Hearted Youtube comments on Dr Ben Miles (@DrBenMiles) channel.
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It’s foolish, but I was raised in a family of [very traditional, conservative] academics who pushed the narrative that one’s trajectory must involve acquiring a doctorate, then finding a tenured professorship. This is obviously not true, but as much as I’ve tried to disentangle my perception of my worth from their value system, it’s still what drives me, now in the process of scheduling my comps. I’m worn down, feel lost, and can’t for the life of me imagine how I got here. While I do love research in general and my field specifically, and I have a great supervisor, committee, and lab group, I worry about how far and remote the finish line seems, and I worry I’ll feel just as empty reaching it (if ever I do) as I do now. Height of ungrateful privilege, i know, I’m very lucky to have a family who prioritizes above all else this thing that I love doing. In their priorities however, it reliably comes before mental health, relationships/friendships, physical health, free will or individuality
Whether or not that counts as worth it is unclear to me, ahah
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