Comments by "Xyz Same" (@xyzsame4081) on "ABC13 Houston"
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One word stood out: my sister harrasses me and torments me. Are there any times where you ENJOY visiting, or where it is nurturing to be in contact with family. or there other family members with whom you have a good contact NOW. Where is the father in the picture (not my place to ask, but these are important questions for you). It is possible that you expose yourself, feel obliged to have contact (family is family) and on top of that the contacts cost you frustration, anger, hurt, .....
- 2 things are possible. the childhood trauma has set you up to be super sensitive and the sister that was the worst bully still has not learned enough tact and empathy to not come near old wounds - with remarks that might be considered harmless by other people
OR it is mean - and she likes being mean and to dress you down. And your mother sees nothing wrong with that.
(Let me guess: your mother is super senstitive when the joke is on her or she is on the receiving end of criticism, or ridicule).
In which case you should even consider going no contact.
But IF that is justified (and necessary for your emotional wellbeing) that has to be planned and you need to understand intellectually what is going on - but you also need to process the emotions and likely you need someone level headed that is firmly in your corner. Often the mistreated child is emotionally TIED to the abusers by feeling that they owe the family and cannot dare to cut them off. Crazy but it is like that.
The ally could be a friend or a counselor - rather not church related (they put their biblical ideas often over psychological reality, this is not about forgiveness or family comes first). And family members are usually also problematic. A friend with some wisdom and a counselor.
Dr. Ramani has also videos on cutting off toxic family members or even several family members - IF at all. When to do that, how to deal with feelings of guilt, what smear campaigns to expect IF they are narcissists (they may or may not be). Counter strategies to such campaigns.
I do not want to scare you but sometimes a family is so toxic that it is better to cut them (read: several or many of them) off. Or the toxic family members can win over the rest of the family and paint you as the "bad" child.
And likely you cannot grow a thick skin and just continue to have (not too much) contact. A person that married into the family or is only a friend, and has no history with them as vulnerable child, might be able to just let it slide off, shrug their shoulders, secretly roll their eyes and move on. Going through the motions with family functions and then retreating for a good while. Keeping them at arm's length and they cannot even hurt them.
But if they were able to hurt you in the past and you STILL use the term "torment" - they can easily trigger you, and it is unlikely you can ever detach yourself. A person that encounters the antics for the first time when they are a mature adult might be able to deal with them w/o being harmed (although it begs the question if it is worth the trouble).
- und obviously they can still hurt you so they have emotional influence over you - and I do not think that is the other way around or your complaints would make some impact. if your sistter was the type that makes thoughtless remarks she would apologize when she notices that she unintentionally hurt your, but that does not sound like it.
And you telling your mother about feeling hurt did not make any impression in the past and does not make any now.
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