah, cock!
    1
  650. No money, no problems.
    1
  651. I find them beautiful
    1
  652. All the other kids that I missed last time, betta run, better run, outrun my gun, again.
    1
  653. Redacted.
    1
  654. Like that robot in demon seed remember that movie yeah
    1
  655. I redacted it
    1
  656. "If I were not Alexander The Great, I would wish to be Carl." "If I were not Carl, I would wish to be Carl as well."
    1
  657. In this universe, MTG is reserved and polite.
    1
  658. Wonderful comedy. But would have been more believable and funny if fat guy wrenched the woman out of car.
    1
  659. Tracey has a scar on her back from,a fight with Rachel Ray back in ' 02. Saw that fight. Like junkyard dogs...
    1
  660. I'd say the host needs to end her diet. Get some groceries!
    1
  661. Remember, anything can become flying debris. Even other people.
    1
  662. That's a handsome woman.
    1
  663. Dunn dun duhhh!
    1
  664. JACKETS ARE A RACKET!
    1
  665. Notfor Theclout Were they of the elite class?
    1
  666. I get more likes in the Future.
    1
  667. What a handsome face
    1
  668. The first rule about intern club, is no one talks about intern club.
    1
  669. Too late
    1
  670. Texas Knight Hard to believe this was 9 years ago. I'm from 2029.
    1
  671. Um. What?
    1
  672. Nick L Too true
    1
  673. Grape Ape
    1
  674. Why would you sue black people?
    1
  675. Give them some Despondex.
    1
  676. I find the drowners dance sophomoric and predictable. Do better.
    1
  677. Why is Oklahoma shaped like that? Its almost like Kansas didn't want to touch Texas.
    1
  678. I'd like to bury my bone with Gail King
    1
  679. TomD I live nearby.
    1
  680. You didn't eat the onion, but still it made you tear up.
    1
  681. When Jane Carmichaels hair is long, she is hot
    1
  682. bonebog Well, it is.
    1
  683. Pray for Aaron.
    1
  684. This comment got an average of one Like every two hours for three years.
    1
  685. Ouch.
    1
  686. Smiles Santana Let the hate flow
    1
  687. Karl gets mad p**
    1
  688. Child abduction isn't supposed to be funny. Have you no decency?
    1
  689. Killstrong shoved a broom handle between someones spokes. That mother flew!
    1
  690. David Lewis You're choosing children over women.
    1
  691. What did you eat?
    1
  692. Tomorrow's poop.
    1
  693. Always a Steve
    1
  694. Marlarki Its our polar opposite...yet they benefit. And now, we suffer. So, not incredible.
    1
  695. Who's Hannah?
    1
  696. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide please call 1 800 bananas
    1
  697. Deep
    1
  698. Look up satire in the dictionary. I'll wait.
    1
  699. Savage
    1
  700.  bobwatters  the gap is closing
    1
  701. Audrey. If you persist in your fake news conspiracy hysteria, I may report you for harassment.
    1
  702. It does.
    1
  703. Hahaha
    1
  704. I don't know if Brooke Alvarez is real, but I feel I must stalk her, capture her, own her.
    1
  705. I think Peter Parker pulling his Spider-Man mask off a little bit to reveal a smile was an uncircumcised nod.
    1
  706. This man will always be known for this. It will be mentioned in his obit.
    1
  707. Predicting future again. Romney stood against Trump. Just needed the worst prez of all time to bring it out.
    1
  708. Ironically, I have medicine for super crabs.
    1
  709. You seem sad.
    1
  710. Real
    1
  711. Lil' Michael Bay
    1
  712. And the miracles don't stop there, Don!
    1
  713. "Black Lives Matter, Just Not His" -James Croft, # 468861
    1
  714. There won't be a hole large enough for the scream building in your chest to escape.
    1
  715. Please be hateful in this.
    1
  716. Seven
    1
  717. Chomp
    1
  718. God isn't an angry old man. That's a human invention based on fathers and kings. If he exists, he is more of a feeling and a force.
    1
  719. Ooh, ooh! Now do The Onion!
    1
  720. I’m a Yeti. Question of intent. Did you think it was a robot before you fucked it? I mean, your friend.
    1
  721. Say goodbye to Ruby tuesdays!
    1
  722. 1:21 and 1:51
    1
  723. Hahahahaaha
    1
  724. Remember if you are having thoughts of suicide 1 800 banana
    1
  725. Cody is sure it's unloaded. It's always got one in the barrel.
    1
  726. If you blow an o-ring, you may burn up during reentry.
    1
  727. Trump rolled up in his limo and dropped her a c-note. You're doing the Lord's work.
    1
  728. I'm pretty sure my bones are adamantium.
    1
  729. snacky 1253 you're
    1
  730. Somewhere I saw a gunhat being advertised. Not the Onion, though.
    1
  731. Gary never responds, thought you knew that. Nice guy, though.
    1
  732. He played you both.
    1
  733. Him.
    1
  734. So, women that make average grades can still marry a valedictorian. But, men that make average grades marry a drop out.
    1
  735.  @Sewblon  It was an analogy. It probably isn't accurate
    1
  736.  @Sewblon  That's a strange mix of compliment and insult. Good job. I feel simultaneously validated and like shit.
    1
  737. Truth
    1
  738. I hope my child, Logan Anakin Sawyer never grows to see this future.
    1
  739. I remember Supergirl 1984.
    1
  740. Pretty sure this is how the Borg is created
    1
  741. Audrey, stop spreading your flat earth conspiracies.
    1
  742. That Star that shoots out blades!
    1
  743. This is God's Work, you climate denier.
    1
  744. The point is that not all missing and exploited children should be found. Its in the Lord's hands.
    1
  745. Sign me up!
    1
  746. I'm a Recovered Alcoholic. They found me floating in the bay.
    1
  747. I love the back slap
    1
  748.  @mannysoloway2286  I know. Thanks.
    1
  749. Chop
    1
  750. Karl's life used to be shit. This is his upgrade.
    1
  751. Lady, you need to do some soul searching. But, not child searching. Too late for that.
    1
  752. Jackie Johnson Ow! Get off me!
    1
  753. Come at me, bro!
    1
  754. Hannah, blink if you need help. Wait...
    1
  755. LoL
    1
  756. I liked the painting of hot air balloon piss
    1
  757. I want to set it 2 trans
    1
  758. I'ma Mama Celeste Man, myself.
    1
  759. A beetle ate my baby.
    1
  760. Its....um, racial. Sorry.
    1
  761. Its not an. A C T U A L. F U C. K.
    1
  762. Ikr
    1
  763. I AM TIRED OF THESE MOTHERF**** SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERF**** EARTH!
    1
  764. Ok, now you're just being obvious, Onion.
    1
  765. The Killer whooosh
    1
  766. mac34677 Whoooosh
    1
  767. WHAA-KAHH!
    1
  768. Equals 5
    1
  769. Honestly, Biden is return to mediocrity instead of the current freak show. We don't need anymore Boomers.
    1
  770. ROCK THEIR WORLD!!!! ROCK IT!!
    1
  771. Who be believes this shit
    1
  772. Spoken by a woman, but written by a man.
    1
  773. RIP McCain. Hims was a good boyz.
    1
  774. Those that would sacrifice freedom to get safety, deserve neither. We voted Neither.
    1
  775. Unappreciated gem.
    1
  776. We must report it if we ever have hope of finding this precious baby.
    1
  777. Why would you be amused at a family's horror and loss? Lady, it's not all about you.
    1
  778. Air Force AF!
    1
  779. "Ask not what black people can do for you, but what you can do for black people!"
    1
  780. He has the voice of an angel
    1
  781. No body pillows?
    1
  782. Carl eats a lot of Stouffer's.
    1
  783. Freedom isn't free, but it is chilly.
    1
  784. Same age as the next school shooter
    1
  785. P3N 5X3 Yikes, found the last worder.
    1
  786. I wrote "Krav" over my MAGA hat so trans people would stop tearing me new assholes.
    1
  787. Or you could just kiss Lady Gaga
    1
  788. I ate a Bunch of cheese fries, so stfu!
    1
  789. Anyone else turned on by this lady saying "fucking?"
    1
  790. You're racist.
    1
  791. I can't afford a Japanese sexbot. This will do, just fine. I can afford a crackwhore.
    1
  792. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, 'Kay.
    1
  793. KevinShinwoo As payback, they gave him,an all guacamole burrito after three without. Took a few weeks.
    1
  794. I just want to lose weight in certain areas. Butt worms?
    1
  795. King of the Internet here. My doctor said I'm dying. Fuck you Doc! I AM ETERNAL!
    1
  796. Later that day, his friends ate puppies and chased cripples.
    1
  797. "That's one feisty lady!"
    1
  798. james crown Chomp
    1
  799. And eat a fucking vegetable now and then.
    1
  800. If an abducted child is your idea of humour, you need a shrink, Robyn. I'll pray for you.
    1
  801. R.i.p. kid Justice
    1
  802. If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? First, when was there a tree there? Also, I don't have ears.
    1
  803. Shhhh!
    1
  804. A doctor once told me that I have the highest bone density he's ever seen. That perhaps I should take it easy. I'm too dangerous. Sorry, Doc. That's not how I roll. Don't start none, won't be none. I'm an OG.
    1
  805. Adele Williamson 2112 Never thought you would!
    1
  806. We need to stop shaming the mentally ill in this country. It's not Michelle's fault that she was born with her illness
    1
  807. Gorilla born Gorilla Grow gorilla die you forgot one gorilla kill
    1
  808. Play your pranks, aliens. But, when you take our jobs, that's when America fights back! I'll be goddamned if some slimey greenskin takes food off my table!
    1
  809. Candy ass couldn't hang with the big dawgs. Put on your game face! It's go time!
    1
  810. Don't let your phone ring suspensefully, 2 or 3 times.
    1
  811. Amber J The Eagle has landed
    1
  812. I'm white and this is how we eat.
    1
  813. Don't listen to the cynical conspracy theorist. This child needs to be found! Just not returned.
    1
  814. Heavy head made it difficult for Liberty to flee explosion.
    1
  815. All the other kids in their pumped up kicks that I missed, better run, outrun my gun... again.
    1
  816. So, Victorian Steve Jobs.
    1
  817. My next screen name is hairless hammer
    1
  818. Dylan Williams Won those wars
    1
  819. Please, help stop Elector Fatality. Everyone has a right to vote.
    1
  820. This is a real newscast from years ago where I live. They never found him. But age progression matched with him as an older boy seen a few times in my county.
    1
  821. ALL BAT-MOBILES EVER
    1
  822. Beiruit just learned that.
    1
  823. Kit Coffey Y'rwelcome
    1
  824. I wanted Stephen Hawkins to come out furious, ram wheelchair. I DISCOVER UNIVERSES, CRIPPLE!
    1
  825. Poor Mawmaw
    1
  826. Original thought: exists Me: exists
    1
  827. Cool beans
    1
  828. Jane Carmichael turns me on.
    1
  829. Are you real?
    1
  830. I've never applebeen there
    1
  831. When I made the carpet damp during story time at the library I refused to get up until that s*** was dry
    1
  832. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, kay.
    1
  833. Drowning in saliva
    1
  834. What??!!
    1
  835. The Denny's sign barely missed the Prez limo when it fell. He looked out the rear window in disgust
    1
  836. Chris T. What about Jesus H. Christ?
    1
  837. IF I TAKE TIME TO SEW PATCHES, YOU BEST BELIEVE AHMA STITCH YO ASS UP!
    1
  838. Virginal Period blood
    1
  839.  Aleksa Kole  Whooooosh
    1
  840. It has begun, my son.
    1
  841. Voicemail from Mom deleted three words in.
    1
  842. "That is niiiiice!"
    1
  843. Supergirl 1984 seemed more authentic.
    1
  844. Jackie Johnson Very narcissistic worldview of others worldviews. I'm essentially an Alkie, but that's mostly because people are shit. If someone replaces the negative health effects of addiction with kumbayah prayers, more power to them.
    1
  845. CᎾNЅIЅᏆENᏆ ᏉIBEЅ Capitalism is a disguise for kings and kingdoms. The peasants lives are entertainment
    1
  846. I have a very special set of skills.
    1
  847. Its 100% real. Foreigners don't understand how America works.
    1
  848.  @dapongauahawara9561  And dogs. We love both.
    1
  849. It's good for keeping your real skin supple. I double bag it.
    1
  850. Then how are we going to create people?
    1
  851. Romuald caffésérré Feelings don't care about facts!
    1
  852. Q-Gang
    1
  853. Miss Fangalon WHAHH-KAHHH! You've been schooled.
    1
  854. Cat man, myself.
    1
  855. Racist.
    1
  856. I know for a fact I could take you two at same time. I'm bad.
    1
  857. If you are in a coma 10 years, do you age ten years? Body probably ages more than face. But, time works different at higher speeds. Solution: put comatose people on bullet trains and centrifuges. When they wake up, it'll be like time travel.
    1
  858. And they'll still be sexy, more or less.
    1
  859. Prequel: Band Camp
    1
  860. Come at me, bro. Sick of your shit.
    1
  861. Diogenes on Prozac
    1
  862. Yes, Yes! A thousand times, Yes!
    1
  863. How about now?
    1
  864. "In Sov-iet Russ-ia, robot dog fucks you!"
    1
  865. This is history now, not news.
    1
  866. Mm, bunch of dogs...LOL
    1
  867. For some. Its not always biological. In fact, i say rarely.
    1
  868. I used to aim at the one person not wearing a mask, now I aim at the one person wearing a mask.
    1
  869. The secret is don't START drinking until 4am. You can be plastered all morning and midday. People will just think you're one of those fucking annoying morning people. Keep a travel Scope in pocket, and garlic. Covid Masks are great!
    1
  870. TUNDRA Then its the company. It is a scam.
    1
  871. Oh thank god
    1
  872. I want Brook and Jane to play tug-of-war with my body
    1
  873. Stunning achievement.
    1
  874. Maybe its Mabelline, Maybe its a Man.
    1
  875. 0 means 0!
    1
  876. Well, stop eating Olympians,
    1
  877. This is very racist thread.
    1
  878.  @san291199  Warm races?
    1
  879. Nutritionists and biologists have determined that fat cells contain the self-esteem enzymes. The larger the cell, the more its production is diluted. So, shape up, you fat fucking losers!
    1
  880. It is just you.
    1
  881. He pleaded with the jury, that no matter their decision...life in prison, or execution...they don't label him racist. That means exclusion.
    1
  882. "Just terrible." This makes me think people born when The Onion was popular are now producing it. Dream Job! But, you suck.
    1
  883. Racist.
    1
  884. See above.
    1
  885. Jerrod like to Eat Fresh.
    1
  886. Eating the Onion was a taunt for people who fell for this. Now, you must eat the Onion, if you want to live.
    1
  887. If only there was a good guy with a gun that was assigned to him.
    1