Comments by "John" (@John-kv7jo) on "UPDATE: Testimony continues in the trial of the men accused of killing Ahmaud Arbery | COURT TV" video.

  1. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
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  2. Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room. The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.” I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest….
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  3. John dies and he meets Saint Peter. Saint Peter: "You were indeed a good man. Come, I will walk you to Heaven." They started walking through a long hall. On the walls, there were lots and lots of watches. Curious, the man asks: John: "What's the deal with all these watches?" Saint Peter: "You see, these are called lying watches. Everytime someone says a lie, the arms move. Look at this one for example. It belonged to Mother Teresa. Its arms never moved, not even once. We also have lying watches for every profession of mankind. Here are the lawyers', engineers', farmers'..." John: "What about this empty spot?" Saint Peter: "Oh, here it used to be the politicians' watch." John: "What happened to it?" Saint Peter: "Jesus uses it as a fan in his office."
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  4. A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise. Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there." Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?" "Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'." Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?" "About five minutes ago."
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  5. An engineer dies An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." "What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake -- he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me." "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!" God insists: "Send him back or I’ll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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  6.  @reneetapiata8573  Get a sense of humor.
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  7. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven... As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him. “Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.” Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him. “Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three questions. Would that be alright?” Forrest nodded. “Ok, Forrest, how many seconds are in a year?” Forrest thought for a moment and confidently answered “twelve”. Saint Peter was befuddled. “12?! You believe there are 12 seconds in a year?? Please explain.” Forrest replied. “Well, there’s January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, Apr-“ Saint Peter interrupted Forrest, “ok, I suppose you’re technically correct. That will do.” Forrest cracked a smile. “Alright, Forrest, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” Forrest thought for a moment, furrowed his brow a bit, and then replied “four”. Saint Peter, again taken off guard, says to Forrest, “4?! How on Earth do you get 4??” Forrest looks Saint Peter in the eye and said, “well, you got Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow.” Saint Peter nearly fell over with incredulity. “Ok, I suppose that’s also technically correct.” Forrest’s smile grew. “Ok, Forrest, lastly, what is God’s real name?” Forrest thought about the question, his brow wrinkled, a little bit of sweat began to form on his forehead. Then, Forrest’s eyes grew and he said, with booming authority, “Andy! God’s real name is Andy!” Saint Peter slammed his hands down onto the podium, “ANDY?! How, please tell me, did you arrive at ANDY!?” Forrest looked Saint Peter dead in the eye and said “Like the song says, ‘Andy walks with, Andy talks with me-“ Saint Peter sheepishly looked at Forrest and said “welcome to Heaven, Mr. Gump.”
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  8. So a politician dies... And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. ‟So, you’re a politician...” ‟Well, yes, is that a problem?” ‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!” ‟Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??” says the politician. ‟Them’s the rules” Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t eb right? ‟Open your eyes!” says a voice. ‟C’mon, wakey wakey, we have only got 24 hours!”. Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. ‟Who are you??” The politician asks. ‟Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ‟Welcome to Hell!” ‟Wait, this is Hell? But... Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks. Satan throws him a wink. ‟Oh, we have been a bit mis-represented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside...” Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. ‟It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the tme of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. ‟So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?” ‟No sir!” says the man. ‟So then” says St Peter ‟you can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on”. ‟Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I would prefer Hell” says the politician. ‟Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. ‟What’s this??” He cries. ‟Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???” ‟Ah”, says Satan. ‟You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted...”
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  9. Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife. One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit. "That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces." "Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill. "No, I was the captain of the Titanic." Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks. Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."
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