Comments by "Smoking Crab" (@smokingcrab2290) on "PsycHacks"
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Men and women need to be 100% of each other's emotional, sexual, physical, and loving happiness for each other. When you're dating, it's effortless. That's why people commit. But once commitment sets in, one or the other starts to stop pulling their weight. Both parties need to prioritize each others romantic, sexual, and emotional needs above all else. Meaning whatever you can give to the relationship in those areas is what you give FIRST. Then you worry about chores, family outside of the two of you, your own interests, etc and all the other shit. As long as you're doing this, it'll work. But people don't want to pull their weight or put in effort emotionally and sexually to keep the spark of romantic love going while also avoiding hurting each other. And when these needs arent met, resentment kicks in. And when communicated needs get ignored, then criticism and anger happens. And when it happens, the person who isn't pulling their weight is surprised.
With men, it's typically a guy who doesn't care about the emotional side of things and thinks making money is enough to sustain the relationship.
With women, it's typically a girl who doesn't care about the sexual side of things and thinks the man is a degenerate monster for desiring her, and she thinks just her willingness to be his roommate is enough to keep the relationship going.
Both parties need to meet each other's needs.
But when you investigate each other's needs, you gotta remember to only establish needs that can be met from the other person (sex, love, connection, communication, dates, romance, affection, etc). If you tell the other person you need things like "distance/space", "more time with family", "bigger house" etc. None of those things have anything to do with the relationship with your significant other. Those are things you are seeking outside of the other person at their expense. So those are not relationship needs, they're your own selfish "needs".
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You need to define what wants and needs are bro
A want is something you can live without and stay in the relationship even if you don't get it.
A need is something that, if not met, you'd rather be single.
Relational needs have to be met otherwise a relationship cannot happen. And relational wants are just bonuses.
There have been documented to be a list of actual relational needs:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Intimate conversation
3. Affection
4. Recreational companionship
5. Physical appearance/attraction
6. Commitment/loyalty
For example:
I NEED my wife to sexually fulfill me, have open honest communication, give me recreational companionship, and to be committed to me, and sense that she is attracted to me. I need those things. If I'm not feeling her meet any of those to my liking, then she's not meeting the need and she needs to understand how to meet it.
Wants are different..
I WANT my wife to dress up for me more often, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to like all the same movies I like, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to be as sexual as me, but she never will be. I WANT my wife to share more of my opinions and perspectives, but she doesn't. Things like that..
When I say my needs aren't being met, I am literally saying "my wife isnt even marginally giving me the baseline effort in this relationship despite all the effort I'm giving her".
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