Comments by "Terror Management Solutions, LLC" (@thereisnosanctuary6184) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. My heart and prayers to the little boy. I hope they never find his brother.
    19000
  2. My ex smashed her head against a motel nightstand. She told me someone asked her at work "Is he hitting you, baby?"
    4100
  3. "I make 3x as much money as he does, and i'm totally miserable. Honestly, we all thought he would have killed himself by now...but, he hasn't."
    3600
  4. Gorilla born Gorilla grow. Gorilla die.
    3500
  5. Its not about the price. Its that all her dreams died. That the world doesn't care for her anymore. It's a plea from the remnants of her spirit. "I matter! I'm alive"! Somehow that exclamation escaped that parentheses* . But, I decided to leave it. And document it. Please notice me.
    1500
  6. And she will keep hitting that nightstand if she doesn't shape up!
    1300
  7. I told my cat he was going to grow sick and die someday. He just sat there. Stunned. He hasn't spoken to me since.
    1000
  8. Tacts don't care about your feelings.
    801
  9. As a Firstborn, I wasn't too happy with all the brats after me. 20 years after she was born, my youngest sisters boyfriend stole my precious 80s comics collection. Amazing Spider-Man #300 was worth $150 alone. So, I get this. Her first transgression was at 4 years old, when she put my Decepticon in the roadside garbage, never to be seen again. You know what? I'm getting angry..
    540
  10. "Got your nose!" * *Copyright, 1947 Paw Paw Johnson & Associates, A MeeMaw Subsidiary
    538
  11. I told my doctor I'm depressed. He asked me if I'm a loser. I said NO! He said then why are you depressed? He said I can hook you up with antidepressants, but that's not going to help if you're a loser.
    373
  12. I would like to thank the three individuals above me for sucking all the humor out of this thread.
    252
  13. this charming woman Gold.
    155
  14. KDBBM The there are none.
    140
  15. I like Potatoes 1 800 EAT SHIT
    117
  16.  @sundaysalau8653  Actually, I fell in love with them. I want one to raise me, one to nurse me, one to wipe me.
    116
  17.  @sundaysalau8653  I have an unerring ability to do so.
    103
  18. Reece Yee Liberty tracked Bin Laden down.
    90
  19.  @amb.iant_yt  Blade Runner
    84
  20. That's why people are being fooled. The Onion,was an underground pleasure, then kind of faded away. Now, people get sent videos on their phone instead of actively seeking comedy. Perfect timing. Bound to snag a bunch of kids and oldies.
    75
  21. When Karl's dog died and he was bereft, his friends secretly enjoyed his grief.
    65
  22. Wilcon Barro You should always give 110%
    43
  23.  Limp business  Actually, it was Dr. Mario and i was high.
    43
  24. Are those Lovecraftian tentacles or am I looking too deep?
    41
  25. cjenui The original poster.
    39
  26. It was The Shadow Man.
    38
  27. Duel
    35
  28. Did they divorce yet?
    34
  29. Yes, I capitalized the F.
    29
  30. I like Ike.
    26
  31. "I have a Dream. That means I don't wanna be Woke."
    26
  32. The Greeks determined that every one was a vessel. What fills yours may only leave another half full. Either way, you can't hold more than you can. Karl's life is full.
    22
  33. Open Mind They turn onto me. Don't be me.
    21
  34. The Jasonators girlfriend is known as SuperSpreader.
    21
  35. First, I give a little WHA-KAHHH! Followed by a devastating BUH-DUSSHH!
    20
  36. You helped some drunks earn a paycheck for child support. Good man.
    20
  37. Got any sores?
    17
  38. When your two-bed bedroom all of a sudden is a one giant bed bedroom.
    17
  39.  @tshephangmoswete1286  Gotta sue. Malpractice makes perfect.
    17
  40. Boomers will gladly send Gen Z to their death to keep the oil, the poppy fields, the income flowing. Sick, degenerate Dorian Grey culture that needs to breathe its last.
    17
  41. Gorilla Get High
    16
  42. "Got MLK?" white milk-stache
    16
  43. I also leave crucial dysfunction off my profiles. But, I assume they can gather that on their own.
    15
  44. Its deeper than that. Its our fear of being cast from the tribe as deformed, abnormal. unhealthy, unlovable
    15
  45. Y'ain’t Thank You.
    14
  46. Its not satire. It's prophecy.
    14
  47. Well, at least we never got a President that openly admitted sexual assault, offered to pay legal fees for attacking his opponents, admires a brutal Russian leader, condoned white supremacists, allowed the caging of migrant children, and forcibly teargassed police brutality protesters from a church. Wait...
    14
  48.  @tomemery7890  Today's my birthday.
    14
  49. I Am An American. I will die owing money. You will not get it back! Hahaha hahaha!
    13
  50. Qieth Are you an Immortal?
    13