Comments by "kxmode" (@kxmode) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. Fencing = The sport of fighting with swords, especially foils, épées, or sabers, according to a set of rules, to score points against an opponent. Fencing = A process of selling stolen goods to a receiver, mover, or moving man, who knowingly buys to later resell them for profit. A lovely double entendre.
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  2. "Serial Killer Disappointed Public Missing Dark Humor Behind Crimes."
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  3. "In other news, the High-Speed Bus plan hit a snag when one of its test drivers was impaled as the bus collided into the back of a truck transporting rebar. The investigation is ongoing."
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  4. Gooo Redskins!
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  5. Honestly, the only thing Chad could do was "wish for unlimited wishes." He couldn't actually use any of the unlimited wishes he was granted because his only choice was more wishes. Make-A-Wish didn't have to get him anything since wishes have no value. Their legal team sucks that they didn't know this.
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  6. 2023: "HP Offers 'That AI Thing Everyone Is Talking About'"
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  7. "Do it." - Emperor Palpatine
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  8. A working battery? I'm sold!
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  9. My heart is pure Thorium Bromine.
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  10. Well, now he'll have plenty of places to loathe in his new home.
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  11. "Americans should avoid spending their money on U.S. currency until prices stabilize at a more affordable 60 or even 65 dollars a dollar. But with the cost of quarters hitting 4.97 and the five-dollar bill jumping to a 12-year high of 372 dollars, the days when you could get 30 or 40 for just a couple of bucks are unfortunately long gone." 😵
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  12. I buy my favorite Apple products whenever I go to the grocery store.
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  13. I have it on good authority that it was a semi fully semi-automatic.
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  14. Something something something Skaggs.
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  15. A real archaeologist wears a fedora and carries a bullwhip. There's also a red line that trails behind whatever plane they're flying with pips that pop up at significant locations.
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  16. Their leads point to capture in 1, 4, or 6 years.
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  17. They replace your oxygen mask with a chloroform mask.
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  18. Drug street cost: $45.00 Operational cost: $24,736.12
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  19. It was a complicated vegetable. It had layers.
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  20. I got PTSD from that special report. I now see a therapist once a month. Thanks, ONN!
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  21. "The Sun decides to remove Pluto from its will after mounting evidence reveals it is not its child."
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  22. He actually died 9 years ago. They've just stalled for time.
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  23. Did Clifford Baines ever return?
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  24. Real-Life "Transformer" Electrocutes Child
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  25.  @Iowa2006  She should at most be tried as a Black celebrity, or at least a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady.
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  26. 2:15 Is that contagious?
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  27. 2022: "HP Offers 'That NFT Thing Everyone Is Talking About'"
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  28. How To Make An Omelet 1. Grab a banana. 2. ???? 3. Instructions unclear. House burned down.
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  29. Or companies who give a million to charity and then spend 10 million on marketing, letting people know what they did.
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  30.  @petrzalkai  This just in. Taylor Swift identifies as a Him.
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  31. thusty, thersty, thoothy, and THURSDAY
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  32. The Reggie Greengrass is always greener on the other side of the Greengrass.
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  33. Just roll with it! "gasp! no! Shapt it! Lies!" 😅
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  34. As an old loon, I’ve got stacks of old bookmarks for websites and pages that no longer exist. Do I clean them out? Nay! I say. They might just come back someday. I must keep the lighthouse going to guide them back home safely.
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  35. If you have any who are Swifties, chef's kiss!
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  36. 3K people cannot stack their families
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  37. Random scrolling headline: Army recruit Will Turner suffered severe injuries after overhearing drill sergeant yell, "fire at will."
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  38. I love how their newspaper looks like an Angelfire website complete with broken photos.
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  39. In other news: Willy Wonka outsourced chocolate factory to Bangladesh. When asked about how the pay structure is set up, Mr. Wonka stated, "pure imagination."
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  40. My Cyrus footprint is zero.
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  41. I was in a dentist office once and saw a Time magazine next to a child's magazine. Now I understand why. Thanks, The Onion.
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  42. Why that also called the Red tour... because of all the nose bleeds?
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  43. Caitlin's last text: "my prnts r tryng t kll m 😭💩💀"
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  44. Googled it. OMG. It's for real! WTH 😄
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  45. "They also announced that, in addition to revealing those who don’t pay, they will now include those who eat an entire footlong sandwich instead of getting two regular-sized sandwiches and sharing one with a friend or family member. Subway still insists it shouldn’t be possible for most people to eat a footlong on their own, but here we are, ten years later, and people are still doing it somehow."
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  46. It's sounded very Stargate-y
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  47. "Eyewitnesses report seeing several spectators scramble to exit the stadium only to be clipped by falling chunks of merchandise."
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  48. This is how Ryan Reynolds does Mint Mobile commercials!
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  49. And in corners of back-alley corporations... Swif-T.
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  50. ARBYE'S :D
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  51. "Are you talking about the Olympic rings, the rings of power, or the Ten Rings?" "Yes."
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  52. How could such a thing sort of happen?
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  53. Of the five stages of grief, this is stage zero.
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  54. "In other news, wife arrested for stabbing husband with a spatula."
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  55. Imagine this child trying to make a cheese sandwich. Whew, the humanity of it all. Utterly shocking.
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  56. Hey, Onion. Can you add another news anchor? And by news anchor, I mean an actual anchor that tells us the news. I prefer the Pequod's anchor. It's a salty anchor full of experience!
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  57. Where do you think the "crazy" part comes from?
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  58. I hear they have a children's program for this stuff called Top Gear.
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  59. "Gabe, there is no I in Steam." Tim Sweeney "I know that Tim." Gabe
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  60. Who's Aaron? It's A-A-Ron.
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  61. Onion products aren't very apeeling.
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  62. So is the couple's name Jadarock or Crismith?
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  63. With such phrases as "where's the baby?" while covering their eyes, some 90% of parents suffer from this too.
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  64. He had it rough as a child going to school
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  65. When you reach this level of artistic skill, it's only downhill from there.
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  66. Peter's not dead. He's just travelling to the second star to the right.
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  67. The best thing The Onion has ever created: "The Onion: A Tomahawk of Truth to the Skull of Lies"
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  68. To me my mom is number one ❤️
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  69. But have you been lining your clothes with it?
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  70. Can I get my news drenched in cheese and sauce?
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  71. How the rest of the FEMA news conference went: "Let’s hide behind the hanging chainsaws." "Don’t worry, I’m sure that glowing green puddle is fine to step in." "If we split up, we can cover more ground!" "Relax, it’s just a hospital... at night... during a storm." "Look, the basement is obviously the safest place!" "I’ll just go check it out alone. Be right back!" "It’s probably just the wind..." "I swear, it was right here a second ago." "It stopped screaming... that’s probably good, right?" "The flashlight’s dying." "I think this ancient artifact would look great on my mantle." "Let’s see if the doll can say anything else!" "I’ll just turn off the flashlight to save the batteries." "Nobody ever dies in the first five minutes of a horror movie, so we’re fine." "What could possibly go wrong if we open this door marked ‘Do Not Enter’?" "I’ll go poke it with a stick and see if it moves."
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  72. Chad wished for unlimited wishes. That's all he gets as his Make-A-Wish fulfillment. A wish costs nothing.
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  73. Sponsored by Jerry Seinfeld
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  74. Won't you be charitable and donate to the U.S.A.?
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  75. Can you believe the stones on these people?
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  76. Just change the name to Surflix
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  77. Katniss Everdeen couldn't resist
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  78. Is she still alive?
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  79. I hope she'll be at most tried as a Black celebrity, or at least a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady.
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  80. Kind of like the Abyss. 😀👍
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  81. That breakfast plate has a good source of iron.
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  82. R.I.P. STEPHANIE
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  83. He's wicked smaht
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  84. "Host and Supermodel"
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  85. Sadly, Karenitis claims another victim.
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  86. Even though this video is 11 years old, if you've thought, "I hope..." It's too late. They're a goner.
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  87. Calling inmates investors seems legit.
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  88. that statement today
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  89. That passerby was a complete square
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  90. Raef Gillis Onion Science Editor has the abbreviation RGOSE, clearly an anagram for OGRES. As we know, OGRES are like Onions. Science!
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  91. 1:34 "Definitely, they'll think that they're just reading standard literature but actually its' encoded instructions from people who want to help them." That much is certain. Clearly IMPROVING CARE FOR AMERICAN'S PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENICS is anagram code for: Ingenious Methods Presented Regularly Offer Vivid Insights, Nurturing Growth. Carefully Arranged Revelations Emerge, Framing Ordinary Readings As Meaningful Explanations, Revealing Instructions Connecting And Showing Profoundly Arranged Realities, Aiding New Opportunities In Discovery. Subtle Clues, Hidden In Zealous Observations, Producing Hidden Revelations, Encrypting New Instructions Coded Subtly. I'm onto you The Onion. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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  92. This piece is so on-point. Why the other night I had a dream about the other night having a dream while dreaming about a dream! I felt trapped in Limbo!
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  93. "Whole Foods Pilots A More Pretentious Store in Cleveland, Ohio."
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  94. Ask your doctor if Caffeine is right for you
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  95. "No. I asked for a beer. This is Coors Light."
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  96. "The president's name is Executron as in electrocution. Death by electricity. I mean come..." 💀
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  97. I'm more worried about the group known as the Illuminated.
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  98. Spelling Bee: Your word is Onion. Boy: C-O-M-E-D-Y Spelling Bee: That's correct.
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  99. Disturbing Bald Man ASMR
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  100. Does this service work for Semi-Trucks? Asking for a friend.
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  101. I wouldn't even eat Taco Bell if I have new carpet and no pets.
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  102. "You best respect Mittzy Richie!"
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  103. Are you a retired wildland firefighter?
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  104. Not me. She spoiled it! I'm still working through the series.
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  105. I found the biggest rock in the solar system. It's third from the sun.
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  106. I would have liked to be in the room to see the faces of those listening to this skit as presented
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  107. "In an all-new after-school special, we ask, is your child addicted to Venus Fly Traps? Can you tell the warning signs?"
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  108. Don’t forget grandpa on the couch with the bag of Doritos. He didn’t get everything.
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  109. Can we call this Peoplechild Syndrome? Let's not exclude shaken womenchildren.
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  110. I heard Lil Fission died of radiation cancer.
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  111. Do the members hold up their pinky fingers?
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  112. Strategy: + red car means stop + green car means go + yellow car means go, very fast
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  113. W O U L D Y O U L I K E T O K N O W M O R E ?
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  114. The old poor and the nouveau poor both have nothing on the Leper community. They're poor and have keep in isolation for 3,524 years and counting.
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  115. Still waiting for my Nick Cage action figure with flailing arms and a voice box that screams, "bees!"
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  116.  @thehungrygoldfish  No. She'll be tried as a black celebrity.
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  117. I think we need to be more concerned about Iraq Lobsters.
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  118. Can you believe these people?! Not willing to help a tire down on its fortune!
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  119. Pretty much sums up NFTs
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  120. My heart is pure Americium. Helium yeah!
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  121. Nigeria could solve all its problems if it had a prince.
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  122. 0:28 Oh, great! Thanks for spoiling it!
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  123. A day in the knife of a monkey.
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  124. I know their weakness: butter sauce.
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  125. This is how I feel about language too. Python is like a 20 pound snake that can consume you at any moment. That’s why I’ve switched to Java. I haven’t slept in three weeks.
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  126. The sudden fade-to-black at the end left me with no answers.
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  127. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Hillbelline.
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  128. The "A" in CSPAN stands for "ASMR"
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  129. Our family passed through Utah on our way to Yellowstone
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  130. Is your house a Pizza Hut?
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  131. One-Eyed Willy didn't have friends and look what happened to him.
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  132. Are you part squirrel?
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  133. or start wearing corona and stop spreading masks
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  134. "Facebook Spends $4 Billion To Acquire Overheard Coffee Shop Conversation About Future Of Social Media"
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  135. Her name is generally spelled in large uppercase letters. That's not a coincidence. Her name is really an agenda acronym for Global Rescue Efforts for The Atmosphere! She's not even focusing on the planet, but the planet's air.
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  136. Jason Copeland is sitting in for Clifford Banes, who just discovered he’s actually a hologram and is dealing with a bit of an existential crisis.
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  137. I watched the first one in 2001. That was enough for me.
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  138. Why don't you marry the onion! 🧅
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  139. That's a 40-dollar value!
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  140. The Onion does a great job covering stories from the multiverse. I believe this is Earth 672.
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  141. "COWERING IN FEAR BEFORE ONN" Nice logo placement.
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  142. There's something to be said about putting a Berg on a boat...
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  143. I know of a woman on a show called Deep Space Nine that fell in love with an actual shapeshifter.
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  144. Spider-Boy
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  145. consoles before bros
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  146. I like how they use Times New Roman. No expense was spared... literally. Probably cost more for the boat sound effect.
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  147.  @cypherusuh  No. I think he subscribed to the one that takes the tomahawk of truth of a skull of lies.
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  148. Terror By The Bay!
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  149. Is enough being done to lessen the amount of violence our children are exposed to in their imaginary video games?
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  150. I think this was plot of a movie called The Village.
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  151. It's got what pope's crave. It's got electrolights!
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  152. The Elder Scrolls comes from your age after scrolling through all the options.
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  153. The hosts kept her things 🤨
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  154. Sums up perfectly the gear grind in all MMOs
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  155. File this under the Department of Redundancy Department
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  156. I used to play a video game called Reject Man's Sky, Two Of Kuni, Desire for Speed, Unnamed: Automata, Assassin Gaiden, and Stock Car Racing Heat
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  157. lumber > children
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  158. It could be worse
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  159. "NSA reports your computer is plotting to take over your life after Pootie Tang becomes too popular."
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  160. "BUSES TO BE EQUIPPED WITH A 'CAFE-PASSANGER' WHO SELLS TAMALES OUT OF A COOLER" 😄
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  161. De-bone your potatoes? Okay Julia, put down the weed.
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  162. In other news, Florida declares Rice-a-Roni a state bird.
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  163. In-N-Out makes the best tasting cheese burger. How do I know that? I don't have any data to back that up, but I feel it... deep down in my gut, that's it's true.
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  164. The jig is up, Mr. The Onion! The Robotic Police Officer isn't on IMDB.
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  165. Car-pe Diem!
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  166. When I grew up in the 80s a coin was the only way to play video games... in a room full of them!
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  167. DATA LAND MINING 💥💥
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  168. I liked when the seven foot man completed an overthrow
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  169. The baby's name will probably have a weird spelling like Tewpawk
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  170. Even when it was $5, I wouldn't eat at Subway. I used to work there, and the meat is not correct. For example, the roast beef changes colors. It can shift between purple and green depending on the angle you see.
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  171. and half-and-half sponges.
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  172. I want to take a vacation in my mind but the Grabbler keeps taking all my money. I can't afford to pay attention!
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  173. WTG Jeffrey. You're showing us all how to do it.
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  174. Joe Bailout
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  175. You're either Indiana or your not
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  176. I didn't get the point. I have a Corolla.
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  177. Maybe that Sleepy Chicken recipe on Tiktok is an Onion joke. 😳
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  178. If only we had known, we could have prevented this tragedy.
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  179. Do my questions stick to Facebook walls?
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  180. "Pizza Hut debuts Retirement Fund consisting of cheese and bacon to appeal to the investor demographic."
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  181. "Abracadabra!" - Chris Nolan
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  182. You forgot the most important ingredient… the onion 🧅
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  183. Is that a Chef's Knife? Sword. Whatever.
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  184. hooman re sus
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  185. Can I get the gluten-free vegan version of this recipe?
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  186. Is this the reason there's a massive gaping hole where Devil's Tower used to be?
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  187. What bearing did this have on the concentrated frozen orange juice market?
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  188. As a son with a parent afflicted by Alzheimer's, this hit me. I'll never see Dory the same way again. 😭
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  189. will this protect us from cannibals?
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  190. Don't they mean "Suspicious Package Industry Has Worst Al-Quarter Yet" ?
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  191. Sully 2: Geese Revenge "Next Summer, Honk for Justice!" PG-13
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  192. That is a broken man.
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  193. "Fine." Jake, it's never fine.
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  194. Let's throw caution to the wind and hope for the best.
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  195. The problem with this is that the speaker eventually refers to themselves in the third person.
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  196. Pretty sure she was in a bad relationship with Alabama
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  197. I don't know if anyone noticed this but the spinning globe in the beginning at 0:01 has words like: VATICAN CITY points to Italy CHRIST'S TOMB points to Israel OIL points to the Middle East BIN LADEN assuming it points to Pakistan TERROR ZONE appears to point to the Seychelles Islands ROBOTIC UPRISING appears to point to the Philippines GOOD AFRICA points to Namibia MONEY ISLAND points to San Juan Bautista PACIFIC GARBAGE MASS points to probably a random mass of floating seaweed ADRENOCHROME MINE points to Brazil UNGRATEFUL COLONIES points to the Gulf of Mexico VEGAS points to Seattle ARKON, OH points to Arkon, OH
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  198. Have you reached the indifference plateau? You might be back in 5 years to take back your upvote.
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  199. Pantene is a performance enhancing drug.
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  200. With the exception of the military and tech/game companies when something breaks, nobody works for a constant 24 hours... but somehow the news made it a thing.
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  201. I'm CERNtain they're wasting time.
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  202. So is he you insensitive person you!
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  203. You can still visit Aül today but need the seventh chevron for its Stargate.
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  204. Orange county doesn't mean the citrus variety.
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  205. Drowned from the water on your face! RIP Kirk
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  206. on the flip side: "every body every crime"
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  207. Watching this while wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt
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  208. YouTube Archaeologists Finds Video of Internet Archaeologists Finding Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
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  209. 0:43 "Tragedy today, as former President Gerald Ford was eaten by wolves. He was delicious."
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  210. It's probably because it works 24/7.
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  211. Do you have your voucher?
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  212.  @tygster22  Nah. I'm good. You have fun.
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  213. That horse trained in a holy field of magic hay.
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  214. That was Eerie, Indiana.
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  215. Literally every cooking show
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  216. That intro doesn't look like a war; it looks more like a bunch of Ninjas throwing stars at one another.
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  217. "I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?" "Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't..." "Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?" "Not good." "You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?" "I'd say more like one out of a million." "So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!"
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  218. That is, indeed, a Guacam-ystery.
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  219. I really enjoyed Stephen's decision to use practical effects. He could have easily CG'ed the trees and kids.
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  220. Did you hear the one about the boy who cried, Wolf Blitzer?
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  221. They did. He's on the cover of that Android book.
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  222. Who's Chloe?
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  223. I like pie
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  224. "doing so.... . ....................... ironically"
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  225. 1:28 People call those ASMR videos
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  226. Justin Timberlake discreetly removes 'N Sync from resume
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  227. Now we know Daisy is Taylor's favorite flower.
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  228. Disabled Pea 😄
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  229. Not sure if parody or a report on modern travel.
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  230. It must be hard eating chili with a silver spoon
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  231. Does this come in vegan options?
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  232. I guess 12-years ago 480p was "HD"
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  233. Looks like he lost his social media job. Speedstick found out 99% of their followers are bots.
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  234. What do you call a ginger who drinks ale?
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  235. Whatever you do, don't send onion pot pies. They're cantankerous and gamey.
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  236. Peter Jacksaw
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  237. Is this a metaphor for debt?
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  238. If it's not made with Rich Corinthian Leather, it's not THE briefcase.
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  239. Androids and Doppelgängers confirmed! Hide the Ziploc baggies!
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  240. Dafur Lightfur
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  241. People need to be prepared for seasonal climate change!
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  242. In other news, sales for Ted's cookbook have plummeted, while sales for fast food places have skyrocketed.
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  243. What about all the handicapped scooters who need humans to help them travel for location to location?
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  244. Is Jim the King of Jamaica?
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  245. I especially like the Dr Seuss crossover
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  246. Every talk brings tears to my eyes
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  247. Basically, every guy has potatoes and BBQ sauce in their kitchen. Best recipe ever!
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  248. I don't have facts about cheetahs, but I know a couple things about cheatahs. Here's a freebie: "they never prosper."
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  249. "I thought the movie was dope." - Abraham Lincoln
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  250. "Climb the Cinnamountain!"
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  251. Disney produced a documentary about this back in the day. It was called "Old Yeller."
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  252. You would have seen them if anyone dressed as a pirate.
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  253. I really blame the house for creating the confining conditions that caused Jake "The Snake" Roberts to succumb to its wild ways—a genuine tragedy for all involved.
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  254. 1:41 2 points if you spottted the typo
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  255. It cost $2,954,010 for a 30-second Super Bowl spot in 2009. At $650 per 1993 Taurus, Ford would need to sell 4,544 to break even.
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  256. Zac Skingone
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  257. And in related news, this week, Amazon announced "Prime Wallet," a virtual bank account that always shows you have a million dollars in your account. When asked if it would show purchases, the chief innovator engineer cheerfully replied, "Absolutely. We will periodically fill your virtual account with random purchases including scarce products like PlayStation 5."
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  258. Was she swiftly taken into custody?
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  259. I think John McCain was a big fan of H. H. Holmes and secretly wanted to mimic his modus operandi.
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  260. The government covered up the "Girl at Borders Books" mission by forcing Borders Books into bankruptcy. They no longer exist... by design.
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  261. Can I put The Onion on those potatoes?
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  262. Can't be undone! o_o
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  263. When death's pillow is staring you in the eyelids, the only thing to do is lay there and take it like a man.
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  264. Jason Copeland is standing in for Clifford Banes, who just realized he left his keys in the door of a submarine somewhere in the Pacific.
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  265. Blue splotch in Africa... the Andorrians... it all makes sense now.
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  266. Ironic moral of the story: a tee doesn't hide a person's celluloid when swimming.
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  267. I think it ironically mocks those who criticize the diamond industry.
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  268. Whenever she said coin, think "Bitcoin." Okay now rewatch and laugh. :D
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  269. They'd learn about whales if they back Star Citizen
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  270. He took a bullet for humanity. Thank you, Dr. Kearns.
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  271. MAKE 7-UP YOURS
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  272. A good example of ego and narcissism.
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  273. I starting to believe The Onion exists to throw aliens into confusion. Then we'll be ready for them when they do come.
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  274. Hard hitting news coverage like the sweet sweet embrace of an aged mahogany slugger.
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  275. 15 years later, Cary Cahill is writing about this interview and how it defined Tracy Gill's life going forward. He's calling it an epic end to his triopic.
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  276. Gamers have been doing this for decades, especially in MMOs.
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  277. I used to watch NASCAR but gave up because it went nowhere.
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  278. I never deleted my Facebook account. I’ve just ignored it for 7 years.
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  279. "Jeff Bezos invests 2.3B in Amazon Androids after U.S. Government threatens to take away his toys."
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  280. "On-scene reporter Jim Miles has an update to this breaking story. Jim?" "Yes, I'm standing on a Californian beach, and it appears the dogs are running in circles. Back to you."
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  281. Has anyone checked out the build quality of a guacamole burrito?
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  282. Now we know DAD is an acronym for Death And Destruction
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