Comments by "FuzzyPanda16" (@fuzzypanda1684) on "Cole Hastings"
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Spot on man, our dating culture is completely f***ed. The worst part is, most people think that guys who can't get girls must all be fat, balding, out of shape guys with no social skills, no confidence, who haven't approached a girl since they were in elementary school. But that's SO far from the truth.
I'm in my 30's, I have a physique that wouldn't look out of place next to Thor, a full head of hair, an attractive face, and a strong jawline. I'm outgoing, social, and walk with confidence. But I can't get a girl interested in me to save my life.
I approached a girl today who I thought was stunning, and while we had a great conversation full of laughing and flirting, I know the next time I see her she'll want nothing to do with me, because that's just what happens anytime I approach a girl.
If you have no women in your life, but are unattractive, socially inept, don't approach, and have made no attempt to change any of that, then you have no one to blame but yourself.
But when you've put in the time and effort to successfully make yourself a very attractive, sociable man who regularly approaches girls, but STILL have no women in your life...that's something completely different.
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I'm closing in on 40, and this is what I've learned: You will absolutely start believing in the simulation theory, because no matter how talented you are at something, how much work and effort you put into your goals, you'll get absolutely nowhere. Meanwhile you'll watch people with far less talent and ambition casually attain levels of success that you'll never know. The harder you work, the worse your results seem to get.
Finally, you decide to stop trying so hard and let the universe provide the path forward. However, while other people who do this have their paths provided for them, you will find no path, and your decision to stop pushing and going after what you want will uncouple you from the tiny bit of leverage you had.
In the end, you'll have no path forward and be left completely alone, knowing that everyone you've ever known, from the talented and driven to the lazy and unmotivated, have all attained far more success than you with far less effort.
At that point you'll just give up and run out the clock, confident that when your time comes, you'll wake up in the simulation chair and decide that yeah, the "Nightmare" difficulty setting really is impossible.
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I think the best skill anyone can learn in life is being ok with loss. Because it's going to happen. A lot. I'm a pretty outgoing guy so meeting people isn't hard for me. But so many times I've connected with someone, started hanging out with them outside of whatever venue we usually see each other at, and become pretty good friends.
Then, just like that, it's over. Whether it's something I said, something I did, something they just heard I said or did from other people, or just...I don't even know. They just disappear and that's that.
Whether it's your parents, friends, a girlfriend, a job, a house, a car, prized possessions, or just the general state of life, dealing with loss is the best skill you can learn, because odds are, everything and everyone in your life won't be there eventually. The only factor is time.
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The worst thing is that the image of an incel is what most people would imagine a guy who can't attract women would look like: an out of shape, unattractive, balding guy with no confidence, no charisma, no social skills, and terrible fashion sense.
But the reality is that there are men out there with magazine cover worthy physiques, who have attractive faces, full heads of hair, no lack of confidence, charisma or social skills, and know how to dress, who are incels. It doesn't make sense, but it's absolutely true. I know because I am one of these men. And trust me, there's nothing more depressing than looking like the image a of guy that women should be falling over, only to get the results of an incel.
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Just a word of warning, standing out and being different is fun and freeing, but it leads to a very, very lonely existence.
Eventually your eccentricities will get tiresome to those who once relished it, you'll say or do something to upset someone in one of your groups, flirt with the wrong girl, and slowly but surely you'll get ostracized from groups, ignored by people you know, pushed out of friend circles, get fired from jobs, and will one day be alone and labeled all kinds of things by those around you.
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The depression that comes with knowing that you're living in a hookup culture, where you see it all around you, where even your most socially awkward friends are successfully hooking up or finding girlfriends, meanwhile you are in the best shape of your life, are outgoing and charismatic, and have spent years of your life developing your social skills, only to find that any time you go out, you go home alone, anytime you get a girls number, she doesn't reply, and anytime you re-download Tinder, you once again get no matches or messages, is indescribable.
It's a special kind of depression that comes along with knowing that everyone else, regardless of if they're attractive or not, if they're fit or fat, if they're outgoing or introverted, if they're confident or insecure, are doing just fine, meanwhile you've spent years building yourself up in all of those areas, and yet are somehow getting a 0% success ratio.
I don't want to hook up. I just want to know that if I see a girl that I'm interested in and approach her, there's at least a CHANCE that she'll be interested in me. Instead of the virtual guarantee that not she won't.
The example he gives about Mary, where his friends told him Mary wanted to hookup with him, and the party they threw was centered around that....yeah. For me, the one and only time in my life a friend told me a girl wanted to hookup with me, he gave me her number and I texted her. She asked "who's this lol?". I told her who it was and she never replied again. That's my reality. Other peoples realities are entire parties being thrown around them hooking up, my reality is a girl who supposedly was interested in me didn't even bother replying.
I applaud Cole's honestly in talking about his inability to get hard, a problem I too have suffered from more times than I'd like to admit, many of them when I was alone lol. But even still, his lowest point was having a girl who wanted to hookup and being physically unable to. Whereas mine is...well, not being able to get a girl that's willing to hookup with me. When the lowest point being described to you is better than your normal...Depression level = maximum overdrive.
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You can control your urges, get off social media, maintain a clean diet, workout consistently etc. But it doesn't mean you'll "stand out" from the crowd. I mean, yes you will stand out, but it doesn't mean getting a job, a partner or anything else will be any easier, everyone will just THINK it's easier for you, which can actually make them resent you and make things harder for you than if you were just a regular Joe.
Also, he's talking about cognitive behavioral therapy, the act of becoming consciously aware of your thoughts and when you start letting yourself go down a bad thought path. When Cole describes that little voice telling him to be lazy or procrastinate, understand that it's a LOT easier for him to fight that voice, because he's already successful. If I had a YouTube channel with half a million subs before I was 25, I'd be able to fight that voice too.
It's a lot harder to fight when you're 15 years older than that, have no successes to draw on, nothing going well in your life, and a long string of failures and bad outcomes to look back at.
Having successes, even small ones, is VITAL to shutting that voice up. When you literally cannot remember the last success you had, it's much, much harder.
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When you're young, you fall into limerence because you have no experience and think that this silly crush is the real deal.
When you get older, you fall into limerence because this girl is the first girl that you've been interested in who has had any interest in you whatsoever in years. It's impossible not to immediately fall head over heels, which of course, will turn her off and make her reject you.
Once you get over that heartbreak, when you finally find the next girl that's maybe interested in you, years later, it's guaranteed that despite your best efforts, you'll also fall for this girl immediately, which again will push her away.
It's like a guy who's been kept in a nearly airtight box for years, then is finally allowed to breathe. Of course he's going to immediately gulp as much air as possible, even though he knows that doing so will make the air completely disinterested in him.
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I'm neither left wing nor right wing. I'm neither Democrat nor Republican. I am a person capable of listening to the arguments from both sides and deciding on a case by case basis what I agree with, and what I disagree with. I agree with some things from the liberal view, such as access to abortions and decriminalization of drugs, and I agree with some things from the right view, such as the 2nd amendment and small government.
That said, there is one thing that I most definitely am. And I believe that anyone with a functioning brain will likewise find themselves in the same group. I am adamantly, fervently, Anti-Left.
The new age, insane, modern left is the biggest threat to this world that we've ever seen. Their ability to gaslight, completely ignore reality, and push absolute nonsense will unravel this world if we don't stop them.
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Options, options, options. He keeps talking about options. What if you have no options?
He says that the most important thing is to have something going on in your life. But that's assuming the interaction gets that far. In my experience, most women who are uninterested won't even get to that point in the conversation before blatantly displaying their lack of interest.
If a girl is actually expressing interest in what you do, she's interested. But unfortunately, most girls will find the nearest exit before that topic ever comes up.
As for lean-in-ness, I've been a gym fanatic for years. I'm routinely told that I look like a superhero or an action figure, am asked if I'm a personal trainer etc. Basically, I'm very into fitness and share my knowledge with anyone who expresses an interest to learn. I'm also very outgoing and social.
The gym is the absolute worst place for me to find a potential girlfriend. Every girl at the gym that I'm interested in is either immediately disinterested, or initially shows some interest, only to become disinterested the next time I see her.
Not only do we have fitness and health in common, but I have a lot of social proof at the gym as I know pretty much everyone there. That's on top of being one of the most in shape guys there. Yet it's zero interest, all the time.
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Money, fame and material things are absolutely the answer to everything and WILL lead to a very happy life, provided you've suffered enough and had enough experience with life kicking your legs out from under you and beating the crap out of you.
The people who say those things won't bring happiness are people who got them too easily. 16 year old IG millionaires, world famous actors who got into the spotlight at age 11, and YouTubers who amassed millions of subscribers and makes millions a year after only a couple years time. If you're wildly successful and rich by age 25, of course you'll come to realize it's vapid and unfulfilling, because you got it too easily.
But if your entire life has been nothing but failure, loss, rejection, things not working out, things going poorly, and the very few times things went well was only because the universe realized it's funnier to let you think things are finally turning around, only to then kick your feet out from under you, then money, fame...you'd kill for them, because no matter what you do, they'll never be yours.
When I was younger, I said I'd rather be dead than average, because I was 100% convinced that I was going to succeed. But despite successfully doing the things that SHOULD yield massive results, I've realized that I'm not average at all. I'm woefully below average.
I'm the only guy I know who has a top tier gym honed body that could get me confused with Captain America's stunt double, who has spent years going out and developing an outgoing, charismatic personality, who can approach and talk with people easily, who went to school and spent his free time studying instead of messing around, who also cannot get a date and cannot get a job interview, let alone a job.
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Wow...ok if the guy @6:40 is a 6/10, then I'm a 10/10. But because those who push themselves the hardest are their own harshest critic, I put myself at an 8/10. I have a top tier physique that would fit in with the next Baywatch film, my face is above average, I'm charismatic and outgoing, the only real hit to my ranking is my height, I'm 5'9". That's worth deducting 2 points to me. Other than that I've pretty much maxed out the physical appearance attribute category.
But I can confirm 100% that having 6 pack abs and V-Taper and back like a Dorito does not equal interest from women. Not in the slightest. I see girls looking at me all the time, I can approach them and get them smiling, laughing and flirting back, but the second I try to move things forward it's like a switch gets flipped and they lose all interest.
Nothing is more depressing than watching videos saying that if you develop a great physique and strong social skills, your results with women will skyrocket, meanwhile you've done those things and can't get a girl interested in you to save your life. Then you realize that while you're apparently a 9 or 10/10, you're getting worse results than guys who are a 6/10.
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Self improvement is great for those who actually get the results. But when you've put in the time and effort to successfully improve yourself, but still get the same results, it's devastating.
I went from a skinny, shy, insecure kid to a man with a physique like an MCU superhero and a confident, charismatic, outgoing personality. I looked, felt and acted completely differently, but I still struggled to get any interest from girls, was excluded from things, and got the leper treatment from social groups.
Getting those results when you've done nothing to improve yourself is your own fault. Getting those results when you've completely transformed yourself will crush anyone.
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I cared way too much when I was younger, so I made it a priority to learn how to stop caring and be aware of my thoughts and reactions. It took a while, but it worked. I felt very free and could approach people, speak my mind, and act how I wanted, all without caring what people thought.
Once you learn this, it's easy to maintain for quite some time, unless you constantly fail to get the things you want from life. If things are going well for you, you can easily deal with the people who don't like you, the missed opportunities, or situations that go sideways due to your eccentric personality. But if you don't have positive outcomes to balance it out, it gets hard to keep not caring.
If every job you go for ends in no replies, if every girl you're interested in isn't interested in you, if you end up spending a lot of time alone because you don't have anyone to hang out with, not caring gets harder and harder as the years tick by. You know that being yourself and not caring definitely rubs some people the wrong way and makes you a target, but it's also supposed to get you some positive benefits that most people don't get. Not getting those benefits wears on you after a while.
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I've been hyper driven and ambitious, and I've been relaxed and tranquil. I've gone after the things I want with rabid optimism, and I've left things in the hands of the universe to provide the path forward. I've made meticulously detailed plans with strict daily schedules to keep me on task at all times, and I've allowed myself to work when creativity strikes and not held myself to any deadlines.
In the end, what I've discovered, is that no matter what you do, your results are entirely dependent on two things: your luck and how the universe feels about you.
If you have good luck and the universe likes you, don't stress. You'll be successful no matter what you do. If you have abysmal luck and can demonstrate incontrovertibly that the universe routinely makes things happen in very specific ways to ensure you get the worst results possible...also don't stress. Because you won't succeed no matter what you do.
If you're unsure where you stand, ask yourself how you feel about the statement: "90% of success is just showing up." If you agree, congratulations, you have good luck. If you roll your eyes, unfortunately, you have bad luck. Which you know because you've shown up plenty of times but through seemingly random series of events, had things go very poorly time and time again. Then you got to listen to someone else talk about how they started doing something and things just fell into place. Sadly, you will never know the feeling of having anything fall into place, unless the outcome is critically bad for you.
I still enjoy Cole's videos though. It allows me to imagine what life must be like when things work out for you.
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I don't know why I watch this channel...all these things he talks about are aimed at teenagers and people in their 20's. Which, if what he says resonates with you at that age is depressing enough.
But I'm nearly 40 and all of this applies to me, which is so much more depressing it's hard to put into words. Not having your life together at 22 might FEEL depressing, but trust me, it absolutely pales in comparison to not having your life together at nearly twice that age.
When he talks about what you're wiling to do, and how he's willing to sit through a 20 minute tutorial to do a single text effect...yeah, you can absolutely have that mentality. You can be focused and dedicated like that, doing things that most people aren't willing to do. But it does NOT mean you'll get the result or success you want. You can pour hundreds or thousands of hours into something and in the end, it does absolutely nothing for you. Meanwhile someone else who cut corners and took shortcuts sails past you.
The best skills in life that you can learn are how to deal with loss, because there's going to be a lot of it, and how to deal with trying harder, working longer, and having more natural talent for something, yet getting nowhere and watching people with none of those qualities do far better than you.
I like Cole, I just wish he had dealt with a bit more failure and bad luck before finding success. Granted he's much better than the YouTubers who find success at 16 and think showing up is 90% of success, but I think if he had endured an additional 10 or so years of constant failure, he'd be even better adjusted.
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I was a very shy, introverted, nerdy kid who got picked on and bullied from about 4th grade through the end of high school. I had no friends and of course girls wanted nothing to do with me, they wanted the buff, athletic, charismatic guys.
In college I didn't do much better and I finally decided to change myself. I hit the gym, learned how to be more outgoing and social and forced myself out of my comfort zone, making myself approach people and talk with them.
After a number of years, I was finally what I'd always wanted to be: a fit, jacked guy with a killer physique, a strong sense of confidence, and an outgoing attitude overflowing with charisma and energy.
I still get rejected by every girl I'm interested in, still feel isolated from people, still aren't invited to parties and still feel like an outcast.
I'm not sure where to go from here, but all I do know is that the pain of being outcast when you're a skinny, weak, shy nerd is nothing compared to being outcast when you look like the "after" picture of a physical transformation, and regularly put yourself out there with all the charisma and energy of a guy who's truly happy to be alive.
I just don't want people to get their hopes up, because while you can change yourself completely, it's no guarantee that you'll get different results.
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Yes, but some of us don't get the results despite making the changes. It would be like if "Jeff" changed his diet, increased his cardio, and stuck with it for a year...but despite that somehow GAINED weight, became more of a social outcast, lost friends, did worse with women, developed worse hypertension, and lost his job just for good measure.
Not all of us are living life on the same difficulty setting. For some of us, no matter what we do, the results are always a net negative.
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You're correct. The worst part is when you do all of these things: get into great shape, adopt a clean diet, work on your social skills, push yourself out of your comfort zone, make yourself talk to that girl you're interested in....yet get terrible results anyway.
The depression I felt when I was an out of shape, shy, introverted guy who did poorly with women is NOTHING compared to the depression I feel now that I'm in great shape, outgoing, charismatic, and routinely put myself out there and approach women, yet get the exact same results as before.
When you fail just as hard after working for years to become the best version of yourself...it's hard to draw any conclusion other than any version of you isn't good enough.
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@phoenixaz8431 Dude you can absolutely build self esteem and confidence. Up until I was about 22 I had no confidence and was very introverted and shy. I was a skinny, nerdy kid who got picked on relentlessly all throughout school. Finally, I decided to do something about it and took a weight training class at my college. Over the course of a few years, I went from a scrawny 120 pound weakling to a 165, jacked guy with 17 inch biceps and around 8% bodyfat.
I get comments all the time on my physique and comparisons to celebrities. I naturally became a lot more confident and outgoing as a result. Unfortunately, what I discovered is that you can radically improve yourself and become someone who constantly gets compliments and has most guys assuming you crush it with women, yet you actually get absolutely abysmal results.
It's the worst thing man, spending years improving yourself and successfully becoming a guy that most people look at as desirable, getting double takes and seeing people staring at you on a regular basis, yet somehow still getting no results. It'll drive you insane.
The good news for you is that it's incredibly rare. If you work on yourself, hit the gym, work on your social skills, there's a 99.9% chance you'll see massive improvements in your results. But if it turns out you're in the 0.01% like me...I'm sorry. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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