Comments by "Widdekuu91" (@Widdekuu91) on "Casually Explained: The Friend Zone" video.
-
@voided_sun
I once had a friendship with a guy and he knew I was interested in another boy and not in him. He knew we were friends, because I very often told him how much I appreciated his friendship and how thankful I was to have him give me advice when I needed some.
He had ónce paid for my dinner during a 30-people-meeting-Christmaslunch because I was still studying and didn't have the money to go.
And he said he'd pay for it, because he wanted me to join the group. I thanked him for it, multiple times and said it was very kind of him.
He knew I was involved with someone else, he knew my friendship with him was a friendship.
Then, I called him to tell him that 1. my handpainted birthdaygift for him was finished and I couldn't wait to hand it to him next week and 2. I had a boyfriend, for the first time ever. SInce he was my best friend, I felt he should know, because I felt like dancing and singing and I was so proud.
He cursed, hung up the phone and never returned my calls.
And I sat next to my new boyfriend, on the couch, crying about how I'd trusted this guy with my entire personal life (that he continuously gladly listened to, because he was a shy guy and didn't like to speak) and that appareantely the absence of sex in the prospect, was enough to cut ties with me and just forget about the entire friendship.
I just sat there, sobbing about the hours of work I put into his gift, crying about the fact that I'd lost my friend.
I went as far as wishing that I was some sortof blob...like a shapeless existence. I said; 'Maybe people would appreciate my kindness and the hours of time that I spend on gifts if I'm some sort of shapeless blob with no genitals or anything. Like a slug. Then I would know when people were true friends.'
(I was quite upset at the time, I no longer want to be a slug, don't get me wrong.)
72
-
9
-
6
-
I had a friend once, that I'd been talking to for +/- 2 years. I'd met him via a group-website, so sometimes group-msn added him into the list.
We very much had on and off contact on MSN, sometimes a silence for months. And always plain 'hahah, doing laundry what about you?'-conversations.
At one point, I started telling him about this guy I had a crush on. He knew I was hanging out with this guy a lot. He listened to my stories and said something like; 'Ah, yes, sure I mean. Oh I have to go."
I remember saying to my mom that I was so glad I had a male BFF to talk to, about these things. And that it was so great that I could have a guy-friend that respected me and didn't see me as some sortof...well..potential mating-object. It was very nice to know that not every guy had a hidden agenda and some just..youknow. Liked me as a person. For who I was, as a good friend.
Either way, skip to a year later. By this time, we've joined in a group-meeting (he was very polite and offered to pay my 20 euro share, I was a lot younger and did not have a job, I was in school.)
I thank him and tell him it was wonderful, like having a lot of friends. He tells me I should hang out with 2 of his friends and him, at a bar.
I decline, tell him I don't have the money. He offers to pay for it. I accept payment for one dessert, but I insist on paying for my own drinks (water) and we hang out together, all 4 of us.
Half a year later, things are getting serious with the other guy. I talk to my BFF on the phone, distraught, because I was 2 days late and feared I was pregnant (which couldn't even have happened, but what did I know, I was just panicking and not thinking whatsoever.)
I proceeded to tell him EVERYTHING that happened the week before with this other guy and kept asking; Am I pregnant..do you think I might be pregnant?'
He said; 'Gosh, I don't know, get a test.' So I said; 'Thanks, you're the best, I can trust you with anything, I think you're great bye' and got a test and dúh I wasn't pregnant.
Skip to about a year later. We have started talking again, after a long silence on his side and he offers to take me back to the bar, on my birthday and that he has a birthdaygift for me.
I tell him I would love that and that I will craft him a birthdaygift too, since our birthdays are so close together. I tell him how excited I am for mr-serious-now's party next week and he says; 'Uh-huh.'
Skip to two months later, I have finished the birthdaygift (a hand-painted item...don't even remember, it's been 11 years..with a great card and something like a tie with decorations on it, also handmade by me.)
He calls me up, but I tell him I have to hang up the phone, I'm about to visit mr-serious-now's house because he wanted to share some information with me.
BFF says that's alright and we'll talk on Sunday.
Mr-serious-now and I get together and I am screaming and running around in the house. I forget about the former call and instead, dance, run, cry, scream, kiss, cry, hug, run and call my mom.
That end of the weekend, BFF calls back. I pick up the phone and say; 'Hello! Guess what! I have a boyfriend. I am so happy, my first boyfriend, I can't believe it, I am so happy, I thought I'd never get someone, oohh I could cry. I really want to hang out with you soon, I finished the gift for you! You will love it, it's amazing, I-'
And he interrupted me, cursed loudly and hung up. I called back, he didn't answer.
I stood there..flabbergasted about what happened until my at-the-time-boyfriend said; 'He was in love with you, obviously. You just broke his heart.'
I said; 'Does he..does he need some time to work through this? Shall I call him next week?' My now-ex said; 'Eh..no. It was quite clear to me, honestly, didn't you know? You've made clear you're not interested in him, so that's why he's off now."
I said; 'What about our friendship? We were starting to grow, I told him about my paintings, he said he liked my sketches... we hung out together, laughed so much..I was telling jokes and his friends would laugh and joke about each other. I had friends...for once. Is he going to throw that all away because the chance of getting laid is gone? Seriously? Those moments in the bar were just...meant to groom me into liking him that way?'
So my ex tried to explain how the BFF probably wanted to be with me and it'd be miserable for him to watch us love each other and him being the sad..well..watcher.
But at that point, I felt awful. What I wanted was a friend that acknowledged my gender and objectively would find me pretty (or not) as long as he was nice.
Not someone that was ready to throw everything out of the window as soon as his chance of getting some was gone. It's been 11 years and it still bothers me.
Additional shit that happened later:
When I tried to clarify (a year or so ago) to someone else that I was not on the market like that, he stopped talking and was off instantly. No friendship-talk, I truly tried, no time was wasted on a friendship with me.
And another guy smiled, nodded, invited me over to a meeting near his place and said; 'So, are you into women then, do you want a threesome?'
After which one last guy at the bar, sat down and chased the rest away. I thanked him and we talked about how I was practicing juggling and how I loved German movies.
Near the end of the evening, I looked outside and saw it was dark. "I trust you", I said. "Do you want to walk me over to that train station there? I know it's 2 minutes, but it's so dark and midnight..and I see hoodlums walking around."
The guy sighed and said; 'Give me your number."
I was startled and said: 'No."
He said; 'Give me your number or I'll throw myself in front of a train."
I looked at the barlady, but she was busy. I said; 'I'd not do that, if I were you.'
He said; 'So you are not interested?"
I said; 'Hadn't I clarified? I thought you respected that...you said you did."
He gestured with his head to the window and said; 'You can walk on your own then." and ordered another drink.
And so, I walked outside and waited between drunk twenty-somethings and some homeless, in the shivering cold with my summerdress on. The only female on the platform, not very nice.
1
-
1