Comments by "Jack B" (@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. Just remember: The onion had to convince an actual fat kid to do this bit. And that in itself could have been hilarious
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  2. Warden: People of the press, the prisoner was caught in the act of Escapism. What if his imagination wandered into YOUR neighborhood, hmm? He could have been reading Lolita by Nabakov and picturing YOUR schools right now.
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  3. Every time a comment poster gets mad at the jokes, The Onion's erection gets an inch longer. It's currently 1.6 billion miles hard and about to touch Uranus.
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  4. Let's be honest about what's really meta here: The Onion satirizing fake news that noone should have taken seriously in the first place propagating on the internet
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  5. I'm a servicemember, and 18 years ago, I married a stripper. This movie inspired me to defy convention. I am now divorced, and I blame the Aliens. That which does not kill you makes you scarred and disfigured.
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  6. God I miss the Classic Onion Rule 34 as god intended.
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  7. Sean Spicer 2.0, alpha build.
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  8. Unfortunately, Quigley was only able to parse half of Sartre's works with his limited existentialist comprehension Je vis ma mort et je meurs pour ma vie...
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  9. Be 'ware of Willow Trees, and toadstool rings, and old oaks, people. The Fae Gangs of the South Central Pines have staked their turf since the Baba Yagas fell apart over a hut dispute
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  10. Thankfully the Porn industry is doing wonderful work bringing us all together with interacial cuckold pornography. Bringing America together one BBC at a time.
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  11. As a Hawaiian, can confirm: Periodic blood sacrifice of the innocent is the way to go. The lack of conveniently located volcanoes near major population centers has me concerned, though.
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  12. The 2020 Presidential Debates: aka Bingo Night at Shady Acres Retirement Villa.
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  13. I like to help the homeless. I pass out earplugs to them before shit like this happens.
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  14. Brett Cavanaugh really was ahead of the curve
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  15. Suddenly, Vermin Supreme vs Jimmy McMillan doesn't seem like a satire scenario. Obama was right to scale back hope for America after visiting a Denny's.
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  16. A Pope, a Bishop, a Cardinal, and a Padre walk into a bar. Bartender: "Sorry, Gentlemen. This crowd is over 21 and consenting. But there's a charter school down the way."
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  17. Bob the Chimp: I was born with opposable thumbs Steve the Zebra: I was born a Hamburger
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  18. I used to pay my dom $200 an hour to spank me. Now I just stab people at Denny's and get it for free. It's a win-win.
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  19. It got repo'd after the White Privelege check was late.
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  20. Doesn't seem to work at Amazon. Bezos just up and sacked his home life Kaiser Soze style rather than put up with another slacker in his coal mine with some paltry compromising material. Homeboy probably paid an elite team of mercenaries to find him to. He's got that kinda cheddar. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them....maybe you can hire The A-Team
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  21. I now have a greater appreciation my Swansons Turkey & Gravy Hungryman dinner. This broadcast brought to you by Brazzers. Because when you're alone, you might as well.
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  22. @Leonard Fredrikkson I'm sorry, I had no idea you were used that way at such a tender age
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  23. That's one small step for America, one giant leap for the American Race
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  24. I try not to picture Pennsylvania under any circumstances I've never had suicidal urges before, and I don't wanna start now
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  25. I'm dissappointed with the lack of Willem Defoe fashion choices as it relates to hegemony in the Middle East.
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  26. Those are some nice Battle Sisters you have there. Would be a shame if something were to...happen to them. Like someone bathing in their blood...I'm just saying. Oh, it happens.
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  27.  @icefly_  LOL, sure. Right after I send that money to my new friend, the Nigerian Prince.
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  28. Onion is Legion Onion does not Forgive Onion does not Forget Expect Onion
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  29. Dick Cheney got by just fine on raw Orphan souls. He's a spry 38 years old now.
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  30. As an Oregon mail voter, can confirm: you do get a jumbo pile of napkins disguised as a 120 page voters pamphlet
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  31. I remember when I saved Montana to a dozen floppy diskettes. Lost one, and look at the 'Niners now. Take your data storage seriously, folks.
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  32. Meanwhile: The Women of Wal Mart are absolutely killing it as they coopt the sexy appeal of those Hane's mens boxer briefs under their pajamas, accentuated nicely by crocs
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  33. Maybe it chose you?
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  34. I've never cared for the way FB and other online retailers of bullying has put out of business hard working, Brick & Mortar bully entrepeneurs. Pillars of the community that every kid grew up with, part of the glue that binds Main Street society together. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some fucking nerds to shake down for their lunch money. They're not gonna atomic wedgie themselves.
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  35. His urethra is so big, he just passes the kid himself
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  36. You: I think I got the COVID. I feel terrible. Your Boss: False Flag. Get your ass to work and open the store. You: Are you going to be in today? Your Boss: Ha. Funny. No. Stay in your lane and call me when you close up for the day.
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  37. Nice tiny bike. Now where all the white women at?
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  38. Meanwhile: Banksy discovers mysterious Banksy painting on his back, claims even he was surprised. His mortal flesh is expected to fetch at least $3.2 million at auction later this week.
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  39. I did my part to erase the contribution of women of color in society. I left Mrs Doubtfire on endless repeat at Waffle House, broke the key off in the TV cabinet lock, and took the batteries out of the remote behind the counter. Take back the power, White Men. Take it back.
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  40. Finally. An effective way to cut entitlements from the budget
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  41. I have an online Associates in Internal Medicine. Call me Doctor Nick.
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  42. Wait, there's other news sources??
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  43. Dennis Miller's contributions to the Onion are starting to get out of hand.
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  44. Sometimes you hit the pipe. Sometime the pipe hits you. But shit son, he beat cancer with Steroids. Your argument is invalid
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  45. "America is all about Speed. Hot, nasty bad-ass speed." - Eleanor Roosevelt
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  46. Communist COVID hornets that came here under an H2-A visa after flying over that beautiful, beautiful wall.
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  47. That's Saint Peter to you, ye filthy apostate. Verily, when the wicked doth invoke heathen beliefs such as Marvel, shall ye be cast down unto Hulu and your Netflix be offered up in supplication and sacrifice to the Altar of Comcast.
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  48. Source: US Bureau of Labor Statistics. Who says government jobs are easy money.
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  49. This reminds me of when the Army was testing hand grenades that doubled as women's "personal massagers" Explosive orgasms, indeed
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  50. Srsly. If you don't think The Onion is staffed with Time Lords by now, you haven't been paying attention
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