Comments by "kxmode" (@kxmode) on "The Onion" channel.

  1. Fencing = The sport of fighting with swords, especially foils, épées, or sabers, according to a set of rules, to score points against an opponent. Fencing = A process of selling stolen goods to a receiver, mover, or moving man, who knowingly buys to later resell them for profit. A lovely double entendre.
    639
  2. "Serial Killer Disappointed Public Missing Dark Humor Behind Crimes."
    215
  3. "In other news, the High-Speed Bus plan hit a snag when one of its test drivers was impaled as the bus collided into the back of a truck transporting rebar. The investigation is ongoing."
    67
  4. Gooo Redskins!
    36
  5. Honestly, the only thing Chad could do was "wish for unlimited wishes." He couldn't actually use any of the unlimited wishes he was granted because his only choice was more wishes. Make-A-Wish didn't have to get him anything since wishes have no value. Their legal team sucks that they didn't know this.
    28
  6. 2023: "HP Offers 'That AI Thing Everyone Is Talking About'"
    27
  7. "Do it." - Emperor Palpatine
    25
  8. A working battery? I'm sold!
    23
  9. My heart is pure Thorium Bromine.
    22
  10. Well, now he'll have plenty of places to loathe in his new home.
    22
  11. "Americans should avoid spending their money on U.S. currency until prices stabilize at a more affordable 60 or even 65 dollars a dollar. But with the cost of quarters hitting 4.97 and the five-dollar bill jumping to a 12-year high of 372 dollars, the days when you could get 30 or 40 for just a couple of bucks are unfortunately long gone." 😵
    20
  12. I buy my favorite Apple products whenever I go to the grocery store.
    19
  13. I have it on good authority that it was a semi fully semi-automatic.
    16
  14. Something something something Skaggs.
    14
  15. A real archaeologist wears a fedora and carries a bullwhip. There's also a red line that trails behind whatever plane they're flying with pips that pop up at significant locations.
    14
  16. Their leads point to capture in 1, 4, or 6 years.
    13
  17. They replace your oxygen mask with a chloroform mask.
    13
  18. Drug street cost: $45.00 Operational cost: $24,736.12
    12
  19. It was a complicated vegetable. It had layers.
    12
  20. I got PTSD from that special report. I now see a therapist once a month. Thanks, ONN!
    12
  21. "The Sun decides to remove Pluto from its will after mounting evidence reveals it is not its child."
    11
  22. He actually died 9 years ago. They've just stalled for time.
    11
  23. Did Clifford Baines ever return?
    10
  24. Real-Life "Transformer" Electrocutes Child
    10
  25.  @Iowa2006  She should at most be tried as a Black celebrity, or at least a stunningly beautiful Filipino lady.
    10
  26. 2:15 Is that contagious?
    9
  27. 2022: "HP Offers 'That NFT Thing Everyone Is Talking About'"
    9
  28. How To Make An Omelet 1. Grab a banana. 2. ???? 3. Instructions unclear. House burned down.
    8
  29. Or companies who give a million to charity and then spend 10 million on marketing, letting people know what they did.
    7
  30.  @petrzalkai  This just in. Taylor Swift identifies as a Him.
    7
  31. thusty, thersty, thoothy, and THURSDAY
    7
  32. The Reggie Greengrass is always greener on the other side of the Greengrass.
    7
  33. Just roll with it! "gasp! no! Shapt it! Lies!" 😅
    7
  34. As an old loon, I’ve got stacks of old bookmarks for websites and pages that no longer exist. Do I clean them out? Nay! I say. They might just come back someday. I must keep the lighthouse going to guide them back home safely.
    6
  35. If you have any who are Swifties, chef's kiss!
    6
  36. 3K people cannot stack their families
    6
  37. Random scrolling headline: Army recruit Will Turner suffered severe injuries after overhearing drill sergeant yell, "fire at will."
    6
  38. I love how their newspaper looks like an Angelfire website complete with broken photos.
    5
  39. In other news: Willy Wonka outsourced chocolate factory to Bangladesh. When asked about how the pay structure is set up, Mr. Wonka stated, "pure imagination."
    5
  40. My Cyrus footprint is zero.
    5
  41. I was in a dentist office once and saw a Time magazine next to a child's magazine. Now I understand why. Thanks, The Onion.
    5
  42. Why that also called the Red tour... because of all the nose bleeds?
    5
  43. Caitlin's last text: "my prnts r tryng t kll m 😭💩💀"
    5
  44. Googled it. OMG. It's for real! WTH 😄
    5
  45. "They also announced that, in addition to revealing those who don’t pay, they will now include those who eat an entire footlong sandwich instead of getting two regular-sized sandwiches and sharing one with a friend or family member. Subway still insists it shouldn’t be possible for most people to eat a footlong on their own, but here we are, ten years later, and people are still doing it somehow."
    5
  46. It's sounded very Stargate-y
    5
  47. "Eyewitnesses report seeing several spectators scramble to exit the stadium only to be clipped by falling chunks of merchandise."
    5
  48. This is how Ryan Reynolds does Mint Mobile commercials!
    4
  49. And in corners of back-alley corporations... Swif-T.
    4
  50. ARBYE'S :D
    4